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John's Blog

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!

Monday, February 28, 2005

Soda Nazis

The Reich Stuff?

Fanta was originally made from byproducts of cheese and jam production. Coca-Cola started to produce it for sale in Nazi Germany when the ingredients needed to make Coke became hard to get due to the war. The name comes from the German word for imagination (Fantasie or Phantasie), because the inventors thought that imagination was needed to taste oranges from the strange mix.

And speaking of Nazis, today's Gawker has an interesting piece on Ann Coulter.
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More From Wally World

Wal-Mart, the benevolent behemoth
Since I haven't picked on Wal-Mart lately, here are some interesting figures, posted by TBogg: "Wal-Mart employees average only $8.23 an hour in wages ($329 for a 40-hour week). By contrast, CEO Lee Scott received $295,530 a week in 2003. More than 62% of his $15.3 million in compensation was in the form of stock options or restricted stock.

For a forty-hour week, that works out to $7,388.25 per hour so he makes $7,380.02 per hour more than his average employee. That doesn't include tips, of course."

But as tempting as it is to vilify Wal-Mart, Robert Reich reminds us not to point a finger, since that leaves three pointing back at you.
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"All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward."
Ellen Glasgow
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More Fun Stuff

Paris Hilton's Sidekick Hacked!
Proving once again that I am stuck with the sense of humor of a 12 year old, this site proved to be a lot of fun! And be sure not to miss Linday Lohan's Boob Song.
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More Haiku

Office Haiku
What is an Office Haiku? Ancient Japanese poets created the Haiku form of poetry as a method of describing pastoral beauty. Traditional Haiku conclude with a new observation or an epiphany. When Haiku came to English, they were restricted to a syllabic pattern of 5,7,5.

Office Haiku employ the syllabic pattern 5,7,5 and conclude with an often humorous epiphany about the work place.
Hourly Wages
Fail to pay for gas and tolls.
Should have stayed at home.

My life has become
Microsoft Windows Update
Install in progress

The boss wonders why
Productivity declines.
No bonus this year!

MORE work haiku at:
OR, for other work related stress relief you could Shove Your Boss Down A Garbage Disposal
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Welcome Back

United States of Omega House
One of my favorite blogs Catch is back after a long "winter nap".
"Congratulations, American voters, you have now turned our country over to the same people we used to root against in the movies. Of course, this leaves those of us who aren't pleased about this wretched development only one choice .... it's time to go Bluto on these sonnova bitches. What the hell. Like Delta House, we've got nothing to lose and so very much to gain.
Now excuse me while I go tune up the Death Mobile..."
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Saturday, February 26, 2005

Enough Already

Murray the Bacterium
It's not bad enough that we are subjected to those nasty animated characters on the TV commercials about chest flem and foot fungus, but now yet another cartoon representation to potentially keep me awake at night! But since this one is kinda cute, and is intended to educate about the good things that bacteria do, I guess I'm if I could only get that damn Lamisil commercial out of my brain. (VIA The Presurfer)
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"I am so psychosomatic it makes me sick just thinking about it!"
George Costanza
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There Was Shrinkage!

Even the Vikings were troubled by the thought that size matters
Apparently the male fixation on size is a long standing tradition. But I would think that the Vikings could make an argument that the cold seas of the north and shrinkage might be the culprit!
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News In Brief

The Onion: Bush Determined To Find Warehouse Where Ark Of Covenant Is Stored
WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise press conference Monday, President Bush said he will not rest until the warehouse where the Ark of the Covenant, the vessel holding the original Ten Commandments, is located. "Nazis stole the Ark in 1936, but it was recovered by a single patriot, who braved gunfire, rolling boulders, and venomous snakes," Bush said, addressing the White House press corps. "Sadly, due to bureaucratic rigmarole, this powerful, historic relic was misplaced in a warehouse. Mark my words: We will find that warehouse." Bush added that, after they are strengthened by the power of the Ark, U.S. forces will seek out and destroy the sinister Temple of Doom.
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Super Office Friends

This Place Sucks
Having never seen the movie Office Space until just recently, I had never realized just how funny this movie is. So this animated clip combining the movie and these superheros really tickled my funny-bone.....but I'm easily amused.
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Hooters Gates

Geesh, Everybody has to get in on the fun I guess! And there is also The Gaytz and a few others as well! (VIA Boing Boing)
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Friday, February 25, 2005

Sick Stuff

The Book of Sick
Some of the sickest and most offensive stuff I've seen in awhile....I'm not saying that it's not hilarious....just don't say you weren't warned! (VIA The Blog Monkey)
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After shoveling out from the snowstorm last night, this quote about snow comes to mind:
"Snow and sex are somewhat alike. It doesn't pay to worry about how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last."
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A Different View

Worth 1000 Photoshop Contest
Not that I'm into men in women's clothing, but some of these "Presidents-In-Drag" come off pretty good. Harriet Truman, Ronni, and Classy Clinton are some of my favorites. As disturbing as Ronnies Pool Party is.....I can't stop finding "her" attractive...guess I'm not focusing on the face, though.
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Stamp It Out

Pretend you're in prison and make a license!
From the folks who brought you The Acme Candy Heart Maker, now you can stamp out your own personalized licence plates! And don't forget to visit the Windows Error Message Generator.....although the more I get the "real deal" the less funny I might find these. Makes me glad I have a Mac around the house.
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In The Future

McSweeney's: Banned Books in The Year 2191
  • Lying Machines: Robot-Owned Media and How It Corrupts Democracy
  • Fatal Error: How We Elected a Robot President
  • Won't Die: Why Robots Should Never Be Appointed to the Supreme Court
  • New Constitution: Binary to English Translation
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    Cool Kitchen Gear
    Now THESE would be a best seller if we had the foresight to carry them at work! The only thing that would make it better is if they had a slot for a picture where the face is!
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    Thursday, February 24, 2005

    Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam...

    For The Love Of Spam
    I've more than had my fill of Spam, whether it's penis related e-mails or canned meat. I stumbled upon an image of the "Spam Museum" while I was cruising another site, and my curiosity led me to explore. These guys documented their visit, and it really looks like a "fun place" (insert sarcasm: HERE). Since I don't plan on visiting Minneapolis anytime soon, I'll have to be satisfied with their 2nd hand memories.

    MORE Spam links:
    My favorite 365 spam subject-lines
    Spamburgers, Spam nuggets, Spam spaghetti, Caesar salad with Spam, Spam and eggs
    Spamusement: Cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!
    Spam Shirts
    "That's not got much spam in it."
    Now For Something Completely Different
    No One Expects The Spanish Inquisition!
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    Virtually Worthless

    For a Good Time, Call Vivienne
    Gee, for a monthly fee of $6 you can get a virtual girlfriend named Vivienne. She never undresses, and is a tease who draws the line at anything beyond blowing kisses. If you marry her in a virtual ceremony, you get a virtual mother-in-law who calls you in the middle of the night on your cellphone to ask where you are and whether you have been treating her daughter right! And I have to pay for this?
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    "There is always a right and a wrong way, and the wrong way always seems the more reasonable."
    George Moore
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    New Tricks

    Bar Tricks
    Amaze (or just piss off) your friends with these assorted bar tricks, stunts and gags. But I'd be afraid that asking someone in a bar to "Choke my Chicken?" would be the kind of thing that would get you punched in the face!
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    Code Woes

    How Google's Blogspot Helps Spread Unwanted Software
    I love the "Next Blog" button on the "Blogger Bar" to sample other people's blogs. But on some pages the annoying pop-ups that try to install stuff and don't let you escape bugs the crap out of me! Even though I thought I had a decent pop-up blocker installed on IE, they continue to harass me unless I use Firefox, which handles these like a charm. But let's not blame Google, but rather let's blame the doofuses who put this code on their blogs in the first place!
    || JM, 7:39 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Dog Porn

    Dog Nose Heaven
    "How many times have you wasted hours on end, scouring the Web, searching for that perfect picture of a dog's cold, wet nose? Admit it, we all have. Take heart, proboscis canis admirers. Now, you can find all the dog noses you could dream of, all conveniently located in one place!"
    || JM, 7:34 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, February 23, 2005

    Should We Pick A New Name?

    Foot-scrapers are gross enough as it is.
    A rather unfortunately named product as found on
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    "Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."
    Francis Bacon
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    Gas It Up

    Gas Station Websites
    Why I've always had an obsession about gas stations remains a mystery to me to this day (an extension of being car crazy perhaps?) but between that and my fascination with bad web-design makes this a "must-see" site! (Thanks to Grow-a-brain)

    And some "semi-related" links for your driving pleasure:
    Whatever Happened To Standard Oil?
    Abandoned Gas Stations
    Unusual Gas Stations
    Gas Signs
    Gallery of Huge Beings
    Roadside Peek: An Adventure in Time
    The American Highway Project Inc
    The Lincoln Highway
    Not Fooling Anybody: A Chronicle Of Bad Conversions and Storefronts
    Old Trails
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    Signs Of The Times

    Burma Shave
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    Customers Say The Darndest Things

    Customers Say Really Ridiculous Things
    One of these days I might get around to executing an idea I had about an anonymous blog where those of us where I work could share all the "customer-from-Hell" stories that happen all too often. Until then, this link provides some pretty amusing antidotes about some of the crazy crap that occurs in the service sector.
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    Tuesday, February 22, 2005

    Separated At Birth?

    I think there is more than just a passing similarity between Greta Van Sustern and Clutch Cargo. Whenever I ask anybody if they are familiar with Clutch Cargo, they usually look at me as if I have two heads. Finally, I see that they have released Clutch Cargo: The Complete Series on DVD. I can then subject one and all to the lameness that Clutch represented.

    The claim to fame of this series is that instead of using traditional animation, they filmed real lips and superimposed them over cartoons (think: Conan O'Brien) with little to none other movement. I guess in 1959 when they did this, it might have been innovative animation, but even as a kid I remember it as sucking. I was also uncomfortable with a character named "Paddlefoot"(even if it was a dog), thinking it was a bit insensitive to those with birth defects. But you can bet this DVD will wind up on my Amazon wish list!
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    Political Animals
    The Danger of Mainstream Media Breaking Gannon story...
    Half Vast
    Your Center for Gay Republican Rumors
    Pass The Parsing
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    "We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove."
    Mark Twain (Samuel Langhornne Clemens)
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    Gmail Invites

    Apparently the long wait for Gmail is over. Although I had signed up for the beta test, I never received an official response until the other day when they finally did the public rollout. This was pretty anti-climatic, since everybody I know who wanted an account has one, and has more invitations to give away than they know what to do with. Anybody still want one? This site: gmail invite spooler has about 1.5 million invitations to distribute. I find myself using it more than any of my other e-mail accounts, and it's a great way to have access to files no matter which computer I'm on.
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    Here We Go Again

    From the "folks" (and I use that term ever so loosely) who brought you The Swift Boat Vets, the right-wingnuts have chosen to target the AARP. But I'm guessing that unlike Kerry, they can fight back. As one of the posters of Daily Kos puts it: "Republicans say the darndest things!"

    But as Paul Krugman warns, expect W to "wag the dog" and change the subject before we get to reflect upon how badly this is going for him. Let's hope that he isn't successful at painting Iran as the next front in the neocon (neo-Nazi?) conquests.
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    Keeping Abreast Of Things

    Naughty Nipples
    Thank God there's finally a store that is "dedicated to the needs of the cross-dressing community". Large and extra large should come with a warning to wear safety glasses, since it looks like you could poke an eye out on these!
    || JM, 10:12 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, February 21, 2005

    Do It Yourself?

    How to create your own Senseo coffee pads
    You can produce your own coffee pads.....but I'm not really sure why you would want to! If I can't muster up the strength to measure out coffee to brew it, do you think I would go through all this? "Making your own coffee pads is bound to save you a bundle." Here's a thought...I'll just keep my old cheap-assed coffee maker and continue to spoon it out and save even MORE money! There isn't a snowball's chance in Hell that I'd even consider do-it-yourself soap making!
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    "You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give."
    Winston Churchill
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    Stop Me If You've Heard This Before

    The Book of Clichés
    If you take clichés out of my vocabulary, I will have so very little to say that the silence might be deafening! C'est la vie.....Nobody is perfect.

  • Clichés: each of them makes something easier, but all of them together make things very complicated
  • Clichés are never new
  • There is truth in every cliché
  • Avoid cliches like the plague
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    Bovines Divine

    Cows With Guns
    A catchy little ditty that might explain why I wasn't going to buy another Gateway! via Bifurcated Rivets.
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    Sunday, February 20, 2005

    A Nice Place To Visit

    Pennsylvania: "Better than your state. Sure, the roads suck, but not as bad as parts of Kentucky. Sure, the people can be dumb, but not as dumb as in Alabama. Sure, the weather sucks, but not as badly as it does in Alaska. Yeah, okay, it's a little rural, and you have to buy your liquor in state stores, and there's no beaches, but at least we're not West Virginia. Or Iowa.

    Plus, the Amish are cool, we make ketchup and chocolate, the Steelers used to be a decent team, and hey! we've got a town called Intercourse.
    Pennsylvania has Intercourse. Your state doesn't."

    After yesterday's posts that included some "local" sites, I got to thinking about some of the local stuff from my old stomping grounds, York Pa. Although there are many worthwhile sites to visit,, and much quaint architecture, York has been known in other parts of the country for a variety of weird reasons. They still make the dubious claim of being the First Capital of the United States.

    When I tell people that I grew up in York, I find that York is best known for Air-conditioning, Hex murders, peppermint patties, Three Mile Island, more murders and riots, Kohr's Custard, Utz Potato Chips, barbells, The band Live, and motorcycles.

    A nice place to visit, but I didn't want to live there since as the Wikipedia entry for Pennsylvania describes it with a just a little bit of an understatement: "The central part of the state tends to be very conservative."

    A few more PA links for good measure, (or to beat a dead horse) SIX THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT: PENNSYLVANIA. And if you can ignore the obnoxious HTML and forgive the author for the bad fashion choice of the mullet (obviously both products of the 80's) this Pennsylvania Turnpike History Site can be quite a treasure trove of interesting facts and pictures of what "they" claim to be "The World's Greatest Highway" (NOT!)
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    Get The Sensation

    McSweenets: Rejected York Peppermint Pattie Commercial Blurbs

    When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I don't get any sensation. I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Please ... just leave me alone.

    When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I feel the sensation of the Lord's righteous anger as he reveals his plan to use me as his holy instrument of judgment! It's all right there between the lines of the ingredients list!

    When I bite into a York Peppermint Pattie, I get the sensation of being curled in a ball inside a cold, dark cave filled with my darkest, most paralyzing fears. Maybe if I stay really, really still, the clowns won't find me when they come out of the mirror. Shh!
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    "I hope my sensitive female side is wearing sensible leather pumps."
    Zippy The Pinhead
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    There Was An 'Old Woman....

    Haines Shoe House
    No, there wasn't an old woman, but there was an eccentric old man who built a big shoe to draw attention to his business. An interesting story, particularly in today's homogenized McD's/Wal-Mart world. I've driven by this place a gazillion times (OK, maybe less) but never gone inside. Apparently even Zippy has been there.
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    Saturday, February 19, 2005

    Performance Art

    Gift to the City: The Crackers
    "The Crackers" is as much a public happening as it is a tasty snack, defying the domino theory. Peanut butter or cheddar cheese. They poured their hearts and souls into the project for over 26 minutes. It required three dozen crackers and spanned over nearly 23 inches along a footbridge in the park at a cost (borne exclusively by the artists) of $2.50. Is it art? You decide. The installation was completed with no permits or bureaucracy, and fed to the ducks after about a half hour. "The Crackers" is entirely for profit.

    The Unwritten Code of Subway Performers, Written
    Question: So when you see all these subway musicians making money from tips, do they actually have to pay taxes on the money they make? Is any of what they do under the government’s jurisdiction?—Keith

    Answer: While there certainly are laws that describe what a subway performer can and cannot do, the vast majority of the rules are part of a code of ethics passed from generation to generation of subway performers, unknown by any outside their tight-knit group. That is, until now...."

    And since I've featured these "local" links, how can I not pass along these? The Sopranos On Location features some local spots made famous thanks to HBO. And a recycled post that I had done awhile back about local gravesights.
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    "Live out of your imagination, not your history."
    Stephen R. Covey
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    Exchange Rate?

    An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen"

    The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
    || JM, 11:04 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    The Shrine To Don Knotts

    The Shrine To Don Knotts
    "His talents range from keeper of law and order (Barney Fife, The Andy Griffith Show) to sex symbol (Abner Peacock, The Love God) but underneath it all, he has always remained an unappreciated man of integrity, humility and most of all - cheesiness! So dear Mr. Knotts, we salute you and thank you for teaching us to laugh about life and love again!"
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    Thursday, February 17, 2005

    Good Service

    McDonald's Bathroom Attendant
    Wow, this is too funny. The only thing that I objected to is that I didn't think of it first!
    "The idea was to deck out a fast food joint with all the trappings of a five star restaurant. There would be a Maitre D' standing behind a podium asking for your reservation, a hostess to seat you, a waiter to take your order, and an attendant in the bathroom. The obvious problem with this idea is that it would very likely be shut down as soon as it begins. I decided to focus on the bathroom attendant aspect, figuring that we could last much longer in a secluded mens room....."

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    "Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."
    Milton Berle
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    When, Oh When?

    Law & Order Haiku
    At seven. At eight.
    Nothing at nine. At ten, though.
    And at eleven.

    How many times do you find yourself asking When is Law & Order On? Yea, you are right since a far simpler question might be "when ISN'T it on?" Other links to satisfy your L&O jones include:
    L&O Cast Chart
    Episodes Guide
    Random Law and Order Plot Generator
    Mike Logan Returns
    || JM, 10:18 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, February 16, 2005

    Now It Makes Sense!

    Why John Kerry lost the election: A Pictorial Essay
    A very "on target" photo essay found via The Presurfer. Even though I supported Kerry, one look at these images provides an "ah-ha" moment that perhaps explains why so many swing voters may have swung the way that they did. Sort of like buying a product for the label and ignoring the contents. I hope you are happy with your purchase.
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    It's All In The Attitude

    A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
    || JM, 9:54 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches."
    Alice Roosevelt Longworth
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    Tuesday, February 15, 2005

    per·spec·tive: A mental view or outlook: “It is useful occasionally to look at the past to gain a perspective on the present” (Fabian Linden).....The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to a whole: a perspective of history; a need to view the problem in the proper perspective....Subjective evaluation of relative significance; a point of view: the perspective of the displaced homemaker....The ability to perceive things in their actual interrelations or comparative importance: tried to keep my perspective throughout the crisis.

    Sometimes it's so easy to lose perspective. Just yesterday morning I had been looking at the newspaper and the web and seeing numerous pieces on Christo and his installation of the gates in Central Park. Even though most of the reviews seem to be good and it seems to be a crowd pleaser it just didn't grab me or impress me. Don't get me wrong, I'm usually a big fan of grand pieces of public art, but it's just this one that was leaving me cold, maybe because I view Central Park as a work of art in itself, but then again it might just be that I can be a real stick in the mud sometimes.

    Before I could sit down and type up my curmudgeon like thoughts, a sad event took place that changed my perspective. I received word that a friend of ours who was a young, vibrant, and apparently healthy guy just dropped over at his desk of a massive heart attack and passed away. Words cannot adequately express the shock and sadness that an event like this brings on; his warmth, kindness, bighearted generosity, and good humor will leave a giant void in all the lives that he touched.

    There is never a "good part" to a story like this, but I have to think if there were one it would be as a wake up call to remember the fleeting nature of life, and as a reminder to enjoy every moment to the fullest. All of us take so much for granted, and sometimes don't appreciate life as the gift it is. We need to take joy in what we do and celebrate the good things when the opportunity presents itself, and roll with the bad stuff, since it could always be worse. Somehow those damn gates don't look all that bad anymore.
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    Saturday, February 12, 2005

    Valentine's Day Links

    Be My Anti-Valentine
    "Valentine's Day is like herpes: just when you think its gone for good, it rears its ugly head once more. No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.

    Yes, it's that special time of year when chocolate manufacturers and greetings card companies encourage you to demonstrate the extent of your fondness in cold, hard, cash (or the satin-covered equivalent) on February 14th."

    And a few alternative points of view from
    "Valentine's Day: a corporate conspiracy conceived by candy makers, rose growers, lingerie stores, and jewellers to get people to spend money on junk......A day in which cards, candies and gifts are bought for one's signifigant other, in hopes that their signifigant other may allow them to release oxytocin and vasopressin into their systems, making their brain patterns appear as though they are snorting cocaine."

    Almost Un-Bearable!
    The most authentic and effective way to express deep feelings of lust, love and like to that special someone. Perfect for Valentine's Day!

    White Castles Offer Candlelight Dinner
    When you care enough to give the very best......or are either brave or stupid!

    Valentine's Day Survival Kit
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    Our Love Will Set Us Free

    FROM: The Perry Bible Fellowship
    This is the closest thing to "warm & fuzzy" that you'll find on this site....but you'll find some bizarre and funny stuff that's worth a look. Definitely NOT a religious site!
    || JM, 7:16 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Express Yourself

    ACME Heart Maker
    Make you own custom candy heart!
    || JM, 7:14 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Sometimes it's a form of love just to talk to somebody that you have nothing in common with and still be fascinated by their presence."
    David Byrne
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    Maybe We Should Have Just Lived Together

    Shoulda Never Gotten Married
    Even though Leno has beaten this to death, I'm just a simple boy who still finds this silly stuff funny!
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    Friday, February 11, 2005

    Man Of The People?

    FROM: Political Animals
    And I'm glad to be wrong about Bush's popularity, but as found on Hoffmania! : "Three months too late, but America's catching on."
  • Adults were evenly divided on Bush’s job performance in January, but now 54 percent disapprove and 45 percent approve.
  • The number who think the country is headed down the wrong track increased from 51 percent to 58 percent in the past month.
  • Older Americans, especially those 50 and above, were most responsible for the declining confidence and approval numbers. Middle-aged people between 30 and 50 were about evenly split on Bush’s job performance.
  • 42 percent approved of the president’s handling of Iraq, while 57 percent disapproved. That compares to 44 percent approval and 54 percent disapproval in January.
  • || JM, 5:12 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    From The Mouths Of Babes

    Paul Krugman: Bush's Class-War Budget
    "It may sound shrill to describe President Bush as someone who takes food from the mouths of babes and gives the proceeds to his millionaire friends. Yet his latest budget proposal is top-down class warfare in action.....

    First, the facts: the budget proposal really does take food from the mouths of babes. One of the proposed spending cuts would make it harder for working families with children to receive food stamps, terminating aid for about 300,000 people. Another would deny child care assistance to about 300,000 children, again in low-income working families.

    And the budget really does shower largesse on millionaires even as it punishes the needy. .....The question is whether the relentless mean-spiritedness of this budget finally awakens the public to the true cost of Mr. Bush's tax policy."
    || JM, 9:17 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen."
    Bob Edwards
    || JM, 9:16 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    More Right-WingNuts

    The News That Fits
    "Long criticized for its brand of journalism, The Washington Times makes a habit of publishing the work of extremists — including the wife of the newspaper's managing editor...who believes America has become a "den of iniquity" thanks to "its efforts to accommodate minorities."

    White men should "run, not walk" to wed "racially conscious" white women and avoid being out-bred by non-whites. Latinos are "rising to take this country away from those who made it," the "Euroamericans." Muslims are "human hyenas" who "smell blood" and are "closing in" on their "weakened prey," meaning "the white race." Blacks, Coombs sneers, are "saintly victims who can do no wrong." Black solidarity and non-white immigration are imposing "racial revolution and decomposition" in America."
    || JM, 9:14 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, February 10, 2005

    Please Pass The Kool-Aid Home of the Best Anti-Bush T-Shirts

    First the rape and pillaging of the social security system....well; that's not really the first but for a moment, let me ignore all the obvious missteps of W's first term. Now he continues to insult our intelligence with budget estimates that are wildly optimistic (when that suits his ends) and ignore spending commitments that make the budget a joke. Then the true costs of Bush's Medicare drug benefit come out and we find it will cost far more that they said when they sold it to Congress. Gee, anybody other than me skeptical about the motivations of passing a fix that really didn't fix anything in an election year, only to find out that it's going to cost way more than what we were told?

    And somehow, even with all this going on his popularity seems to rise. I need to drink some of that Rovian flavored Kool-Aid so I can blindly accept the nonsense that Bush spews out that is diametrically opposite the actions that he takes. What drives me nuts is that this proponent of smaller government grows the debt and the size of the federal government at an incredible rate. He claims to be a compassionate conservative, yet cuts back on essential programs to help the disadvantaged, while claiming to help them, and at the same time funding continued tax breaks for the rich. The saber rattling warrior with his eye on Iran, who conveniently looks the other way as North Korea continues to stockpile "nuklur" materials and make bombs (perhaps because they can fight back?)

    What am I missing; how can this clown continue to get away with it? They continue to define their own reality, and most people just accept it without a challenge. The recent passing of "Dean Wormer" has me remembering (and doubting) his sage advice that "fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son!" Perhaps that's the only way I can accept this stupidity that passes for governing. I'm putting Bush on double SECRET Probation until I come up with another solution! "Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
    || JM, 9:11 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Reason obeys itself; and ignorance submits to whatever is dictated to it."
    Tom Paine
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    Good Advice

    Laura Bush's Parents Guide To Raising Harlots
  • It is important that children learn to share at an early age. Start with a fifth of Cuervo Gold.
  • Tell the housekeeper to keep $1,000 (cash) in her purse at all times for bail. (This will save you from giving your girls your unlisted cell phone number.)
  • There is absolutely no excuse for a Christian young lady to be caught drinking liquor in public – especially when you consider that Seagram's 7 looks just like Original Listerine when it is decanted into a 16 oz. plastic mouthwash bottle!
  • Learn the difference between words "arrest" and "citation." This simple information can save you a world of embarrassment when friends or Jim Lehrer ask you: "So, which one of the twins was arrested last night?"
  • || JM, 9:06 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Grocery Lists Of Note | TOP 10
    "Hmmmm. Did God tell me to use the knife? Or was it the hatchet?!"
    || JM, 9:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, February 09, 2005

    The Year of the Rooster

    Gung Hei Fat Choy! Welcome to The Year of the Rooster.

    Those born in The Year Of The Rooster are talented, thoughtful, and eccentric. Although capable and talented, they can be difficult to deal with, and become disappointed when they fail. They frequently are loners, and although appearing adventurous and full-of bravado, they are in fact timid. The emotions and moods of The Rooster vary widely, usually swinging from high to low. They are hard workers, brave, outspoken, and confident about making decisions. They will speak their minds, and as a result will be perceived as boastful. Some interesting information on the Chinese calendar can be found here, here, or here.

    There are many traditions, and superstitions in the New Year's celebrations. Prior to the New Year's day the house must be cleaned and the kitchen god must be fed to insure good fortune for the coming year. Cleaning and using sharp objects like knives are forbidden since you might be washing away or cutting out good luck for the coming year. Debts should be repaid, profanity avoided, and you should be nice to all for good luck.

    Many other Chinese New Year Customs are explained by a nice entry from Wikipedia, as well as some other insights into the Celebration of the Chinese New Year.

    Some other links of interest on "semi-related" topics:
    E-Cards For Chinese New Year!
    Far Away, And Soon: Five Years Of Broken Promises, Bad Advice, And Misguided Consolation From The Fortune Cookie Industry
    What's Your Sign?
    Forgotten NY:Back To The Bowery
    The Well-Tempered Wok
    || JM, 7:05 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop."
    || JM, 7:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    'Dem Sum Dumplins!

    Since food is an important part of any Chinese holiday, it's inevitable that my thoughts on Chinese New year would wind up including Dim Sum, which are small steamed or fried dishes that are brought around to your table. It's also referred to as "yum-cha" which means "tea lunch". Dim sum is usually served in the morning, and eaten with family and friends. The term dim sum is often translated as "touching the heart".

    Check out some typical Dim Sum menu items and my favorite Dim Sum restaurants: HSF and Golden Unicorn.

    Or you could just stay home and rent a movie.
    || JM, 7:01 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, February 07, 2005

    Love Poem

    Geek Love Poem T-Shirt
    There's still enough time before Valentine's Day to order this funny T-shirt found via Grow-A-Brain:
    roses are #FF0000
    violets are #0000FF
    all my base
    are belong to you

    (In the event the "all my base" reference is obscure, another nice UrbanDictionary definition.)
    || JM, 9:26 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it."
    David Starr Jordan
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    Politics As Usual

    "If there's any single area where conservatives have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams, it's in convincing the populace that government sucks. Sure, they got a great kickstart from Vietnam and Watergate, but it was decades of railing against waste and fraud and incompetence that finally won the day for them...."

    The Propaganda President
    "If 'Dear Leader' Kim Jong-il of North Korea and George W. Bush ever meet, I suspect the two will bond like long-lost brothers. Both men are first-born sons of powerful fathers who partied like adolescents well into their adult lives, after which they submitted to their dynastic fates as heads of state...."

    I'm actually a little surprised Vice President Cheney said this.
    "Indebtedness is our problem. And Cheney's solution is to borrow many trillions more dollars over the next two or three decades, in addition to our existing structural budget deficits which are likely themselves unsustainable. And he and the White House now admit this will do nothing to improve the financial condition of Social Security...."
    || JM, 9:24 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Say What?

    Japanese/English Textbook
    Some interesting phrases translated for Japanese "adult" education as found on Bifurcated Rivets. Offensive on many levels, but still funny. Also worth a look would be for other mangled translations.
    || JM, 9:22 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sunday, February 06, 2005

    Super Sunday

    Urban Dictionary: Super Bowl
    "Americans think they are hardasses because they play "football", but the truth is that they had to come up with their own version of a game called football cause they sucked at real game! Everyone knows that soccer is the real game of football."

    McSweeney's: Super Bowl Lore
    "In the '70s, it was the Pittsburgh Steelers who were America's darlings. Before Super Bowl XIII, the Cowboys' "Hollywood" Henderson told the press that Steelers quarterback Terry Bradshaw "couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the C and the A." He was correct.

    In Super Bowl VII, Miami held Richard Nixon to just 18 yards on 14 rushing attempts as the Dolphins defeated Washington 24-20.

    Go Eagles! At least, for this guy's sake!
    || JM, 4:54 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Today's W Links

    George W. Bush, Episode II Sorry, Star-Wars fans....
    Iraq Goes Theocracy Before Thumb Ink Even Dries "With religious Shiite parties poised to take power in the new constitutional assembly, leading Shiite clerics are pushing for Islam to be recognized as the guiding principle of the new constitution…"
    Read My Lips "President Bush isn't just a president who lies routinely. He's a president who lies routinely to his friends."
    A Bushie Budget "Because he has to pay for the tax cuts he gave to the wealthy, the fake war in Iraq and his Social Security debacle, the Bush budget will include some cutting; not to pork, but some "unimportant" programs...."
    Enemies of Tom DeLay Assassinated or something like
    "While we're busy loading up our iPods and watching the 5th season of the Apprentice in 2 years, politicians have turned their office into the latest get rich quick scheme. Only they've made it work....."
    || JM, 2:32 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
    W. C. Fields
    || JM, 2:30 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Work Links

    CS: The Customer Is Never Right! is a site that has stories from the service industry. I had expected more "funny stuff" and less bitterness, but it's worth a look all the same. Another site that more effecievely combines bitterness and humor would be Work which has some pretty funny Haiku poems like these:

    Is this my life now
    This job is just meaningless
    Where's my razor blades

    It's a dead-end job
    Someone has got to do it
    "But, why me!" I cry

    Wasting all my time
    Selling overpriced rubbish
    Wish I could go home

    sex is fulfilling
    but work is not fulfilling
    so have lets of sex
    || JM, 2:28 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Ready To Wear?

    What Boyfriend Will She Wear?
    When you see a story in The New Your Times about "scratch-n-sniff" panties, you can be pretty sure it isn't going to be the kind of sleazy story you might see elsewhere (or had hoped for). The article profiles the "wares" available at Munki where they sell scratch and sniff undies designed to evoke memories of old boyfriends. The scents aren't what you might expect, but include BBQ sauce(BBQ guy), fresh cut grass(mower-man), and cedar(handy-man).

    But I see no product with the guys in mind, so please, at your earliest convenience add the following men's flavors: vanilla (sorry; it was nice but my career is more important-girl), marijuana (crazy like a loon, but I've got enormous breasts-girl), bubble-gum (we've got nothing in common, but I've got enormous breasts and my father has political connections-girl), and peach ("stop talking to my husband" cyber-connection-girl).
    || JM, 2:23 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Saturday, February 05, 2005

    Assorted Fun Stuff

    The Museum Of Bad Album Covers
    A medley of Beatles songs performed by howling dogs! Might be Paul's back-up band for the Superbowl!

    And a funny piece from The NY Times about Sir Paul's Playbook:
    "We've reviewed your set list and dance routine, and we have just a few notes:

    "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da": Is there something you can say after "life goes on" that's not "bra"? The word still makes us a little nervous around here. Thanks.

    "I Saw Her Standing There": "Well, she was just 17, you know what I mean"? I am fairly certain that I do not know what you mean, but I do know that she'd better be at least 18. Make that 21. Or 25. She was just 25. That works fine......"
    || JM, 10:52 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    New Direction For Google? FromThe Onion: Google's Future
    || JM, 10:48 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Hooked On Phonics! From: The Parking Lot Is Full
    || JM, 10:46 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "The Press was protected so that it could bare the secrets of the government and inform the people. Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government. And paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent ANY part of the government from deceiving the people."
    Justice Hugo L Black, U S Supreme Court, N Y Times vs. U.S., 1971 (ah...the good 'ol days!)
    || JM, 10:44 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, February 04, 2005

    Gung Hei Fat Choy

    Museum Of Chinese In The Americas
    The Year of the Rooster will be here soon; the year 4703 begins on February 9th! Seems like a good time to visit this museum and grab some Dim Sum at the same time!

    “Have you eaten yet,” is a standard Chinese greeting sharing the same connotation as “how are you?” Its' use signifies the importance of food in the Chinese culture. I remember when my wife's grandmother was alive, the only words of English I ever heard her say were "Eat, Eat". I also remember hearing her refer to me as "gwai low" or "gwai jey" which my wife generously translated as "boyfriend" (this was before we were married). It was only later that she shared with me the more literal translation "son of the white ghost", which sounds worse than it is; glad the wife served as a cultural buffer. Perhaps I should learn more Cantonese; my knowledge is limited to mostly food related words, is it any wonder?
    || JM, 9:47 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."
    || JM, 9:45 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Another Goodbye

    Enterprise Cancellation Announced
    I wasn't too surprised to see that they finally pulled the plug on Star Trek Enterprise. I'm disappointed, but it's not like I want to express my rage on the subject. I was hopeful that less Berman would improve the show, but it looks like Les Moonves proved to be it's demise. Good luck with the letter writing campaigns, I guess there is an outside chance that a cable outlet such as SciFi Channel might pick up the series, but I guess giving it a rest isn't such a bad idea either. I'm a Star Trek fan, but not that not that big of a pathetic geek to write letters. If I did I would feel like I had joined this category!
    || JM, 9:44 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Beware Bill

    Hide Your IPod
    "About 80 percent of Microsoft employees who have a portable music player have an iPod.....So popular is the iPod, executives are increasingly sending out memos frowning on its use."
    || JM, 9:42 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Today's Robot Link

    Consciously, or unconsciously I find myself returning to many of the same topics. Since I haven't done a robot post in a while, this link from Attu sees all will have to do.
    || JM, 9:40 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, February 03, 2005

    The George Bush Experience

    Urban Dictionary: "The George W. Bush Experience: A physiological condition which symptoms include any of or a combination of the following: confusion, incoherence, irrationality, elation, bliss, delirium, excitability, and/or euphoria. Often induced by various chemicals or by the placement of afflicted person in a position of power."

    And since I made good on my pledge to avoid The State of the Union Address, I can just read the reviews. Slate says : "President Bush is a man of very clear principles. He's just flexible about when to apply them....".

    However, If you want to hear a better speech from W, perhaps you should visit the George W Bush Speechwriter and make one of your own for him!
    || JM, 9:24 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:


    "I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, "What the hell good would that do?"
    Ronnie Shakes
    || JM, 9:21 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Slice Of Life

    Overheard In New York
    A pushy, obnoxious woman tries to cram her way onto the subway before the passengers exiting even get a chance to get out the door. She screams: If you would get out of the way and let me on first, then you can get off!
    --Penn Station

    And this would be unusual, why?
    || JM, 9:18 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Gotta Get One!

    Enough with the winter weather! Let's get on with it and bring on spring, so I can order one of these and plant it in the garden!
    || JM, 9:16 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, February 02, 2005

    State Of The Union?

    How to prepare for the State of the Union
    1. Do not eat one hour before to one hour after the speech. This will help prevent an upset stomach;
    2. Insure that there is something comfortable, like carpeting or padding, in front of your toilet. This way, even if you do need to vomit, at least your knees will not be bruised on the hard bathroom floor;
    3. If you are watching the speech with a partner, spend some time lying to each other. This will be good prep for the State of the Union;
    4. Have a dictionary handy in case President Bush uses big words ... umm, strike that; no chance of that happening;
    5. Wear your SpongeBob SquarePants mask. One cartoon character deserves another;
    6. Take something in your home that is breakable. Smash it against the wall. Jump on it repeatedly. Kick it. Then "fix" it in a haphazard and careless fashion. Tell everyone what a great job you did in patching it back together. Now you can understand the foreign policy portion of the speech;
    7. Call someone you know from a foreign country. Apologize one more time;
    8. Call someone you know from Canada. Ask them if they have an extra room you can use until you find a job and place of your own;
    9. Read Riverbend so you have a better sense of what is REALLY happening in Iraq;
    10. Open that bottle of wine you've been saving. Now is a good time to start getting drunk.

    MUST...RESIST...URGE...TO TURN ON...TV 2NITE...unless I want to get angry (or is that angrier?) I'm not looking forward to hearing another speach from our great misleader. A few of the reasons why are recaped in this post from Knock Knock.

    But the suggestions above from Poetic Leanings may come in handy if I do break down and try to watch. I can only hope that the UPS guy shows up with the DVDs that I bought off eBay. If I really want to hope, I can wish for the sexy UPS driver found on theGoose's blog to show up on my doorstep...(WARNING: don't click the link if you are offended by hot naked women!)

    And as bad as the speech might be, the responce is usually worse.
    || JM, 1:55 PM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all."
    Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
    || JM, 1:52 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Bird Brain?

    Minds of Their Own: Birds Gain Respect
    Next time you go and call someone a "birdbrain", stop and consider this: "crows and parrots, among other birds, have shown what appears to be behavior as intelligent as that of chimpanzees." Damn it; one less colorful metaphor that I have to work with! If I can't use cliches to speak in, I may not have anything to say at all!
    || JM, 1:50 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Assorted Silliness

    4 out of 5 Dentists prefer fondling patients to sugarless gum
    In a study conducted by NewsHax for the New England Journal of Dentistry, 4 out of 5 dentists in our national survey indicated a sharp preference for fondling semi-conscious patients over sugarless gum.

    In a surprise second place finish, it turns out that more dentists actually prefer sugared gum to sugarless gum, and by a 5 to 1 margin. Says a spokseman for the National Dental Association, "Were you really surprised by any of this?"

    Hot or Not: The Senate Version
    Found this link on The Presurfer which I found pretty funny, eventhough I thought I had seen all the "Hot or Not" parodies before.

    || JM, 1:13 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, February 01, 2005

    I Wonder?

    T Shirt Humor
    Some funny stuff here, not that I would want to wear them. Heck, the wife won't even be seen with me in public when I wear the shirts I got at Crazy Shirts when we were in Hawaii.....something about being "age appropriate".
    || JM, 9:17 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:


    "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
    Dave Barry

    "There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money."
    Ben Franklin

    "They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated,why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat!"
    David Letterman

    "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
    Aldous Huxley

    "If dogs could talk, perhaps we'd find it just as hard to get along with them as we do people."
    Karel Capek
    || JM, 9:08 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Dog Stuff

    You Know You Are a Dog Person When...
  • You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
  • You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places
    around the house, but no babies.
  • You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there
    are nose-prints all over the inside.
  • You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your

    Guilty as charged. Since today is our dog's birthday, I'll limit my post to dog related topics. No, we didn't buy any presents but we did get a cake; we told my brother-in-law that it was for him since he shares the same birthday, but I think he saw through that.

    A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all.”

    How Dogs and Men are the Same:
    Both take up too much space on the bed.
    Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
    Both mark their territory.
    Neither tells you what's bothering them.
    The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
    Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
    Neither does any dishes.
    Both fart shamelessly.
    Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
    Both like dominance games.
    Both are suspicious of the postman.
    Neither understands what you see in cats.

    Funniest Joke Told By A Dog
  • || JM, 9:06 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link: