Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Perfect for the game geek who wants to go old school, the Space Invaders Necktie reminds us of the simplistic pleasures of playing the popularancestor of the modern video game. But while we are waxing nostalgic, a few more looks at some of the the old classics:
It's a trap proves, once again that other countries get a greater level of creativity and freedom in their commercials. Although I must admit that based upon the title, I was actually expecting something Admiral Ackbar related.
Despite O & A and their continual references to Tay Zonday's Chocolate Rain in an attempt to embed this rediciously annoying song into the brains of listeners, I've avoided the fate of having this become an earworm. But until recently, I was blissfully unaware that this had become yet another internet meme, inspiring numerousremixesandparodies. Never have I seen "doodie jokes" grow so old so quickly. And of course NOW the song is stuck in my head.
It's always good to look at things from a different perspective and weirdconverter offers up a unique way to do so. Converting the size of completely unrelated items to allow for easy and memorable comparisons. For example, if a Weinermobile is 324 inches, then the Panama Canal equals 9777.777777778 Weinermobiles. Or 1 Shaquille O'Neal equals 22.66666666667 flaccid penises, which makes sense, since if they measured it in terms of erect penises I'd be worried.
A SO NSFW video of Louis CK as he learns about the Catholic Church. Proving once again that nothing is off limits to him; just another way to warn you that you may find it offensive. A slightly safer bit might be his airline safety video, although flight attendants and women flying alone would disagree.
But if that doesn't explain enough, perhaps Understanding Men might put things in perspective:
"IT'S A GUY THING" Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I CAN'T FIND IT." Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
A recent NY Times article, Putting the Oh! in Ocean examines the "clothing optional" dinner cruses occurring in the New York harbor. I'll assume that cocktail weenies aren't on the buffet menu. And I'll remain hopeful that these are a different series of boats that we use when we do our party boat outings at work. I may remain standing for the next one, just to be on the safe side despite their claim of towel-lined chairs. And where exactly does one keep the money for the cash bar at these events? Although honestly, I really don't want to know the answer to that question. Notice how it's always the "ample" and "tomato-shaped" people who are comfortable being naked? Just one more example of the inherent unfairness of life.
Conventional wisdom tells us that websurfers seldom click through the links on blogs. It's also widely held that sarcasm is difficult to convey in written form, since it largely relies upon vocal inflection. So it really shouldn't surprise me that yesterday's post which ostensibly was about a new stalker enabling technology was without exception taken at face value. My bad, since I should have at least tagged the entry as "humor", but I was afraid that it would ruin the joke. Not the first time I've missed the mark, and I'm sure it won't be the last.
Track Your Partner (VIA LinkBitch) is a website sure to delight stalkers everywhere. Utilizing the latest in GSM & GPS technologies, this innovative system allows you to pinpoint the location of any mobile phone, within 100 feet from it's last triangulated location. Perfect for checking on where your wife, husband, or lover is really at!
Daniel Powter's Bad Day is one of those songs that makes me race to change the radio station whenever I hear it played. Remarkably, this video "misinterpretation" makes it far more palatable. I just wish I knew how the song wound up on my iPod; I can only hope I didn't pay $.99 for that one.
Although I've blogged about mondegreensbefore, I was blissfully ignorant that this whole video mash-up of misheard lyrics had evolved into yet another internet meme, even if it hasn't made it into the Ultimate Meme Database yet. A few more examples as found on YouTube:
I have a hard time imagining that anybody would actually use these, but at least this sampling of the Best (or worst) Pickup Lines (VIA Digg) may produce a chuckle. Although the Urban Dictionary appears to have correctly defined them as "Speech device primarily employed by two factions of mankind: the truly pathetic and amateur comedians. Origins have been disputed, but it is widely thought that pickup lines, once upon a magical time, could win p^$# if chanted with remarkable charisma and authenticity. Thanks to the combination of inevitability and human stupidity, pickup lines degraded into verses that invoke either uproarious laughter or further inalienation, but not the throes of sex." Don't say you haven't been warned.
Excuse me, but is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
Hey baby, let's play house, you can be the door and I'll slam you!
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? (No.) Well then, please start.
Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.
Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
I know I've linked to it before, but the 14 Points Of Fascism details the characteristics of this political ideology along with the supporting evidence that Bush utilized propaganda and fear to establish an American version. Just in case you aren't already convinced.
Movement on impeachment is just about doing what is right; something we as a nation "used to be" pretty good at. When you see leadership that routinely lies and circumvents both the letter and intention of the law, treating those laws as minor inconveniences while relentlessly perusing their neo-con agenda, impeachment becomes the only rational, responsible choice. Allowing this continued abuse of power to go unchallenged is NOT an acceptable option. The return of checks and balances to our government is long overdue. It matters not if the votes are there to make it stick, but unless it's pursued we will have set dangerous precedents (strangely ironic, considering our dangerous president) that we will long regret. Failure to do so means "democracy is broken", and not even in my darkest, most cynical moments am I willing to accept that.
I've never been a fan of Twitter, but I've always been a big fan of of conceptual artist Jenny Holzer. So I tend to agree with the folks at Boing Boing who point out her alleged Twitter stream with the caveat that she is "the only person who should be allowed to use Twitter." (VIA Boing Boing & Lemonodor)
Not wanting to be left out of all the hoopla over the pending release of the new Harry Potter book, here's a Harry Potter gone South Park clip that might satisfy your curiosity. But if you're interested in a more traditional spin, the Harry Potter Wiki may provide you with answers.
George W. Bush is the imperial president that James Madison and other founders of this great republic warned us about. He lied the nation into precisely the "foreign entanglements" that George Washington feared would destroy the experiment in representative government, and he has championed a spurious notion of security over individual liberty, thus eschewing the alarms of Thomas Jefferson as to the deprivation of the inalienable rights of free citizens. But most important, he has used the sledgehammer of war to obliterate the separation of powers that James Madison enshrined in the U.S. Constitution.
With the "war on terror," Bush has asserted the right of the president to wage war anywhere and for any length of time, at his whim, because the "terrorists" will always provide a convenient shadowy target. Just the "continual warfare" that Madison warned of in justifying the primary role of Congress in initiating and continuing to finance a war -- the very issue now at stake in Bush's battle with Congress...
Patton Oswalt gives us his thoughts on the KFC Famous bowls. Who the heck thinks that layering all this crap together is supposed to be appetizing? Pretty far removed from "finger lickin' good". Supposedly KFC is the most frequently requested death row last meal request, although these tubs of soggy mediocrity seemingly make that almost redundant.
It seems like I've hit a brick-wall in terms of motivation and inspiration for blogging. As a result, a little mini-rant about nothing in particular:
I'd like to know who started the new trend at work, where rather than actually put mail in the mailbox people started taping notes to the outside. Apparently they think that this technique will make me pay more attention, but the only problem with this is that just about everyone's box is covered by these inane notes, and you can't even see the mailboxes anymore. The visual clutter alone is enough to make me avoid the area. Besides, if it's really important I'll get it on e-mail or stumble upon it on our intra-net.
So David Vitter visits with prostitutes, and his marriage is "stronger every day"? Wow, all this time I've been going about things the wrong way.
Why do I refuse to turn off the TV even when it seems like there is a crapfest being broadcast? After my initial disappointed reaction to HBO's John From Cincinnati, I kept watching in the hope it would get better. That hasn't happened, but it did get weirdly interesting and somehow got me hooked. I still don't know what the f' is going on, but now I feel compelled to find out. I just hope that the entire town and cast of Deadwood doesn't wind up turning up before it's all said and done. And let's hope we can avoid an ending with a Soprano's style disappointment.
MacAweenie And Cheese gives a new twist to the term "comfort food". Although kids love mac & cheese, you might want to wait till they are a bit older till you these make it to the table. Well received if served for a bachelorette party, but probably not nearly as popular as the more traditional male stripper.
Now that all but his "base" recognizes that the emperor has no clothes, you can engineer your OWN regime change anytime you want, with these charming Dress George Bush Magnets. But view his claim "Now, I can dress myself!" with the same degree of skepticism that you reserve for his proclamations of success in Iraq.
Although they suggest that you break out the headphones for your visit to the Virtual Barber Shop, good stereo separation will probably give you a passable experience. In this case, tipping is optional.
As an alternative to #'ing your head against the wall when trying to maneuver through the frustrating maze of customer service phone menus, check out the gethuman 500 database. Offering shortcuts and workarounds to get directly to a live human being for many major companies, it's also a good resource if you need a customer service number. I only wish there were a way to avoid those automated voice response units that make you have a conversation with a machine that make me feel silly.
The bastardization of executive privilege continues today, as Harriet Miers becomes a no-show. Apparently subpoenas don't apply when you're the king. Gee, it's as if they had something to hide! These guys make Nixon seem like a rank amateur.
"All of us who are concerned for peace and triumph of reason and justice must be keenly aware how small an influence reason and honest good will exert upon events in the political field." Albert Einstein
Critical failures by former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani before, during and after the terrorist attack on September 11, 2001, raise serious questions about his ability to be commander-in-chief.
In this thirteen minute documentary, fire fighters, fire officers and family members give dramatic testimony about Giuliani's leadership failures. Their dramatic stories tell how Giuliani failed to provide the FDNY with radios that worked, which led to the deaths of 121 fire fighters inside the World Trade Center's North Tower because they were unable to hear orders to evacuate.
Fire fighters also point to Giuliani's poor judgment in placing his emergency command center at 7 World Trade Center, a known terrorist target after the 1993 bombing.
This video documents the mayor's lack of respect for the fallen when he called off the recovery effort at Ground Zero on Nov. 1, 2001, after $200 million in gold bullion was recovered.
"We produced this documentary because we need to make sure our members know Giuliani's real record," said IAFF General President Harold Schaitberger.
"The UFA participated in this video to correct the myth that Rudy Giuliani has perpetrated on the American public," said Steve Cassidy, president of the Uniformed Firefighters Association of Greater New York, IAFF Local 94.
The Giuliani campaign defended the former mayor's record by issuing a release that lists items he purchased for FDNY.
"But the campaign, with its response, has neglected to address the charges of failed leadership outlined in our documentary," President Schaitberger said.
"Purchasing equipment for a fire department doesn't qualify any mayor to be president," said Jack McDonnell, president of New York City Local 854, the Uniformed Fire Officers Association.
"If that's the litmus test for president of the United States, then most mayors in this country qualify for the job. Giuliani is running on his 9/11 record, and his 9/11 record is laced with failures in preparedness and response," McDonnell said.
I knew it wouldn't take long after the introduction of the popular iPhone till speculation and rumors concerning the "next generation" iPod would surface . And I'm not disappointed, since engadget has one source reporting that a wide screen, touch control, OS X based device (sound familiar?) will be hitting the streets in August. If this happens and they throw in a wifi browsing capacity, you'll see me camped out in front of the Apple store, for sure!
But for now, I'm headed out to stalk the local Kwik-E-Mart to see if they continue the tradition of giving away free slurpees on 7-11!
It seems like Hollywood has long ago run out of ideas, as the stream of numerous remakes and sequels demonstrates. The bastardization of my childhood memories continues with the Get Smart Movie set for release next summer. Hopefully, Steve Carell has the comedy chops to pull this off, and the trailer looks like it has potential. But as Medellin preview showed us, even a bad movie can have a good trailer.
I'm not quite as optimistic about the soon to be released Underdog, although cute dogs doing even semi-funny stuff may erase any shortcomings of the concept or the execution. The same goes for Alvin and the Chipmunks slated for release at Christmas. Great, yet another reason to hate the holidays. Although when I saw the poster, I though it was Pauly Shore staring as Dave which gave me fits. Not that hip-hop chipmunks fronted by Jason Lee is going to suck less.
Generally, I find viewing many of the retro and nostalgia sites on the web amusing and somehow reassuring. I'll have to make an exception for this creepy Jolly Green Giant Commercial which if I had seen it as a child might have left me with some serious nightmares. This was supposed to actually SELL product? I prefer the equally weird, but less scary classic version, with a man painted green, interacting with cartoon dwarfs.
Although the creep fest isn't limited to commercials for canned goods, since this early McDonalds's Commercial is also pretty pretty disturbing, featuring Willard Scott as Ronald. And yet another classic icon The Colonel appears and offers up some KFC with therapeutic qualities.
A few more "retro-links" to restore the warm and fuzzy to nostalgia:
Abe Lincoln once said “The time comes upon every public man when it is best for him to keep his lips closed.” I'm not sure if he would think that one of these Orange Flavored Lincoln Head Pops might be one of those times, or not. But as Honest Abe put it "For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like."
If these odd treats don't strike a sweet spot and leave you hungry for more, maybe a look at Abraham Lincoln, the poet may not be the "versed" idea.
Despite the increasing support for the impeachment process among grassroots Americans, a timid Democratic leadership still refuses to consider it as an option. With that in mind Impeach For Peace offers up video instructions on how to implement a "do it yourself" impeachment strategy. An end run may just be what is needed to get a dialog on this process started. And in the unlikely event that you need a refresher on why this is a good idea, also presented is some of the ample evidence of why this it is necessary...
Make sure you join the chorus of voices calling for a return to sanity and urging Congress to finally take action and hold these bozos accountable. John at Left In Aboite posted the following as a way to show your support:
1.- Copy and paste this message as a new post on your own blog.
2. - Replace one of the “Impeach NOW” tags in the matrix below with your anchor text (Blog name) of choice with your blog’s URL (Don't hesitate to e-mail me if you have questions about this!). Please keep anchor text to a max of 3 words to keep the matrix size manageable.
3. - Encourage and invite your readers to do the same and soon this can grow virally.
4.- The above steps will not only add your voice to the chorus for impeachment, but will also increase your Technorati stats as an added bonus.
We, the undersigned bloggers of America, agreeing that dissent is the truest form of patriotism, hereby publicly voice our unanimous discontent with the Bush administration and beseech the Congress of the United States of America to provide redress by immediately initiating impeachment proceedings against George W. Bush and Richard Cheney.
If the Live Earth concerts didn't provide you with enough "green" music, then this Kermit The Frog rendition of Once In A Lifetime may be a satisfying diversion. If I had to rate it, I'd have to say it's not quite as good as his cover of Hurt or Creep, but it definitely beats the pants off Lime In The Coconut!
A little while ago I was in a workshop about teambuilding. The facilitator started the day with a little "icebreaker" where she ask each of us to tell the group an unknown event from our past. I was prepared to share a story about something that happened with a co-worker long, long ago much along the lines of the story told in this Confessions of an office pervert. But before I had my turn to present, another person told the story about how he was kicked out of high school for having an affair with his teacher. Unable, and unwilling to top that, I fell back on a much more "G" rated story for the group.
But if you've got an urge to satisfy any voyeuristic tendencies, don't miss True Office Confessions chronicling the confessions of the odd things that happen in the 9 to 5 world. A few of some recent gems:
I fantasize about sex at work. I also fantasize about work when I'm having sex.
How come popcorn only smells good whenever I cook it in the microwave at work? I mean, it's just regular popcorn. It wasn't grown at the same farm where Jack got his beanstalk beans from.
If it gets any cooler in my office I am going to cut a hole in my window with my hard as a rock nipple and let some warmth in.
You bet your ass I'm listening to internet radio. Fuck your bandwidth.
People! Use spell check on your resumes! And please stop naming your children these weird names. They may qualify for a job with me, but I will not call them for an interview. Oh and if you email is sexykitten @blah blah blah or Imastud DO NOT post it on your resume. After you leave we all make fun of your email and your obvious lack of sexiness.
Every time I post a link to the latest variation on the LOLcat macro, I vow that this is the last time. But after viewing LOLMetal (VIA Neatorama) all bets are off. So I might as well throw in the Lindsay Lohan version of this meme, LOLhan (VIA Gawker) as well. I think I'm allowed that indulgence, since I've only posted ONE dramatic chipmunk link!
With the less that optimal weather that most of us experienced on the July 4th holiday, many picnics and outings were probably ruined. How far would a little Hot Grill on Grill Action T-Shirt go to make up for that?
Our dog takes great joy in dragging us out to the front sidewalk so she can relieve herself on the mowing strip near the curb and checking out what other dogs have done the same. My wife describes the process as "checking her pee-mail" which seems to describe it pretty accurately. But it looks like others have noticed the same phenomenon, and in his blog Hank The Dog points out the difference between e-mail & pee-mail:
They're both better when they come in trickles. If you're getting too much of either from somebody, it's likely they're just showing off and trying to pretend they own the whole neighborhood.
You can pick up viruses from both, but dogs aren't beastly enough to send you viruses on purpose, unlike some species we might name.
In measured amounts, pee-mail is actually good for the environment and can be used as a fertilizer. E-mail, of course, you just have to throw away. Oddly enough, some companies seem to want to keep your old e-mail and root around in it. In my neighborhood, we call them DDDs, for dumpster-diving dogs.
You end up getting the same pee-mails over and over again, just like e-mails. (It's good to stay in touch!)
Pee-mailing is healthier. You get more exercise and never fill up on spam.
You need less equipment with pee-mail, but the equipment that you need is more important.
A lot of e-mail stinks but doesn't smell. Most pee-mail, in my experience, smells but doesn't stink. But I'm not counting cat pee-mail, which is another matter altogether!
You ever notice how humans seem to wind up doing almost everything via machines? I'm just glad those robot dogs haven't really caught on. I shudder to think what kind of pee-mail we'd get from them.
OK, so maybe the potter ISN'T better than his clay, but this handy link allows you to easily use unicode to Flip text so that you have to stand on your head to read it. I'm sure this will come in handy... sometime.
In an attempt to celebrate the July 4th holiday in a way that goes beyond burgers and beer, the folks over at The Peacetrain decided to host a "Blogswarm for Peace" and reflect upon some of the pressing issues facing us as a nation at this crucial moment in history.
One of the big questions they ask is "What do we need to do individually and collectively to restore our democracy and American values?" The best place to start would be at the top, since to continue down the self-destructive path we've been going down would be lunacy. Just in case we needed a reminder of how contemptuous this administration is of facts, laws, and anything that doesn't benefit their corrupt ends, Dubya finally removes all pretense of fairness or objectivity and suspends Scooters' jail time. This indefensible act shouldn't be a surprise, since these weasels continually say one thing and do another. To claim he "respected the jury's verdict" yet demonstrating that he didn't is just one more in a long string of leadership via misdirection combined with lies.
Is it too much to hope for that this is the issue that finally makes people pay attention and gets their dander up? Might this be sufficient to finally put impeachment back on the table? Bush is counting on the current outrage to blow over and be just another annoying speed bump as he continues to steamroll over our freedom. But this abuse of power and trust needs to end, and we need to make him accountable for his conduct. Call your representatives in Congress, and Nancy Pelosi (at 202-225-0100) to let them know that we need to stop this administration and their criminal acts, and restore democracy to this great land.
Keith Olbermann hit the nail squarely on the head again in a powerful Special Comment last night. An exurp from Bush, Cheney should resign...
Our generation’s willingness to state “we didn’t vote for him, but he’s our president, and we hope he does a good job,” was tested in the crucible of history, and earlier than most.
And in circumstances more tragic and threatening. And we did that with which history tasked us.
We enveloped our President in 2001.And those who did not believe he should have been elected—indeed those who did not believe he had been elected—willingly lowered their voices and assented to the sacred oath of non-partisanship.
And George W. Bush took our assent, and re-configured it, and honed it, and shaped it to a razor-sharp point and stabbed this nation in the back with it.
Were there any remaining lingering doubt otherwise, or any remaining lingering hope, it ended yesterday when Mr. Bush commuted the prison sentence of one of his own staffers.
Did so even before the appeals process was complete; did so without as much as a courtesy consultation with the Department of Justice; did so despite what James Madison—at the Constitutional Convention—said about impeaching any president who pardoned or sheltered those who had committed crimes “advised by” that president; did so without the slightest concern that even the most detached of citizens must look at the chain of events and wonder: To what degree was Mr. Libby told: break the law however you wish—the President will keep you out of prison?
In that moment, Mr. Bush, you broke that fundamental com-pact between yourself and the majority of this nation’s citizens—the ones who did not cast votes for you. In that moment, Mr. Bush, you ceased to be the President of the United States. In that moment, Mr. Bush, you became merely the President of a rabid and irresponsible corner of the Republican Party. And this is too important a time, Sir, to have a commander-in-chief who puts party over nation...
Would that you could say that, Mr. Bush. And that you could say it for Mr. Cheney. You both crossed the Rubicon yesterday. Which one of you chose the route, no longer matters. Which is the ventriloquist, and which the dummy, is irrelevant. But that you have twisted the machinery of government into nothing more than a tawdry machine of politics, is the only fact that remains relevant.
It is nearly July 4th, Mr. Bush, the commemoration of the moment we Americans decided that rather than live under a King who made up the laws, or erased them, or ignored them—or commuted the sentences of those rightly convicted under them—we would force our independence, and regain our sacred freedoms.
We of this time—and our leaders in Congress, of both parties—must now live up to those standards which echo through our history: Pressure, negotiate, impeach—get you, Mr. Bush, and Mr. Cheney, two men who are now perilous to our Democracy, away from its helm.
For you, Mr. Bush, and for Mr. Cheney, there is a lesser task. You need merely achieve a very low threshold indeed. Display just that iota of patriotism which Richard Nixon showed, on August 9th, 1974.
With the occasional exception of a ranting political diatribe, I seldom delve into the more serious stuff here. In part, it's because there are some folks IRL who sometimes check the 'ol blog, so I just keep the unfiltered, candid stuff as mumbled observations around the office. But let's not minimize my innate laziness as well as my inability to be emotionally open, honest and express myself clearly as factors contributing to my self-sensorship. My last post was one of those exceptions, and even then I wasn't ready for the candor it deserved, and it wound up as just cryptic venting. After seeing a loved ones' family member pass away, it's hardly the time for blogging. Having cared for my wife's mother in our home for the last three months, we were mentally prepared for her passing (or so we thought) but when she took a turn for the worst and left us quicker than expected, we found out that you're never ready for it emotionally. Still, after several days to wrap ourselves around things, it feels so very odd that she's not down the hall anymore.
I won't trivialize the event by eulogizing her here, since that isn't something she would have been comfortable with, nor could I do it justice. Suffice it to say that a life well lived is its' own reward, even if the path runs shorter than we had hoped for. Those of us whose lives she touched will remember the good times, and the lessons she taught us.
Although the funeral arrangements had largely been predetermined, there were of course last minute details to be ironed out. Once these were done, my wife went about the task of calling friends of her mother who had expressed interest in attending. Many of these were friends from a Chinese social club that she had belonged to for some time. Little did we know that our education in Chinese funeral traditions had yet to begin. When we offered to drop off directions for one of the "aunties" from the club, she recoiled in horror, since we had momentarily forgotten the traditional prohibition that members of the family of the deceased can't visit your house for the next 30 days, lest you bring bad spirits and bad luck with you.
There are enough traditions and superstitions involved that your head would explode if you tried to follow all of them. Many of them reflect Buddhist traditions, and since she was raised as a Catholic, would not have been part of our arrangements. But one that the "aunties" suggested seemed reasonable, and contained some interesting symbolism, so we wound up including it. Everyone attending was given a package called Bak Gum, which translates as "white gold" and symbolizes a gift from the deceased. It consists of a piece of candy along with a wrapped coin. The candy is to be eaten afterwards to sweeten the memory of the event. The coin is to be spent on something that brings happiness to offset the solemn occasion. If you're gonna be selective about traditions, this seemed like a darned good one to include, honoring both the deceased and ancestral values.