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John's Blog

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho

McSweeney's Lists provides us with The Names of Snow White's Seven Dwarfs After Being Prescribed Paxil, Ritalin, Prozac, Lithium, Provigil, and Benadryl.

But did you know that Blabby, Jumpy, Shifty, and Snoopy were some of the rejected dwarf names? Given current trends to titillate, I'd expect that in a modern remake if the dwarfs were rebranded for todays' audiences, they would have to consider the names Horny, and Sleezy. And maybe a female dwarf "Busty" might help the demographics of a remake. Besides, seven guys who hang with each other, most with "beards" (wink, wink) makes the film a bit too gay friendly for red state viewers.

And if the movie were being made today, we can be assured that the oh so politically incorrect term dwarf would not be used. But "Snow White & The Seven Little People" just doesn't strike the same sweet spot. Perhaps "vertically challenged gnomes" might work better. Given labor costs and current downsizing trends of corporate America, it's highly doubtful that we would have seven dwarts, maybe four, max.

I have to ask if you really think that we would want a lead character named Snow White, that might be viewed as racialy divisive? No, I'm sure that we would see a more ethnically diverse cast with a lead character of ambiguous ethnicity, which is as it should be. You have to bear in mind that the original was made in 1937, which is lightyears away from where we are today in terms of sensitivity. Or at least, we delude ourselves that we are.

Perhaps the saddest take on this subject is that 77 percent of U.S. residents could name two of Snow White's dwarfs, whereas only 24 percent could name two Supreme Court justices. And we wonder how Dubya became a two term President?
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A Matter Of Perspective

The D.C. Simpson comic I Drew This shows us the vile hatred of the liberal mindset. Time and time again, the right wing seems to have a strict policy of "he who is without shame casts the first stone".

So it really isn't that big of a surprise when the administrations' chief foreign aid adviser, who ironically enough required recipients to denounce prostitution, had a personal policy that had no such limitation. Or that one of the few claims of progress in Iraq, a rebuilding program that supposedly provided results has actually produced projects which are crumbling and unusable. And with the governments chief law enforcement officer presiding over a variety of illegal endeavors and a rollback of due process, how can one not help but to be confused?

Could we expect anything else from the gang who can't shoot straight? One debacle after another, the list just keeps getting longer and more shameful.
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"This President may occupy the White House, but for the last six years the position of leader of the free world has remained open."
Barack Obama
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Hot Stuff

Sometimes, you just can't avoid the appeal of a Sexy Lady; but you don't always get what you bargain for. And I'm not talking trannies, although the same rule does apply there as well.
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Did I Break Your Concentration?

Pulp Fiction Meets Star Wars is one of the classic Pulp Fiction Parodies on YouTube. Even though I've posted these before, the classics never get old.
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Thursday, April 26, 2007


Gerard at The Presurfer presents a rather accurate History Of Blogging. I've vowed NOT to give in to peer group pressure, and get a Twitter account. But at various points in time, I've said the same thing about answering machines, computers, cell phones and blogs... and ultimately had to eat my words. Considering how little I have to say most of the time and my generally lazy blogging tendencies you would think I'd take to it like white on rice. Never say never, I guess. I have to say that I DO find Twittervision, a mash-up of Twitter and Google maps quite an entertaining diversion.

But trying to keep blogging fresh and interesting isn't that easy. I've never really done this in an attempt to garner an audience, but just as an outlet for my own amusement. And increasingly, I haven't been all that interested recently. When I do get an idea, it seems like I stumble upon somebody else who does it first, and usually better. My anti-Giuliani rant seemed tame and unnecessary after Keith Olbermann cut him down to size last night, so into the trash it went.

And here's a bloggers sign-off that beats the pants off anything I could put together. Not that I'm quitting, but just going to scale back although my less frequent posting has probably already established that fact. It could just be another mood swing; we'll see how things play out.
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Wright Stuff

When The Leaves Blow Away brings us some new stuff from the unique perspective of comic genius Steven Wright.
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"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
Steven Wright
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Take Me Out To The Ballgame

John McPherson's "Close to Home" shows us "Baseball promotions that bombed".

And yet another bad idea....
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Thrusters On!

Yet another artful re-mix, which combines pr0n movies with the iconic sci-fi classic, Star Trek After Dark goes boldly where no man has gone before.
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Game Time

Guess-the-google is a fun little game where you see the results of a Google image search, and have to guess what the search term was. Kinda' like Jeopardy for dumb-asses. I found it was either incredibly easy, or infuriatingly obscure, with no middle ground. But still, fun and addictive.
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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Bumper Sticker Wisdom

Since I'm too lazy to come up with anything, a few thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
  • Tags:
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    Odds & Ends

    What is my excuse for my latest round of blogging ambivalence? I can't really say, since there are so many reasons that I've been avoiding an update. Real life sometimes puts too much on the plate, leaving me little time and even less energy to put anything together. Tons of links and ideas rush past me, only to fall victim to my potential case of A.D.D. And now, spring has so gloriously sprung, and the great outdoors beacons. Luckily, the wifi doesn't quite reach the deck, so as I transition to my summer living mode, I expect I'll be in the "technology free zone" far more often. Although I've got nothing of substance to share, just enough time for a few quick takes:

  • I'm sure the classic rock station here thought it was cute to put up a billboard on the BQE that says "Highway To Hell". Unfortunately, every time I drive by it I hear a voice in my head that sounds like my GPS saying "you have reached your destination".
  • I've let my GPS addiction get out of hand. Coming home from a recent trip I lost the satellite signal a few miles away from home. Although I could easily find my way back, it inspired a major panic attack on my part. Then again, that could have been just my fear of owing another piece of fried electronics.
  • I hate spoilers. I didn't catch the latest episode of Heroes and was looking forward to watching it as soon as I got a chance, but last night I caught a commercial teasing an interview with the latest "dead hero". Thanks for ruining that one for me.
  • Knock on wood, but the knees have been kind to me recently and I'm off the treadmill and back on the streets. For the last few years, each spring finds yet another house on my running route falling prey to the "tear down" syndrome and replaced by a new McMansion. So is it a good thing that I haven't seen any of that this year, or just a sad reflection of a soft housing market?
  • I've got an upcoming trip to a conference at Disney World, which on the surface would seem like a good thing. But I just got the agenda, and noticed the ominous note that "during your three days, please expect to devote your full time and attention to our meetings". Great; happiest place on earth, my ass!
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    "Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bycicle repair kit."
    Billy Conolly
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    You Talkin' To Me?

    I just can't get enough of recut movie trailers and this version of Taxi Driver redone as a romantic comedy is yet another classic.
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    Friday, April 20, 2007

    Pic O' The Day

    From the "a picture is worth a thousand words" department comes this shot from today's NY Times. Thank goodness that Dubya still gives him his full support and “was pleased with his testimony.” But keep in mind that this is coming from the man who thinks that history will be kind to him. Un-f'ing believable.

    And a great piece from comedian Elayne Boosler on the folly of Dubya's policies on gun control : We Are Getting Tired of Prying Your Guns out of Your Cold Dead Hand.
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    A Mug Full Of Joy

    I've pointed out that I lean towards pessimism before, and I've argued that it has positive values. But if that didn't win you over, this Pessimist's Mug just might do the trick. From the folks that make those great demotivators posters, it offers a stylish reminder that the glass is really half full. No need for those foolish, overly optimistic upbeat messages here.
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    Doggy Style

    For the pampered pooch that has everything, why not get a Hotdoll? This sex doll for horny dogs allows Rover to hump away to his hearts' content. Too bad it looks way too much like the Cingular guy for my money. I'd prefer something more realistic myself, but I don't normally hump the leg of a guest, unless they're into that sort of thing.
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    "Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane."
    Philip K. Dick
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    My Bad

    BlueTooth Blues points out how easy it is to look like a doofus when a bluetooth device is involved. My gadget addiction has me tempted to get one, but my GPS unit includes a speakerphone option which works out well enough. Besides that, do I really want to look like either a homeless person talking to myself, or someone with a Borg implant? Probably not.
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    Wednesday, April 18, 2007

    Rock VS. Scisors, Et al.

    I've linked to other extreme RPS sites before. But this rather detailed graphic leaves no "rock" unturned, introducing some new, and possibly brain numbing possibilities.
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    Lather, Rinse, Repeat

    Recently, I haven't had much time or inclination to blog, as testified to by the absence of new posts. Sometimes work and real life demands just keep you occupied, and blogging suddenly feels like a frivolous waste of time. And then you can factor in a major case of "teflon for brains" on my part, where images, ideas, etc all just kept rushing past my head without anything "sticking" or feeling significant enough to comment on or even to do a cheap link post. This periodic lack of interest is something I've seen before, and usually the pendulum swings the other way, but so far not this time. I'll break my silence for a moment with a rambling rant.

    I'm reminded of something that happened last week. I was listening to my iPod, and I noticed that many of my playlists were randomly skipping songs, and refusing to play many of my favorite songs. Throwing caution to the winds, I did a total reset and at that point discovered that I had missed a firmware update that included a bug fix for the problem I was experiencing. Many times, I wish that there were a human equivalency of that "reset process" where "bug fixes" could be painlessly downloaded into the 'ol brain, just like an upgrade on the computer.

    But sometimes, life does give us subtle reset moments. How many times do we have a "there, but for the grace of God go I" experience that make us realize just how lucky we really are? How often do we get an opportunity to take a step back and see ourselves through unclouded and unfiltered lenses? Not often enough probably, and when that happens do we utilize it as a catalyst for permanent change? Sure, the rush of purified air into a stale, stagnant room can be exhilarating, but the feeling seldom lasts.

    I hope I'm wrong, but the horribly tragic massacre in Virginia will probably be a missed opportunity. After the shock wears off and we can gain some insight into what caused this deadly rampage, it's likely than the topic of gun control will once again be part of our national discourse. Will any meaningful action occur? Very doubtful, since most Democratic candidates will run away from this topic as fast as their little feet will carry them. Most are mindful of the negative impact this would have on their ability to appeal to red state voters, and nobody wants to be the next Al Gore and have this become the deciding factor in an election loss.

    So my idea of a "human software patch" remains an appealing and elusive goal, since it's a meaningless fantasy. How typically American of me to want to take the easy way to resolve difficulties. That's the kind of attitude that took us down the road to the problems we're facing now. But I knew I wasn't part of the solution, although it isn't so easy for me to accept that I'm part of the problem.
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    "More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
    Woody Allen
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    This Is Not The Clip You Are Looking For

    My Dog is a Jedi, a sequel to Darth Scooter proves that "The Force" (of special effects) is strong.
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    Friday, April 13, 2007

    So It Goes

    Ablogistan has a perceptive comment on the recent passing of Kurt Vonnegut, and the coverage the event received in comparison to Anna Nicole's death:
    All I know is that I would feel much more confident about the state of the world and humanity in general if Vonnegut's death received more than three times as much coverage as Anna Nicole's, and not the other way around.

    And a previously unpublished poem by Kurt Vonnegut, Worship,
    (VIA The New York Yimes):
    I don't know about you,
    but I practice a disorganized religion.
    I belong to an unholy disorder.
    We call ourselves,
    "Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment."
    You may have seen us praying
    for love
    on sidewalks outside the better
    eating establishments
    in all kinds of weather.
    Blow us a kiss
    upon arriving or departing,
    and we will climax
    It can be quite a scene,
    especially if it is raining
    cats and dogs
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    "Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."
    Kurt Vonnegut
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    A Bit Of Guy Love

    A video Ode To Zach Braff, the talented star of "Scrubs" and "Garden State", who is a product of the Garden State as well.

    I was kinda' late to the party and only recently became a fan of Scrubs, but thanks to syndication and the numerous rebroadcasts, I've been able to catch up on many of the old episodes. The show isn't an immediate "gotcha", but it soon wins you over with it's unique mix of quirky comedy and poignant, serious moments. One of these days I've got to add this to my Netflix que and catch up completly.
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    Tuesday, April 10, 2007

    Core Values

    A few of the Things Republicans Believe:

  • Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
  • Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
  • A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
  • Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
  • The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
  • Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
  • If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
  • A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
  • HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
  • Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
  • Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
  • A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
  • Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
  • The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
  • What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
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    Hybrid Music

    For some reason, I've been drawn in as a big fan of the music mashup genre, which takes two typically dissimilar songs and mixes them together in a new and compelling fashion. This combination of a classic Beatles song with a Nine Inch Nails tune resulting in Come Closer Together is a classic example of the product exceeding the sum of the parts. (NIN fans will of course recognize this as NSFW.)

    Mashup of the Week Podcast and Best of Bootie are two great places to get up to speed and download a few of these "new" classics. And since we're in a music mode, a few more great music blogs that will allow you to expand your horizons are sterogum, An Aquarium Drunkard and Another Form of Relief.
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    "Discontent is the first necessity of progress."
    Thomas Edison
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    Plenty Of Trunk Room

    Lucy the Elephant is a giant elephant shaped building, originally built to draw attention to a real estate venture. Although that ultimately failed, Lucy's fate was a bit better, although she's seen some rough times. It's not that far away from me, but I've never taken the trip to see it; now thanks to this great Weird N.J. clip, I don't have to run down there anytime soon.
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    Monday, April 09, 2007

    Preznut Stories

    A look into the future (VIA the humor archives)...
    One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

    The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here."
    The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

    The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush".

    The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer President and doesn't reside here."
    The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President George W. Bush."

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already several times that Mr. Bush is not the President anymore and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

    The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"
    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow"
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    Ye Ol' Support System

    Old School Tech Support shows how a medieval help desk dealt with the difficulties of rolling out new technologies, like "the book".
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    "A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject."
    Winston Churchill
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    How To Save A Wife

    Not that I want to provide a roadmap on How To Bang My Wife, but this rings far too funny to ignore. And how many songs can rhyme "Grey's Anatomy" with "sodomy" anyway?
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    Friday, April 06, 2007

    No Cents To This

    Abraham Lincoln delivering the Getty's bird a dress! from a recent Worth1000 Photoshop Contest is a great example of a visual pun. Made even cooler since Lincoln was fond of puns himself, although it's unclear how he might have felt about theatre jokes.

    One of my many weaknesses is that I'm a fan of puns, but it's probably better than doing crack. Although after reading this one from Tons of Puns you might disagree....
    A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

    The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

    After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

    Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

    But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

    By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

    By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

    The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
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    "Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity."
    Christopher Morley
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    Go, Baby, Go!

    Darned kids these days have the coolest toys, as this Ready-Set-Bumbo video demonstrates.
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    Wednesday, April 04, 2007

    Gone Fishin'

    Mark Fiore shows us what happens when "the decider" goes on a fishing trip: Be careful what you fish for! But with the creepy characters hanging out in the rose garden, who could blame him for wanting a change of venue?
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    "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as it nothing had happened."
    Winston Churchill
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    Word Play

    In the war of words, it seems that we too often make the easy choices like these movie patrons. Too bad that Dubya still clings to the practice of leading via rhetoric, no matter how ridiculous his claims. His dismissals of his critics as unpatriotic and giving terrorists the upper hand worked for far too long. He continues to deny reality, long after we've had our "Dorothy" moment, and finally realize we need to "ignore the man behind the curtain".

    Most rational politicians, facing a newly resurgent resistance (and we're talking about the legislative branch, not Iraq although that works too) might try a stance that reflects the changing political landscape. But this bozo continues with all the behaviors that failed before, refusing to accept any sort of midcourse correction. He continues to blather on that cutting off funding for Iraq is "unacceptable to me and I believe it is unacceptable to the American people" despite a pretty clear statement by voters in the last election to the contrary.
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    A Blessing In The Skies

    Sure, nobody "axe" me and it's really none of my "bidness", but since "mispronunciation" drives me insane I feel compelled to share this link to the 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English.

    And on an unrelated note, while perusing Phobiaguide a list of common and uncommon fears, I discovered the ironically named term "Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia", describing the fear of long words.

    A few more "wordy" links:

    All About Homonyms
    Black and White and Red All Over
    Index Of Rhetorical Terms
    Anagram Genius
    Mnemonics You Won't Soon Forget
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    Monday, April 02, 2007

    Casual Encounters

    It was bound to happen. Take one part "Craigslist" and add in some fantastic illustrations, and you get I Saw You: Missed Connection Comics' photos (VIA

    Seems like the perfect time for a "best of craigslist" recap as well:

    I spilled grandma on you around spadian station - w4m
    Let us frolic in my totally dope blanket fort
    Dear, guy masturbating in the bathroom stall at my work...
    The Perfect Craigslist Girl, Or So I Thought
    I don't want to meet you for coffee - w4m
    Casual Definitions Of Casual Sex
    From the Craigslist Archives: 100 Years Ago
    7 Habits of Highly Annoying People on CL m4w
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    Short Attention-Span Theatre

    Seven Minute Sopranos is a pretty funny and accurate NSFW recap of everything that has happened on The Sopranos so far. An excellent way to refresh your memory prior to the start of the new and final season. Another tribute: Sopranos, Springfield style, via The Simpsons.

    And for those who suffer from A.D.D. you'll be sure to enjoy these re-edited classic movies:

    All the Rocky Movies in 5 Seconds
    Silence of the Lambs in 5 Seconds
    Jurassic Park in 5 Seconds
    Ghostbusters in 5 Seconds
    And I'm particularly fond of Bugsy in 5 Seconds!
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    "If you suveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the 'Beverly Hillbillies'."
    Dave Barry
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    Weapons Of Mass Seductions

    You're just a phone call away from HOT one-on-one chats with one of the Lie Girls (VIA skippy the bush kangaroo & crooks & liars). They'll tell you anything you want to hear, perfect for entertaining delusional Republican fantasies.
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    When Worlds Collide

    Who knew that Yoda Loves Pr0n? But it's not like we haven't seen Star Wars Porn before. Completing THIS fantasy trilogy is an epic battle called Porn Wars; it goes without saying that it might be NSFW, no?
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