John's Blog

Glen Or Glenda (VIA Bibi's box)
Sometimes I avoid watching a movie if it's too over-hyped or popular. Sometimes I just never get around to it. Until recently, that was the case with "Ed Wood" which I loved. Being a big fan of Plan 9 From Outer Space (universally considered the worst movie ever made) I had been aware of Glen or Glenda? but hadn't seen it until I discovered this YouTube link!

However, this re-mix of the Sleepless In Seattle movie trailer done up as a horror picture is a classic as well.

Some days you look at the morning paper, shake your head, and just want to head back to bed and pull up the covers hoping that it will all go away. Thanks to the news and the weather, today is one of those days. One of the first headlines to grab my attention was Bush seeks State of the Union bounce. "President Bush will attempt to revive his presidency with an 'upbeat' State of the Union address that stresses kitchen-table issues such as energy and health care" really means that Dubya will share his delusional world view in an attempt to hypnotize the rest of us. Luckily, I'll be missing that. I'll hope that the "bounce" he is looking for manifests itself in a backlash in the midterm elections that might lead to his impeachment.

The next thing that catches my eye is Seven dead in California postal shooting. I'm not sure which is worse; the horrible tragedy or the reinforcement of a stereotypical cliche. My attempt to find something more uplifting or inspiring didn't work out any better. How to Get Angelina Jolie's Lips just wasn't what I had in mind, since I guess her lips are spoken for these days.

"He who speaks without modesty will find it difficult to make his words good."
Confucius

Jumping Steve (VIA Geek Culture)
Not that I needed this, but it's just so darned cute, an iTunes visualizer that gives you an animated Steve Jobs dancing to your tunes.

Dumb Moments (VIA LinkFilter)
User submitted embarrassing stories, makes for a fun read. I may have to submit some of my own. Anonymous confessions on another site is so much easier than doing it here.

Although not where we went today for dim sum, I've gone to this place for takeout. They served it in a little plastic container (suitable for re-use) that had the name of the restaurant printed on the lid. I used to utilize it to take leftovers to work for lunch. You can bet that I was proud to whip out my "Big Wong" at the lunch table!

As promised, our New Year's celebration included copious amounts of food. It's way too easy to order and eat too much when they keep bringing the carts around filled with all those tasty morsels. I'll get back to a healthy diet today, which is second day of the new year. Tradition has it that you are to treat your dog with extra kindness and feed them well on this day. I can't imagine how our pooch could have it any better than she has it every day, but perhaps I'll think of something.

And before I run off, a few more links to make the festivities complete: A few Flickr Galleries featuring views of some traditional New Year celebrations. And as a tasty treat The Virtual Fortune Cookie. And what party would be complete without music? Proving that there is something sadder that white guys trying to be black, the Nororious MSG adds "flava, muthabitches".

I keep reading all the stories about the deadly roof collapse in Poland. I'm not sure why anybody is suprised, since you pretty much have to expect trouble when you put a "deadly roof" on a building.

And I also see that Baby Jessica just got married. If you want to send her a present, she is registered at Wal-Mart. (insert your own joke here, but after viewing the items she registered for I can only hope these are the items that remain on the list and not the total that she ask for). But the big surprise is that she will get a million dollar trust fund when she reaches twenty five. Between this and the fact that I'll soon be subjected to the shrub's state of the union address, pardon me while I throw myself down a well.

"Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability."
George Bernard Shaw

Time Machine
The Worth1000 photoshop contests are always filled with creative content and great execution. This one is no exception. The goal was to combine objects from the past and present that suggest a tear in the fabric of time. Behold, the first SUV.

Gung Hei Fat Choy! Today marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year which is the Year of the Dog. Referring to the year that you were born by using the animal sign winds up being convenient since you don't have to remember the actual year you were born, or if you are being sly about revealing your age this allows you to be vague. They recycle them every 12 years, so if you are born this year, you are a dog. Those born in this year are viewed as kind, attentive, compassionate, and supportive, despite being needy. Others who would share your sign would be 12, 24, 36, 48, 60, 72, 84 or 96 years old. Factor in the five earth elements and you have a 60 year zodiac cycle. You might want to find your sign to get into the spirit of things. You could even learn some Chinese if you have a little time.

There are more than a few do's and dont's that can influence your fortune in the coming year. You shouldn't clean your house, use knives, wash your hair, or use foul language. I'm down with the first two, but the last two take a bit more effort. Wearing new clothes, setting off fire crackers to scare evil spirits, and putting up posters of chubby babies are all supposed to contribute to good luck and fortune in the coming year.

The foods consumed in a traditional celebration aren't the normal tasty treats you might expect, but are dished selected because they represent money or good fortune. I'll be eschewing this fare and chewing on some dim sum.

"Like Weather, one's fortune may change by the evening."
Luu Mengzheng

Steelerbaby (VIA Linkfilter)
With no football this weekend, one might be going through some degree of withdrawal. Steeler fans have this little guy to walk them through their anxiety till next week. The rest of us will just have to be afraid, very afraid.

But when it comes to the Super Bowl, the commercials are usually the best part.

Computer features that SHOULD be available
One of many...Perhaps someday MicroSuck will include these. Till then we will just have to hope.

I always say that I hate memes, but inevitably when I get tagged I just go with the flow and participate. Besides, I haven't seen too much else that's worth passing on these days (and it gives me an excuse to post a Jeri Ryan picture) so here goes:

Seven Things To Do Before I Die:
1) Visit the islands in Hawaii that I didn't see. Might as well revisit Maui as well.
2) Go to China. Had this trip planned as a honeymoon, but this little incident known as Tiananmen Square caused us to come up with a "plan B".
3) Run another marathon. I always wanted to do the NYC one, but then again I always wanted to watch the ball drop in Times Square and I got over that. I have fond memories of The Marine Corps Marathon in DC, but the knees haven't been cooperating enough recently to consider either one.
4) Get a "real" hobby; blogging doesn't count.
5) Do a cross country tour on a train...better hurry while they still exist.
6) Tackle some of the "manly" projects around the house that entail using power tools or building stuff, and not always hiring someone else to do them.
7) Visit all 50 states, live in at least one more.

Seven Things I Cannot Do:
1) Snap my fingers.
2) Draw a picture. I do a mean doodle, but I'm limited to straight lines.
3) Look in a mirror and see who is really there.
4) Perform in a way that is contrary to my core beliefs and values.
5) Tolerate fools easily.
6) Put up with petty whining, life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
7) Avoid making the smart assed remark. Just the other day I was in a meeting where the topic of corporate realignment was being discussed. The question was ask "what will happen to the people being displaced?" and the answer was that "they will be absorbed by the company". I thought that I had whispered "You mean like to suck the life force out of them?" to the person next to me. I'm told it was not a whisper. Perhaps I should add "learn to whisper" to the last list.

Seven Things That Attract Me To...Blogging:
1) Never really attracted to blogging, just tried to on a whim and it just got to be a bad habit. Another bad habit that I should probably quit. I do worry that my blogging habits resemble an OCD, but this post proves that I really don't have to post in groups of five. At least I hope so.
2) It keeps the bookmarks in my browser manageable. Before blogging I just bookmarked everything.
3) Gives me a place to rant when the mood hits me.
4) Exposes me to a wide variety of opinions.
5) It's sort of like a more literate, but slower paced version of IRC.
6) Love getting comments.
7) Makes wasting time a more pro-active and justifiable experience. I'm not surfing because I'm bored...I'm surfing because I blog.

Seven Things I Say Most Often:
1) Freaking
2) Pinhead
3) Chelsea; NO! (usually to curtail a barkfest or her new favorite bit of naughtiness, the toilet paper harvest.)
4) Lame-o
5) What-the-F? (yes, the uncensored version)
6) Asswipe
7) Piece-o-crap

Seven Books That I Loved:
1) The Grapes Of Wrath
2) Catcher In The Rye
3) Welcome To The Monkey House
4) A Confederacy Of Dunces
5) The Stand
6) The Death And Life Of Great American Cities
7) The Da Vinci Code

Seven Movies That I Watch Over and Over Again:
1) The Godfather
2) Pulp Fiction
3) Airplane
4) Reservoir Dogs
5) The Final Countdown
6) North By Northwest
7) Joy Luck Club...and it's not that I want to watch it (or don't think it's a great flick) but it's on the list because the wife forces me to watch it. It's at the top of HER list. For fun, I sometimes hit the mute button and have her recite the dialog since she knows every line!

And I'm not tagging anyone...feel free to run with this if you wish.

"Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact."
William James

Top Gun 2: Brokeback Squadron
Probably overdone already, but a nice re-thinking of the Top Gun trailer.

The Making of... State of the Union 2006
So much better than the real deal, watch this behind the scenes look at the preparations for the upcoming State of the Union Address. But it looks like this year they will be using a computer generated Shrub.

Valentine Day Gift Pack
Tired of plain 'ol chocolate as a Valentine's gift? This gift pack includes soda, coupons for a personalized soda, lip baum, and music. Sweet! And there's still time to order.

At least it's a better gift than ordering candy from here or this more personalized, but even more questionable gift. But if you do, be prepared for the apology note.

If you want to go more upscale, and can afford the $178,800 price tag, this might be for you.

"Memory is the diary that chronicles things that have never happened and couldn't possibly have happened."
Oscar Wilde

The Rules Of Modern Life (VIA linkfilter)

Principles are the triumph of blind faith over common sense.

Show me a man with pride and I'll show you a man with limited options.

Women only have orgasms because it's another chance for them to moan.

No news is fox news

Unless you are stupid, you can have your cake and eat it by simply purchasing two.

In an argument about any subject at all, the first person to refer to George Orwell's 1984 OR to make a comparison with Nazi Germany has automatically lost.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the hill... but it still has to be mowed.

Wearing a short skirt will attract a glance from any straight man, even if it's only to shudder and grimace afterwards

Sex is rarely "mind-blowing". However it can be "life-altering". Especially when your spouse finds out.

Government Warning Signs
Good advice in the "war on terror": "If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo."

As if infinite movie remakes of things that had best been left untouched aren't bad enough, the good folks at Disney now give us DEV2.0. I'm not quite sure what they were thinking. I can't imagine that ANYONE might have thought that having children cover old Devo tracks would be a good idea. Perhaps having some "husky" kids covering the works of the bloated Elvis might be something that we can look forward to as well?

And is it just me, but did anybody else kinda hope that Il Devo was going to be a classical music covers of Devo?

Don't Call This.com
It's basic human nature, tell me I can't do something or have something and that makes it the object of my desire to the point of obsession. This little experiment was to post a phone number and tell people not to call. The answering machine catches the messages left, and the results are posted here. Tons of time wasting fun!

"The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it."
Michelangelo

The Terrifying World Of The Average Conservative
Tom Tomorrow strikes again.

Nora Ephron reminds us of Twenty-Five Things People Have a Shocking Capacity to be Surprised By Over and Over Again.

Peter Chianca comes up with some great suggestions for slogans for the new network that will emerge from the wreckage of the WB & UPN.

Jen Goodhue passes on some things you can do if you love Jesus other than honk.

And Madeleine Begun Kane brings us a few Dubya themed limericks:

George Bush says his spying is cool,
And he broke not a law, nor a rule.
What, he doesn't need warrants?
That man is abhorrent!
Those who trust him are nothing but fools!

The Most Downloaded Konfabulator Widgets
If you don't have the most recent Mac OS update or are on Windows, then Konfabulator (or Yahoo! widgets as they now call it) gives you the ability to embed these little things on your desktop that do a variety of useful or fun stuff. Search tools, weather updates, mail checkers, and just plain silly things await you.

In the event you can't wait until Talk Like A Pirate Day this recent SNL Sketch featuring The 4th Annual National Pirate's Convention should tide you overrrr.

One more TV link that's worth a look is the Dunder Mifflin web page. A promotional site for The Office, but it contains some funny stuff. My favorite has to be Dwight's Blog, although he will always be Arthur to me.

And to throw in a "mini-rant" I'm still shaking my head in disbelief from the questionable juxtapositioning of two ads I saw on TV. The first was an anti-drug ad, followed directly by a Smirnoff ad. At best, sort of a mixed message but no worse than listening to Dubya say one thing and then have his actions reflect the opposite of what he says.

Keyboard Kommandos Present: Battle-Action Bush
And you may want to listen to Dubya's explanation of his Wiretap Policy.

"No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut."
Sam Rayburn

What's the Worst that Could Happen?

After a nice, long vacation you come home to find your dog wearing your clothes, answering to your name and pointing a gun at your head.

Authorities trace all those threatening phone calls you’ve been receiving to your split personality.

You wake up from anesthesia to hear the surgeon say, “Wait, does renal mean liver or kidney?”

You accomplish all 12 steps in AA and attain full sobriety only to learn that you’re still a complete asshole.

Your homemade robot achieves full artificial intelligence the very moment you realize you need his parts for your kit car.

The leprechaun informs you that “Neapolitan ice cream” counts for all three of your magic wishes.

This clip of Letterman's Top Ten George W. Bush Moments has been popping up all over the place, but I couldn't resist a "me too" repost. And Dubya just keeps those moments coming!

Worst Day Of The Year?
Hey, don't blame me, but apparently it's scientific:
([W + (D-d)] x TQ) ÷ (M x NA). (W: weather, D: debt, d: money due in January pay, T: time elapsed since Christmas, Q: time since failed New Year's resolutions to quit smoking, drinking etc, M: general motivational levels, NA: the need to take action.)

Nintendo Cartoon Hour
An animated feature from The Lonely Island to brighten up your day.

"Never use a long word when a diminutive one will suffice."
William Safire

Snackshotz (VIA Gizmodo)
All I have to do is mention the word "treat" to get our hound in motion, but this looks like it could be fun!

Too bad I didn't have my digital camera with me today at work. While running around putting out fires I came up with an entertaining idea. I was going to shoot a picture of me coming out of the restroom holding the item pictured on the left. (I snapped this shot with my PDA camera which has pretty crappy resolution so I didn't bother to stage the described shot.) The question would then have been "What movie quote does this illustrate?" But since the quotes from that movie aren't listed at that site, and I realized that the line wasn't exactly as I remembered it, the joke wasn't that funny to make it worth the effort, so I'll just add it to the ash heap of lame ideas that usually fall victim to self-censorship. Feel free to play the game and guess the movie quote anyway.

Burton and Jefferson Hear The News
"Many thought she would be America's first woman president. She had paid her dues. She had weathered many a political storm and proven her resilience and tenacity. She was smart, tough, resourceful, and relentlessly ambitious. Perhaps her ascendance was inevitable. Unless she was thwarted by the one person with the power to stop her: HERSELF."

The other day at work our office manager got on the PA system and announced that we should meet to view a satellite broadcast of company news and general "ra-ra" type stuff. Unfortunately, her accent makes "Focus Broadcast" into "Fuk Us" which paints a mental picture that usually takes me a long time to get out of my mind. I'm always tempted to try to get her to page the customers Hugh Jardon or Mike Hunt, but I've never followed-through. Probably the best stunt of that kind would have to be the infamous London Airport Announcements that may or may not be real, but they're still funny.

And a few more funny links of a semi-related nature:
Funny Name Server
Funny Names
Urban Legands: Funny Names
Funny Names of Real People
Funny Town Names
Funny domain names

"The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think."
Horace Walpole

Erotic Alphbet.
It's history, it's art, just don't call it pr0n...Or sfw!

F U!
More preparations for Chinese New Years. Here we see them hanging a banner with a character representing "FU", which means blessing or good fortune. 'Round these parts, it sure means something different!

Some times it truly amazes me what pops up when you Google a subject. Two odd links that are sure to offend:
FU-F Me: The Ultimate Remote Sex Solution
eBay: Search Results for f you

It Came from the 1971 Sears Catalog (VIA Bifurcated Rivets)
Be prepared to jump into the wayback machine and visit the age of acrylics. As they so aptly put it: "One would certainly avoid being seen outside the home in these fashions."

"The cup of our trouble is running over, but, alas, is not yet full."
Sir Boyle Roche

As always, the unique point of view you expect from Get Your War On! And the site update includes some new fighting techniques as well as filing techniques .

Minor Tweaks: OFF LEASH

I was licking the floor yesterday when I was reminded of a quote from Henry David Thoreau: "The man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest." By this measure, I am rich indeed because the vast majority of my pleasures are completely free. How much does it cost to bark at squirrels? Or to run around the backyard like a crazy dog? Or to growl at the wall for no reason?

I'll tell you how much: Not one dime.

And when those pleasures get old, I find new ones. For example, the other day I ate a Post-It note. It must have fallen from the desk or the bulletin board. Now, it had never occurred to me to eat a Post-It note before, but when the opportunity presented itself I thought: Well, why not? Perhaps that will be enjoyable. As it happens, I didn't particularly enjoy eating the Post-It note, but that's not the point. The point is this: You have to make your own fun.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wall to growl at.

In yesterday's post I was lamenting that I just couldn't hope to get the kind of attention that some bloggers get who post naked pictures on their blog. But maybe I could get more people to look if I do a post on a popular subject such as "big tits", and isn't this baby a beauty?

According to Wikipedia they are "a large family of small passerine birds which occur in the northern hemisphere and Africa.,,,mainly small stocky woodland species with short stout bills. Some have crests. They are adaptable birds, with a mixed diet including seeds and insects. Many species will live around human habitation and come readily to bird feeders for nuts or seed, and learn to take other foods.". Now you know.

And I guess it shouldn't be a big shock that André L. Tits and Jacques Tits went into science and engineering, probably as a result of getting bullied on the playground.

A few more links on the subject:
The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness Test
Critical Tits
T-Shirt Hell: Who Needs Em?
Urban Dictionary: BT's

If Poets Named Breakfast Cereals
If none of the breakfast cereals from the post the other day were appealing to you, perhaps these suggestions as found on McSweeney's might be more your speed:

Orgasmic Clusters of Searing Pain

Bran and Plump Raisins, Pregnant With Earthy Promise

Opalescent Flakes of Lonely Night

The Sharpness of a Breath of Winter Air (with real strawberries)

Cookie-Crisp

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
W. C. Fields

New & Improved Windows Error Messages
These are much better than the real deal, but it makes me glad I joined the cult of the Mac.

This Modern World
Tom Tomorrow brings us this excessively optimistic view of what we might be able to look forward to in this new year.

Signs of Life (VIA Metafilter)
"Photographs of signs that transcend their objectivity to reveal our humanity". Or just give us a chance to make a smart ass remark. I've been resonsible for some lame Valentine Day gifts, but I've never been brave (or stupid) enough to consider this as an option. That would be a cold day, indeed.

First, I stumble upon a link at Found On The Web with a good post about the Top Ten Reasons No One Reads Your Blog which had some good points to make. The ones that hit home for me are #5 ("You have nothing to say") and #1("You're not a good-looking female who likes posting naked pictures of herself"). I've been considering way to fix both of those, but no easy answers emerge for either problem. Maybe I just need to focus on one subject.

And to make matters worse, when I added a blog of a female who doesn't have a problem with rule #1 to my Bloglines feed, it turned everything from English to French. Nom de dieu de bordel de merde! (In the event you need to know insults and curse words in 170 languages, Swearsaurus always comes in handy. And just in case there was any doubt...BOTH of the last two links are NSFW!)

"You live and learn. At any rate, you live."
Douglas Adams

I'm just sitting there reading my morning paper, and drinking my coffee when I hear a story on TV stating that Caffeine limits blood flow to heart muscle during exercise. It seems like just about everything is bad for you, but the thought of denying myself my caffeine fix is more than I can take given the effects of withdrawal. I won't be much fun to be around if I don't have my day jump-started. Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that my morning NY Times isn't the paragon of journalistic integrity that I've always assumed it was. It looks like that's not working out too well, either.

But I'll stubbornly stick with both, just bearing in mind the potential risks. Today's comments by Maureen Dowd may be a case in point. She bashes Democrats for failing to deliver a message that resonates with the masses, and allowing themselves to be painted into a corner and made to appear as a bunch of wussies. Hardly fair to include Gore since his recent speech was finally on target, but it makes you ask where was this intensity and focus when we really needed it? Better late than never. Still she makes some valid points:

The Democrats were throwing haymakers at the White House this week, but they will never succeed as long as they're perceived as the party in skirts. Al Gore, John Kerry and Hillary Clinton called the Bush administration on its apparently bottomless store of imperial sins. They made a lot of good points. They just didn't score any. This trio, apparently jockeying for '08, are not the best messengers. They're loaded down with baggage.

Two of them, who could have stopped W. and Dick Cheney before they undid 230 years of American democracy, didn't, because they allowed themselves to be painted as girlie men. The other, a manly girl, has been so cautious and opportunistic about weighing in on everything from Schiavo to Alito and Iraq that when she finally sang out on Monday and railed against W., she sounded more soprano than basso profundo....

To lead, and not just conduct campaigns that parrot the liberal elite's editorial pages, you have to shape your own identity and political destiny. And ever since the 2000 race, the Democrats have let Republicans caricature them as effeminate. The Democrats have let the G.O.P. give them their shape, and it's an hourglass.

There are moments in campaigns and policy debates when it's possible to knock the sword out of your opponent's hand. Al Gore and John Kerry whiffed. Mr. Kerry and Senator Clinton held the president's coat as he rushed to war.

This all allowed the Bushies to use 9/11 as a shield and a bludgeon. They made their own rules and cast themselves as renegade heroes.

If the Democrats are like the dithering "Desperate Housewives," the Republicans have come across like the counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer on "24": fast with a gun, loose with the law, willing to torture in the name of protecting the nation. Except Jack Bauer is competent. The Democrats' chronic impotence led to the Republicans' reign of incompetence.

U.S. News & World Report features a menacing Dick Cheney - looking like a man who just swallowed a country - on the cover this week, with the headline "Tough Guy." The story recounts how Mr. Cheney, as Bush I's defense secretary, derided lawmakers as "a bunch of annoying gnats." Maybe that's why he doesn't feel the need to pay attention to those silly little laws they make.

How many things do you have to mess up in the country and the world before you lose your reputation for machismo?

Fun Filled Cereals (VIA Strange New Products)
Since we are all trying to eat healthy, why not cereal? Here are a few brands to appeal to more adult tastes. I can't decide which I like best: Cheery Ho's, Kink Crunch, or Porn Flakes.

And make sure you don't confuse this with this.

Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...

There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them.

Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.

Plagiarism saves time.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

And, if you need a calendar for the new year, why not one of these great Demotivators Calendar?

"The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory."
Paul Fix

NJ Slogans (VIA The Jersey Side)
Yet another collection of state slogans that I like more than the one that was actually selected and t-shirts that I'll probably not purchase.

Who Would Jesus Hate?
Pointing out how religion is manipulated to support some questionable conclusions, and suggesting that we replace the talking snakes with logic and reasoning. May be too much for mainstream, middle America.

Remember Segregation (VIA Metafilter)
Hard to believe, but within the last generation racism was a condoned reality with segregation laws in place in many states. Today offers us an opportunity to reflect upon the contributions of Dr. Martin Luther King to move us beyond that, and to remember that the journey isn't over.

Of course, not everybody pays their respect in the same fashion.

"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Which one of these purchases is the better deal: $10K for Ney OR a bridge for $1? I'd have to pick the bridge, since at least it is capable of an honest days' work.

FROM: Christian's and Scott's Interactive Top Ten Lists
Ways to Streamline Congressional Procedures:

Important issues are to be decided with Rock'em Sock'em Robot Matches.

All statements over 300 words are subject to rebuttal by Simon Cowell.

Add a "10 Bribes or Less" Legislative Express Check-Out.

Combine swearing-in and indictment ceremonies.

Instead of a gavel, give the chair a supply of poison blow darts.

Make it like a reality show: the first congressman to pass his bill wins immunity!

Limit senators to ten words per day. Cut off access to aides for non-compliance.

In preparation for the upcoming Chinese New Year which begins on the 29th, and is the Year of the Dog, some people in Hong Kong have been taking their pets to groomers and giving them these weird dye jobs. I'll resist the urge to do the same to our pooch, although maybe I'll just photoshop a picture to see what she would look like.

And in a related story (well, not really) a little Mao Say Tongue action.

Thanks, HBO. I'm in the mood to go into a full couch potato mode and all you can serve up are repeats of The Sopranos and Deadwood? Sunday night used to be their showcase night, but it looks like nothing new in the pipeline until the new season of The Sopranos which they continue to taunt us with that doesn't begin until March. A few Things to do until Season 6 of The Sopranos.

And to satisfy your Deadwood jones, a few of the Deadwood links that I've mentioned in the past, as well as complete transcripts of the first two seasons.

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
Tom Stoppard

AUTO DESTRUCT: One Man's Obsession With William Shatner
The only thing I can say about this is, WOW! If you are looking to kill an hour the site contains a documentary about the strange world of an obsessed fan which is sure worth a look.

Poseidon Adventure dolls (VIA Gothamist)
Sad news about the passing of the legendary actress Shelley Winters. Sadly too, these dolls were never really marketed.

For most people my age and younger, we remember the Poseidon Adventure era Shelly, and not the hot blonde bombshell that she was in her younger years. Her track record with the big name Hollywood hunks suggests that she sure must have had something going on!

And thanks to Metafilter (sorta/not really) for pointing out the complete lack of class that some of the trolls on the net have as they take this inappropriate opportunity to attack her.

NO Photo Op!
It would take a stronger person than me to resist the urge to make fun of this ill advised photo opportunity. Maybe, someday I'll be able to look at something like this and put it in the proper perspective. But not today.

Treadmill Woes
I'm not the sort of person who puts much stock into the whole New Years' Resolution thing. That being said, I have to fess up to a resolution of sorts. Part of our Christmas present to each other was to replace our broken exercise equipment. (The treadmill and weight machine that I used to have were damaged when we moved as a result of the "bargain movers" that we hired to put our stuff in storage. The extra money we spent for competent movers who actually spoke English to complete the 2nd leg of the move was well worth the expense!) Now that the new equipment is in place, the challenge has been to actually use it. And so far, both of us have been doing pretty good and we've been sticking to our workout plan.

What wasn't in the game plan was that the wife found a way to add one more piece of functionality to the treadmill. After finishing her workout and seeing the dog looking at her longingly from the next room, she put her on the treadmill and turned it on. It really didn't take her (the dog, that is) too long to get the hang of it! This seems so much easier that having to walk her around the neighborhood, where she could meet other dogs who might be a bad influence.

And since I'm dumping silly video links in here at every opportunity, no better time than now to post the now infamous Pokemon Kid.

"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
George Carlin

McSweeney's: Yes Front Man Jon Anderson's Instructions to His Dogsitter
I get easily amused, but I thought this was comedy genius. And if you don't get it, some background information. It won't make it any funnier, but answers any Yes related questions you might have.

The Impeachment of George W. Bush
A slice of Elizabeth Holtzman's piece in the January 30th edition of The Nation:

Finally, it has started. People have begun to speak of impeaching President George W. Bush--not in hushed whispers but openly, in newspapers, on the Internet, in ordinary conversations and even in Congress. As a former member of Congress who sat on the House Judiciary Committee during the impeachment proceedings against President Richard Nixon, I believe they are right to do so.

I can still remember the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach during those proceedings, when it became clear that the President had so systematically abused the powers of the presidency and so threatened the rule of law that he had to be removed from office. As a Democrat who opposed many of President Nixon's policies, I still found voting for his impeachment to be one of the most sobering and unpleasant tasks I ever had to undertake. None of the members of the committee took pleasure in voting for impeachment; after all, Democrat or Republican, Nixon was still our President.

At the time, I hoped that our committee's work would send a strong signal to future Presidents that they had to obey the rule of law. I was wrong....

Lumberjack

As always, the Perry Bible Fellowship provides a chuckle for those who don't offend too easily. Just don't expect inspirational Bible stories.

Yes, it's a foggy day in NJ. But apparently, Governor Codey wants you to come see for yourself, which is the newly announced slogan of the state's tourism bureau. Personally, I felt any of these were better.

A nostalgic look at the Ultimate Saturday Night Live Cast brings back some fond memories. But even with the changing cast, one thing has remained a constant: the commercials.

"Well done is better than well said."
Benjamin Franklin

The Impeachment Project (VIA Robot Wisdom)
The Freeway Blogger's latest effort. "When the founding fathers gave us the right to free political expression, they did it for a reason: so we could Sound The Alarm if we felt our nation was in peril. It is."

Happy Birthday, I'll Sue reminds us that this is a copyrighted work. Any public performances not authorized by Time Warner are technically illegal and hence not advised. Personally, I recommend against it just because I hate the friggin' song. It's listed as one of the three most popular songs in the English language. Obviously, nobody ask me to vote on that one. I'm not sure what the other songs were, but I'm sure I'd be equally disappointed. I'll stick with this list of top sex symbols instead.

I can't be the only one who read this, but thought this?

101 Things Not To Say During Sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

"A man goes to a psychiatrist 'Nobody listens to me!' The doctor says 'Next!'"
Henny Youngman

Borat Special
In the event you haven't discovered the Ali G character of Borat, Look At This... brings us this extensive series of links sure to bring a smile to your face.

Refrigerator magnets
This seems like the only rational response to drivel like this. I'm not normally a "refrigerator magnet kinda guy", but I guess I could make an exception.

The Most Popular Myths In Science
Gee, this really is a surprise since I've accepted many of these as fact. But having two of these myths exposed gets a little bit disturbing. Finding out that a dogs' mouth ISN'T cleaner than a humans might make me think twice before those "glad to see 'ya" kissy sessions that our pooch is so fond of, but I doubt that this will change a darned thing. And I was glad to see that "men think about sex every seven seconds" isn't true, since I was really feeling like some kind of underachiever. I think the time frame is between 30 and 60 seconds, but your milage may vary.

Shatner meets Shatner
Kirk, Hooker, Shatner, Orion Slave Girl...and buffering...buffering. Engage the warp drive!

"The greatest of faults...is to be conscious of none."
Thomas Carlyle

A catchy little ditty which apparently originated from the Broadway show Avenue Q stating the obvious: The Internet is for Porn. Pretty much SFW, but you'll probably get the damn song stuck in your head.

How To Survive A Roboy Uprising (VIA Bifurcated Rivets)
Don't wait until it's too late! Make sure you've done your homework in the event you are attacked by robots.

LARRY DAVID: Cowboys Are My Weakness
Larry wrestles with his fear of viewing "Brokeback Mountain" in a way that only Larry can...not that there's anything wrong with that. In the event you need a testosterone building palette cleanser, a little cowgirl action as a bonus.

The Wizzard of Oil (VIA Hoffmania!)
"Somewhere under the radar, way down low.
There's a land that I heard of once, where the oil still flows.
Somewhere under the radar, folks are screwed.
And the schemes that you dare to scheme really do come through.
One day I wrecked the family car, and daddy and my mummy Bar remind me,
Of my troubles taking acid drops, the night they had to call the cops,
And then they fined me.
Somewhere under the radar, I'll get high. Drink Rye under the radar,
Try, oh yes I'll still try
Why, why must I be dry?"

"Every exit is an entry somewhere else."
Tom Stoppard

The world’s loudest music without amplification from a non-musical instrument
Holy crap! I had almost forgotten about this strange local tradition until I stumbled upon this as I was perusing my RSS feeds. Every Christmas Eve, they use the factory steam whistle to play Christmas carols. Sounds quaint, no? In theory, sure. But the reality of the event is that if you didn't know that someone was attempting to play music, you might think that some wounded cat had come back from beyond the grave to scare the living. When this year's show was cancelled due to a boiler malfunction, some said "it hurts not to hear it" but as I recall it usually hurt me to listen.

Although hardly a true oxymoron, I couldn't help but chuckle when I ran into Rachel Ray's Extra Virgin Olive Oil, since virgin and Rachel Ray aren't words that I would normally use in the same sentence. It seems that many people like to pick on her as lowbrow and amateurish, but she seems entertaining and engaging the few times I've seen her. But since she is hot and apparently likes chocolate, how could one dislike her?

Kodesex (VIA Linkfilter)
To most it's just innocent, funky art work on a silk-screened T-shirt. But if you know the code, what they are wearing could be an invitation to all sorts of fun, or sexual perversion (if that's your thing). "For instance, suppose -- just suppose -- you like getting oral sex, then your kodesex shirt would look like this:"

The Steely Dan Dictionary (VIA growabrain)
I'll spare you all the mondegreens that have been implanted in my head as a result of listening to Steely Dan. But this site resolves the mysteries that have left those who understood the lyrics scratching their heads.

And in case you didn't know it, Steely Dan is a dildo, not a band, but I could be wrong.

"People get tired of everything, and of nothing sooner than of what they most like."
George Bernard Shaw

Junk Mail Blinds
Junk mail, plus duct tape and an existing set of venetian blinds will get you this attractive and functional addition to your home decor. A do-it-yourselfers' dream.