John's Blog

How to prepare for the State of the Union
1. Do not eat one hour before to one hour after the speech. This will help prevent an upset stomach;
2. Insure that there is something comfortable, like carpeting or padding, in front of your toilet. This way, even if you do need to vomit, at least your knees will not be bruised on the hard bathroom floor;
3. If you are watching the speech with a partner, spend some time lying to each other. This will be good prep for the State of the Union;
4. Have a dictionary handy in case President Bush uses big words ... umm, strike that; no chance of that happening;
5. Wear your SpongeBob SquarePants mask. One cartoon character deserves another;
6. Take something in your home that is breakable. Smash it against the wall. Jump on it repeatedly. Kick it. Then "fix" it in a haphazard and careless fashion. Tell everyone what a great job you did in patching it back together. Now you can understand the foreign policy portion of the speech;
7. Call someone you know from a foreign country. Apologize one more time;
8. Call someone you know from Canada. Ask them if they have an extra room you can use until you find a job and place of your own;
9. Read Riverbend so you have a better sense of what is REALLY happening in Iraq;
10. Open that bottle of wine you've been saving. Now is a good time to start getting drunk.

MUST...RESIST...URGE...TO TURN ON...TV 2NITE...unless I want to get angry (or is that angrier?) I'm not looking forward to hearing another speach from our great misleader. A few of the reasons why are recaped in this post from Knock Knock.

But the suggestions above from Poetic Leanings may come in handy if I do break down and try to watch. I can only hope that the UPS guy shows up with the DVDs that I bought off eBay. If I really want to hope, I can wish for the sexy UPS driver found on theGoose's blog to show up on my doorstep...(WARNING: don't click the link if you are offended by hot naked women!)

And as bad as the speech might be, the responce is usually worse.