John's Blog

From: Maybelline Kane
Subject: What time is it?

Hey, you, I'm blond, gorgeous, and I just turned 18! I set up a webcam in my bedroom so people could watch me 24/7! However, the more I thought about it, the more the whole thing seemed kind of creepy and demeaning. So I scrapped that idea.

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From: Confidence D. Riblet
Subject: engorge

Love life letting you down?

Can't SATISFY your woman?

Perhaps the two of you should sit down and discuss the issue. By opening the lines of communication, your relationship (and, not incidentally, your love life) will improve tremendously.

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From: Brent Ranch
Subject: final warning

Earn a *genuine* college degree based on taking classes!

Read books, write papers, take tests. It's hard work (except for Intro to Geology with Miller—that's a total blow-off), but you'll end up smarter and more well-rounded. Plus, you'll never again have so many opportunities to score.

The grand jury has now concluded that at least one of the president's men committed crimes. We are heartened that our system of justice is working and appreciative of the work done by our fellow citizens who devoted two years of their lives to grand jury duty.

The attacks on Valerie and me were upsetting, disruptive and vicious. They amounted to character assassination. Senior administration officials used the power of the White House to make our lives hell for the last 27 months.

But more important, they did it as part of a clear effort to cover up the lies and disinformation used to justify the invasion of Iraq. That is the ultimate crime.

The war in Iraq has claimed more than 17,000 dead and wounded American soldiers, many times more Iraqi casualties and close to $200 billion.

It has left our international reputation in tatters and our military broken. It has weakened the United States, increased hatred of us and made terrorist attacks against our interests more likely in the future.

It has been, as Gen. William Odom suggested, the greatest strategic blunder in the history of our country.

We anticipate no mea culpa from the president for what his senior aides have done to us. But he owes the nation both an explanation and an apology.

Twas the night before Fitzmas, and in the White House
Every one was scared shitless, and Bush was quite soused
The indictments were hanging like Damoceles' sword
As verminous oxen prepared to be gored

The perps were all sleepless, curled fetal in bed
While visions of prison cells loomed in each head
And Dick in his jammies, and George in his lap
Were sweating and swearing and looking like crap

When out on the web there arose such a clatter
The blogs and the forums were buzzing with chatter
Away to the PC Rove ran like a flash
He booted his browser and cleared out his cache

The rumors that flew through the cold autumn air
Made Dubya shiver with angry despair
When what to his horror-filled eyes did he spy?
A bespectacled man with a brown suit and tie!

With an impartial manner that gave Bush the shits
He knew in a moment it must be St. Fitz!
With unwavering voice, his indictments they came
He cleared out his throat and he called them by name:

Now Scooter, Now Libby,
Now Blossoming Turd,
Now Cheney, dear Cheney,
Yes, you are the third
To the bench of the court
Up the steps, down the hall
Now come along, come along,
Come along, all!

He then became silent, and went right to work
He filed the indictments and turned with a jerk
And pointing his finger at justice's scale
Said, "The people be served, and let fairness prevail."

He then left the room, to his team gave a nod
And the sound could be heard of a crumbling facade
And we all did exclaim, as he faded from sight
"Merry Fitzmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Patrick Fitzgerald could be looking at Vice President Cheney as one of the conspirators in the Plame leak investigation. Word has it that Fitzgerald interviewed several of Cheney's advisors outside of Scooter Libby, including Catherine Martin and Jennifer Millerwise about how Cheney might have been involved.

So let's game it out.

Cheney is indicted on, say, conspiracy charges. He resigns to collect his Halliburton stock options which are now worth millions.

President Bush, in his usual nearsighted process for filling vacancies -- and without the help of Karl Rove -- chooses his dog Miss Beazley to be the new vice president. Bush likes his dogs Barney and Miss Beazley so much that last year he employed Andrew Card, Karl Rove, and Alberto Gonzales to participate in this wacky White House Christmas video in which Barney is instructed by top White House aides including the president about how to care for Miss Beazley.

In 2006 the Democrats reclaim Congress (that is if Diebold, Triad, and ES&S are neutralized), they choose to impeach the president on a wide array of charges. Bush resigns or is convicted on those charges and leaves office.

The result? President Miss Beazley.

As outlandish as it sounds, given the track record of the non-reality-based White House, it's not all that far fetched (pun not intended).

No one in the mainstream media seems to be working on this, but the big story -- the one that could dramatically change the course of the next three years -- is right under their collective noses.

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush don't like each other anymore.

And a war between these two superpowers could be the political version of MAD: Mutually assured destruction. But this time, the fallout could make America better in the long-run.

Or not....

Some 60 years ago Arnold Toynbee concluded, in his monumental "Study of History," that the ultimate cause of imperial collapse was "suicidal statecraft." Sadly for George W. Bush's place in history and — much more important — ominously for America's future, that adroit phrase increasingly seems applicable to the policies pursued by the United States since the cataclysm of 9/11.

Though there have been some hints that the Bush administration may be beginning to reassess the goals, so far defined largely by slogans, of its unsuccessful military intervention in Iraq, President Bush's speech Thursday was a throwback to the demagogic formulations he employed during the 2004 presidential campaign to justify a war that he himself started...

Now, however, more than a reformulation of U.S. goals in Iraq is needed. The persistent reluctance of the administration to confront the political background of the terrorist menace has reinforced sympathy among Muslims for the terrorists. It is a self-delusion for Americans to be told that the terrorists are motivated mainly by an abstract "hatred of freedom" and that their acts are a reflection of a profound cultural hostility. If that were so, Stockholm or Rio de Janeiro would be as much at risk as New York City...

Compounding such political dilemmas is the degradation of America's moral standing in the world. The country that has for decades stood tall in opposition to political repression, torture and other violations of human rights has been exposed as sanctioning practices that hardly qualify as respect for human dignity...

Citing the need for a "nationwide outpouring of love," the American Adult Entertainment Foundation announced Monday that it will donate $100,000 worth of charity sex to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. "We have truckloads of willing, wild, and wet porn-industry professionals heading to refugee centers right now to take it in every hole from Katrina survivors," said AAEF spokeslut Vivica Vixxxen. "We're ready for a no-holes-barred orgy of disaster-relief action." Vixxxen added: "Of course, we'll wait until the victims are rehydrated and rested up enough to manage it."

Pissed off by the insanity of the Bush administration and in annoyance over the second term of Dubya, people around the world have chosen a new way of picking on the US-President and his immediate environment: The "Dumbush", a wild form of dancing and acting like George W. Bush and related individuals.

"Dumbushing" can be done to any kind of music (as long as it is loud and wild) and anywhere. It is the expression and behavior that counts, imitating in disgust that dim-witted marionette of an industrial mafia and some characters around him.

The "Dumbush" has meanwhile become a more collective term for an ever increasing number of dance-variations. Whilst most of the dancers will begin with the "Monkey", acting and moving like one and uttering some of the many words the illiterate President of the United States is having difficulties to pronounce, the more experienced will try the "Mad Cow" parody...