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John's Blog

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Delusional Thinking

Un f'ing believable. The neo-con cabal thinks that a few years of palate cleansing will have us ready to accept Bush III???!! Clearly the kind of contemptuous thinking that we've come to expect from this group.

Although many did forget the sins of the father, the sins of the son are far greater and far more sinister. The father was merely a little incompetent, and while the son also brings this to the table, he's able to add in the legacy of his trumped-up war and out of control spending, combined with tax cuts for the rich. These results are likely to linger in the public consciousness for many, many years. I think he's set a new bench mark for "worst President EVER" that won't be easily forgotten, and hopefully will preclude a third act. On the other hand, Dubya DID get re-elected, so maybe I'm giving the American people too much credit.

However, it's good to see that the US hasn't cornered the market on wacky shenanigans by government officials. I see now that the Indian government will be giving yens of thousands of people living below poverty level a free color TV set, to fulfill a campaign promise! At least they are following through on their promises, but God forbid they would try to tackle tough issues like trying to actually improve their standard of living.
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Surreal

Sometimes amusing, sometimes amazingly stupid, always random, the The Random Surrealism Generator allows you to embed these gems of wisdom into your webpage if you so desire:


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Quote-A-'Da-Day:

"Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance. Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.

Know yourself; if you need help, call the F.B.I. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you; that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls will scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth; birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sand of time get into your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be -- hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.

Give up."

Tony Hendra
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10 Simple Pleasures

Since I've got 'nuttin today, seems like the perfect time to pick up on Nicole's meme listing ten simple pleasures:

1) Music; one good song has the ability to change a mood or to take you to some far off place. Doesn't get any better than that.
2) Doggie Welcoming Committee; doesn't matter if I've been gone two hours or two days...the unbridled enthusiastic greeting from the loyal canine companion washes away a world of woes.
3) New Car Smell; this probably worked into the top ten since I spent the weekend driving a rental that had that seductive smell. Go ahead, call me shallow.
4) Spring; the season of renewal. Watching the green emerge after the winter weather is behind us ranks as one of my favorites. I actually remember, in the pre-global warming days when we actually HAD spring-like weather and not these abrupt jumps into hot and humid summer weather.
5) Clean sheets; sorta like #3 & #4 combined.
6) Having a day off and "doing nothing" is an option.
7) Orange juice; sunshine in a bottle. There's one one other thing that I'd like better first thing in the morning, but we're not going to go there.
8) Laughter; there's no mood altering drug that's more powerful...not that I know anything about mood altering drugs, or anything.
9) Chocolate; OK I guess I do know something about THIS mood altering drug.
10) Sunsets; the kind where the sky is filled with a kaleidoscope of colors and textures. A nice way to end a day, and a nice way to end the list.
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Monday, May 29, 2006

Fly Harder: Dull Assed Blogging

I just flew in...and boy are my arms tired...sorry, I couldn't resist. A busy and interesting trip even if much of my time was spent trouble-shooting issues on systems that I really wasn't experienced with. But sometimes it's not knowing the answers as much as knowing how to ask the questions that gets you through. That sounds like nonsense and it probably is, but I'm tired and cranky.

My paranoia about getting stuck in holiday traffic and getting lost one more time caused me to leave for the airport way too early. Not encountering any of the anticipated problems got me there too soon, but not early enough to make stand-by on an earlier flight. I thought I'd be able to tap into a wireless connection and surf the net, I've begun to take this for granted, since you find it almost everywhere these days. Everywhere except Dulles, apparently.

For many people, Dulles airport is best remembered as where Bruce Willis fought off terrorists in the Die Hard sequel. But as the first airport that was designed with jets in mind (in fact, they were thinking that it would eventually be a space-port) it has some unique design features that I've never seen before. Like these people movers called mobile lounges which can take 102 people from the terminal to the plane which can be located anywhere, which eliminated long walks through the terminal concourse. These babies look like you mated a white school bus, with a military assault vehicle and put two smoke stacks on top. Bizarre looking but they have character. But they never really caught on, and Dulles is adopting the more prevalent accordion hallways and "people mover" walkways...that talk...and really, really get on my nerves.

And one more thing to complain about; what were some people thinking when they came up with some of these airline names? I see the planes for AirTran and I just have to assume that it's like Lucky Changs with wings. SAS surely must be a jaunty little airline. And when Northwest Air decided to shorten the name to a more logo-friendly NWA how could they not think that people would think of the hip hop group? "Thank you for flying N.W.A...the world's most dangerous airline." Actually if they rapped the safety speech that nobody listens to THAT might be a big improvement.

And as I was wandering the concourse killing time, I ran into a store that left me shaking my head: "The Fox News Store". I was expecting all the merchandise to be on the right hand side of the store, but it wasn't. I couldn't bring myself to go in, but what I did see were neck roll pillows in the front of the store; probably to help air travelers, but perhaps it's because people who listen to Fox News are a pain in the neck? Just a thought. And strangly absent from their merchandise assortment: Loofahs!
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Quote-A-'Da-Day:

"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."
Dave Barry
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Future Wave

Open-Source Politics
Jonathan Alter tells us about a remark made by Bob Schieffer, pointing out that successful presidents have been able to tap into and exploit the dominant media of their day. Much like JFK was the first to understand and use TV effectively, we have the possibility that 2008 will bring us the first internet president. Let's keep our fingers crossed, since the cowboy presidencies never worked out all that well.
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Greatest Prank Ever

The Great Rose Bowl Prank of 1961 (VIA Damn Interesting)
A look back at the day some enterprising CalTech students hijacked and re-engineered the half time show.
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Saturday, May 27, 2006

On The Road Again

Most people get to kick back on a long holiday weekend and have fun. Not all of us,apparently. This weekend marks yet another work related "road trip" to help facilitate another "borg like" systems conversion. The novelty of travel is rapidly wearing off.

I recently saw this travel sized Bill of Rights which would allow you to toss this small metallic version into the plastic bin, forcing the hand of the government inspectors to decide if you can keep this while you travel. Great, just what I need to do: piss off the TSA employees. I'll pass on this one.

So far the travel component of the trip has been frustrating, at best. Minor stuff, but the cumulative effect of all these little things starts to get me crazy. Let the bitch-fest begin:
  • Thanks to the travel service department for leaving the little detail of which terminal my flight was leaving from off my agenda. I went to what I assumed was my departure point, only to find out that I made a bad assumption. No biggie, since I just jumped on the monorail and got to where I was going, but probably a bad omen for the rest of the trip.
  • While I was on the air-train the recorded announcements really got under my skin. "The train is stopping...the doors are opening...the doors are closing." OK, ENOUGH...I GET IT! And to make matters worse, the voice sounds like Bret Spiner doing a Mr. Data voice. I see that it's not but I'm about one more elevator/peoplemover/doorway voice away from losing it.
  • I should know better than to rely upon Mapquest to be my prime navigational tool. They get much right, but you're always left guessing which is the right information, and which is totally bogus. I had a false sense of security, since I knew the area from living not too far away, and from dating a girl who lived near here. I couldn't have been more wrong...or lost. I DID get to see much of the picturesque Virginia countryside that I've never seen. Next time, I'll upgrade to a car with GPS.
  • Ironically as I was standing in the rental car line, I started to chat with the guy in front of me in line, and he works for the same company but was traveling to a different destination. As I was fumbling with seat adjustments and controls in the parking lot, he pulled up and jumped out of the car with HIS Mapquest printout in his hand, and a look of terror on his face and ask ME for directions. I hope the poor bastard made out better than me.
  • Thanks again to the travel department for making sure that the room was pre-paid...NOT! A quick call to the after-hours hot line resolved nothing. Not that it's gonna kill me to expense it out, but just one more frustration. I'm sure there will be more fun to follow in the next two days, so I'll just have to get over it.
  • And why, oh why after calling the hotel and telling them that I was totally lost, and having them give me directions that kept me lost even longer did I turn around and ask the same person for directions when I left the hotel? Needless to say, they were of the same fine quality, and got me lost once more.

  • Can't wait to see what fun is ahead...
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    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."
    Woody Allen
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    Logo Déjà Vu

    Not that I'm TV obsessed, but when I saw the new logo for the bastard child of UPN and The WB, I felt this strange sense of having seen something similar before. But I just couldn't put my finger on it. Until I stumbled upon this old logo from the Burlington Northern Railroad. Maybe it's me, but I can imagine this on the side of a railroad car easier than on a TV screen.

    And speaking of bad logos: What Makes a Great Logo (VIA Digg)
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    Strange Journey


    Maybe I'm just homesick, but this is a great little film about the mall that time forgot and all it's quirky characters: Bergen Mall documentary (VIA Malls of America)
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    Good Grief!


    Wow, who knew that Lucy Van Pelt had gotten so political?
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    Thursday, May 25, 2006

    Won't Get Fooled Again

    Ever get the feeling that some people just don't get it? First, there's the news that Tom Delay thinks that the "act" that Steven Colbert does is the real deal. He posted a clip from The Colbert Report on the Support Tom Delay website where Steven "interviews" Robert Greenwalt, director of the movie WAL-MART: The High Cost Of Low Price. Tom apparently is that desperate for anything resembling support that he misses the parody in the Colbert approach.

    But then, to add insult to injury I see that right wingers listen to rock & roll and hear conservative anthems. A recent National Review article listed the "top 50 conservative rock songs of all time." Ignoring the fact that most of these songs were born from a liberal point of view, the article points out how these songs reflect conservative ideals and traditional values. Since the lyrics of "Won't Get Fooled Again" end in "Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss" they take this cynical skepticism about revolution as a reflection of conservative idealism. I'm not sure how Pete would feel about that.

    Bottom line is that you can spin things any old way you want to if you are so inclined, regardless of facts to the contrary. Dubya and his minions have provided ample evidence of that. But sometimes you have to sweeten the pot, as the recent payments to Iraqi journalists to tell the "good news" about Iraq reminds us. Hard to believe that they missed all the positive stories on their own.
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    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "We tried not to age, but time had its rage."
    Pete Townshend
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    Da' Sopranos



    Although it seems like many people are bashing this seasons' Sopranos episodes, I still find the series captivating and entertaining. A bad episode of this show is better than a good episode of some of the other crap that's on the boob tube. But what could improve The Sopranos? How 'bouts an episode done up in the Benny Hill style?

    And since there isn't another new episode until next weeks' final episode of the season, here are a few You Tube clips that also put a new spin on things:
    Sopranos Parody
    Brokeback Sopranos
    Family Feud Sopranos
    WALNUTS!
    PacMan Sopranos
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    Unsafe At Any Speed

    Death In A Can
    Just in case you don't have enough to bring you down today, here's a link that reminds us of the downside of soda. Over consumption of ANYTHING is never good, but this article reminds us of the dangers of osteoporosis, diabetes, and cancer. Have a nice day!
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    Wednesday, May 24, 2006

    Point Of Sale

    Things You Wouldn't Normally Expect To Find In Vending Machines (VIA Infinite Loop)

    While I await the arrival of the iPod vending machines at work, a look at some of the quirky items available in Japanese vending machines. Pretty much anything you could imagine including soda, rice, eggs, burgers, lobsters, beer, condoms, and used panties! Also includes a gallery of unique retail establishments as well.
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    A Little TV

    I've been skeptical of much of the video content that's being made for for phones and mobile devices. New content such as mini episodes of popular TV shows such as Lost, 24, and Prison Break for example seem to be offered with increasing frequency. My problem with this is that most of them promise to be either striped down TV episodes, or new material lacking the creativity or cast of the original version. But since the trend seems to be a moneymaker, it doesn't look like it will be going away anytime soon.

    If they retain the high standards that the original versions are known for, then fans will and should pay for these mobisodes. When there is real value offered, why not? I would have paid for this mini-episode of Rescue Me, for example. But lucky for me, it's a web-only offering that shows the "bravery" of the guys at the firehouse. All part of the build-up to the start of next week's new season, but even so it's worth a look! Normally I'd dismiss this as hype, but since Rescue Me is in my top 5 of favorite shows, I'll let them slide on this. One of these days I'll get the season one DVD, since I missed the first few episodes and haven't caught them in repeats.
    || JM, 9:36 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
    Jerry Seinfeld
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    More TV Rambling

    This week's wacking of Vito on The Sopranos wasn't something that surprised anybody, except maybe Vito. But having Phil come out of the closet might have been a bit too ironic...and obvoious. I know I'd never order or wear it, but I love these How You Doin' Johnny Cakes? t-shirts! As much as this move was expected, the wacking of Dom was not. I got all excited that he was coming to my town to visit his daughter, but he never quite made it.

    And I finally broke down and watched House for the first time last night, after getting tired of hearing everyone tell me just how good this show is supposed to be. They are probably right, but watching this season finale that was largely a dream sequence probably wasn't the best episode to start with. But I am intrigued enough to start watching the repeats. Damn it. This is just what I've tried to avoid, getting involved with yet another TV show. Luckily, there are plenty of candidates to kick to the curb.
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    Fake?

    A Tokyo hi-tech company has begun to develop new technology to detect counterfeit bills that have been coming out of North Korea. I'll go out on a limb and say that this one's a fake. But you shoulda' seen the big-assed wallet that it came out of!
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    Tuesday, May 23, 2006

    Poetic Moments

    As I was going through my junk e-mail folder and deleting the spam, I noticed that many of the topics seemed a bit more creative than the topics I've been accustomed to seeing. In fact, when viewed together actually seemed to create a bad form of haiku:

    Excellent Russian pretty Lady
    Killing hussies in pono
    Do you want a prosperous future?
    Don't be left behing- the enlargement revolution!

    In a covered without warning
    The face of jargon grew sullen
    Black angry mouths, the clouds
    Swallowed up the affliction


    Looking for some better examples of this actually surprised me, when Google pointed me to examples of Spam Haiku, relating to the meat, and not the e-mail type:

    Silent, former pig
    one communal awareness
    myriad pink bricks
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    A STFU Moment

    Sometimes, you just need the silence and you have to just tell someone to STFU. Occasionally, you have to take matters into your own hands. But sometimes, you just make a bad choice.
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    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
    George Carlin
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    Slice Of Life

    Lodger TV: I Love
    A cool animated look at the journey we call life; sometimes visiting the dark side.
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    Dog Walk Time

    Doggie Bag (VIA Gizmodo)
    The folks at Gizmodo seem to have accurately channeled the thoughts of this poor pooch:
    Hurray! My master's putting on his coat, getting ready to take me outside! Wait, what's this? What are you putting on me? Oh god, I can't breathe. Why am I being lifted off the ground!? You bastard! I will eat your child.
    || JM, 7:37 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, May 22, 2006

    Let's Chat

    Interview With An Honest Boss
    A refreshingly honest discussion of what overtime, open door policy, promotions, and sick days "really" means!
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    Official Nonsense

    It's not bad enough that Congress wastes time with nonsense issues such as making English the official language, and trying to ban gay marriage. But I see that our New Jersey legislators have to get in on the fun, since they've already solved all the tough and important problems. Recently, this fine group found the time to designate an official state dirt! But it's not like NJ is alone in the march to irrelevance, since 20 other states have also deemed it necessary to make this official designation as well. I'm sure this was an attempt to acknowledge the importance of agriculture to the state, which ranks right up there with pharmaceuticals and organized crime as big components of the state economy. What's next, "johnny cakes" as the official state breakfast food?
    || JM, 10:23 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "More tears are shed for answered prayers than for unanswered ones."
    Truman Capote
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    Bad Stuff

    I've been trying to wean myself from this bad habit we call blogging with varying degrees of success. But despite days where I've got nothing of substance, I still find myself compelled to post something, no matter how silly or overexposed it might be. As I've speculated before, I fear this might be some low level form of OCD. My need to post in clusters of five is quite disturbing; occasionally I live dangerously and break the mold but that is a rare occurrence.

    But the more I think about blogging it seems like it might be best described as a form of "mental masturbation". Except, that you are doing it clear view of others. I'm sure there are plenty of ugly ways I could develop this analogy, but before I embarrass myself or others, let's change the subject ('sorta) and check out 31 Very Bad Masturbation Ideas.
    || JM, 10:21 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Another One Bites The Dust

    I'm guessing that you could probably come up with about 33 reasons why the recently announced Anheuser-Busch purchase of Rolling Rock is NOT good news. Despite their announced intention to revitalize the brand, they will be simply buying the name, and actually brewing it somewhere else, thus removing the charm and panache that it has always had. I can't even begin to imagine what they will do to the classic bottle and slogan: "Rolling Rock From the glass lined tanks souless brewery of Old Latrobe Newark, St. Louis, etc, we tender this premium beer bland swill for your enjoyment as a tribute insult to your good taste. It comes from the mountain springs municipal water supply to you."

    But before the charm is gone, you might want to read Demetri Martin's "All of the Words on a Bottle of Rolling Rock Beer in a Different Order" one more time.
    || JM, 10:19 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, May 19, 2006

    What Happened Here Was A Miracle


    10 Things I Hate About Commandments (VIA MetaFilter)
    A comedy 3,000 years in the making...The newest film trailer mash-up starring Charlton Heston, Yul Brenner, Sinead O'Connor and Samuel L. Jackson as Principal Firebush.
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    Running Scared

    Normally, the time I spend running is time that I cherish for reflection, solitude and catharsis. But ever since the weather turned nicer and I got off the treadmill and on the streets my knee hasn't been the most cooperative, so I've had to scale back and do shorter and less frequent runs. On todays' run my perceptions, experiences, and reactions all seemed "fear" based. A few of those:
  • I keep wondering if this is the run where the knee blows out completely. So far, I've been lucky and that hasn't happened.
  • A new "For Sale" sign appeared on a ranch house a few streets over. In my neighborhood, that's pretty much like putting a sign up saying "Endangered Species". 90% of the time these places are knocked down and you get a million dollar McMansion. That's never good.
  • There are things that you come across that might intrude into the zenlike zone I get into on my run. A loose dog is one example; since once I was chased by a large German Shepherd on a run in a rural area in PA. (I've since learned that you don't run past a dog).
  • Another zone-buster are people who feel the need to talk to me as I run. I'm there to run, not to make small talk. Unless you are an attractive woman, then feel free to chat, anytime.
  • I have an unreasonable fear of lawnmowers. I always think that the rotating blades of the mower will find a large rock in the grass and wing it at a high velocity directly at my head.
  • So when you combine the last two (small talk + lawnmower guy) you can be sure I'm going to be uncomfortable, at best. But, when "lawnmower man" yells over at me "hey, lose a few pounds for me", I get very self-conscious. Is he saying that I need to lose a few pounds myself, then lose some for him? Perhaps, I'm over thinking this.
  • || JM, 12:16 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Read Between The Lines


    I guess the mind does a pretty good job of filling in the details when it hits a rough patch of road, like in this example. I was amazed at just how easily you can read this mish-moshed mess. There's probably an inspirational message or an educational lesson to be garnered from this, but I'm too darned lazy to develop any profound ideas. Talk among yourselves.
    || JM, 12:10 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is."
    Yogi Berra
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    Random 10

    A sure sign that I've got absolutely nothing to say or that I don't have any good links to share is when I voluntarily engage in memes. One of my favorites is where go into the Party Shuffle mode on the old iPod and list the first ten songs that pop up. This weeks' results:
  • Queen Of Dreams; Strawbs
  • Only A Fool Would Say That; Ivy
  • Drive My Car; The Donnas
  • Babylon Sisters; Steely Dan
  • Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys; Arizona Amp and Alternator
  • Heart In a Cage; The Strokes
  • Dune Buggy; The Presidents of The United States
  • It's Coming Down; Cake
  • Island Of Souls; Sting
  • Queen Bitch; David Bowie
  • || JM, 12:06 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Make A Statement

    Corporate Whore Wristband
    I've always been a big fan of the offbeat stuff found at Archie McPhee. And here's one I could actually see myself purchasing. A nice alternative to all those brightly colored wristbands with the upbeat, life affirming messages. Also available, some other bleak wristbands featuring nihilism, apathy, and despair!
    || JM, 12:05 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, May 18, 2006

    You Gotta Know When How To Fold 'Em

    Richard Sweeney: Paper Schulptures
    The stunningly beautiful work of British artist Richard Sweeney, who has done intricate and mesmerizing sculptures out of folded paper.
    || JM, 10:49 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Helpful Hints

    Turning procrastination into your shitty first draft
    An interesting and ironic look at how one can turn the corner on procrastination. I know I overuse the term ironic, but I'm using it here since it focuses on procrastination as it relates to both coding and writing. Ironic because I suck at both and excel at procrastination.
    || JM, 10:48 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital."
    Aaron Levenstein
    || JM, 10:47 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    National Poetry Month

    McSWEENEY'S: Rejected Marketing Slogans for National Poetry Month
    Nobody Doesn't Like "Annabel Lee"

    What Can Browning Do for You?

    Get the Door: It's "Endymion"!

    With a Name Like Hicok, It's Got to Be Good

    Live in Your World. Play in Marianne Moore's.

    Bring Out "The Hollow Men" and Bring Out the Best

    I'm Lovin' It
    || JM, 10:46 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    More Smut


    Today's Video Funny
    To continue with smut themed postings for just a moment longer, a humorous look at how one person shops.

    And some smut-less smut (VIA grow-a-brain), Y.P.R.: Porn sans Sex:

    TV Repairman: I’m here to fix your TV.

    Buxom Blonde: It’s over there. That’s my roommate.

    Roommate: You going to hook us up with free HBO?

    TV Repairman: It’ll cost you.

    Roommate: Like, what, $20?

    TV Repairman: More than that. More like $50!
    || JM, 10:42 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, May 16, 2006

    Soft Core Boy Toy

    Voyeur Web: Ken And Barbie
    Something just a little bit different from the popular amateur pr0n site Voyeur Web. Probably not your cup 'o tea if you don't like fake tanned blonds with plastic boobs. SFW? Maybe, just don't click on any other links.
    || JM, 9:18 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    New Wave Hookers or New-Agey Hoofer?

    If the "Nobel Prize Winner OR Porn Star" quiz from the other day wasn't challenging enough, here is another to test your pop-culture skills: Porn Star OR My Little Pony? will allow you to identify if it's a fornicator, or a four legged friend.
    || JM, 9:17 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "My breasts have never done anyone any harm, while bin Laden's war has caused thousands of victims."
    Ilona Staller
    || JM, 9:16 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Smutty E-Mail Forward of The Day

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did,and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."

    The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

    The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the Daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

    The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

    The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says,
    "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "Well, they sure make one heck of a mess when they defrost!"
    || JM, 9:14 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Panties In A Bunch?

    Restaurant Name Causes Stir
    Gee, who coulda' seen this one coming? A popular Las Vegas based restaurant is opening up a branch in Scottsdale. Some citizens have raised objections to the name of the establishment, "The Pink Taco" due to the similarity to a slang term for the female anatomy. If the application to open the restaurant is denied, perhaps a hot dog joint might be less offensive?

    Anybody who gets upset over that should probably also avoid this cemetary as well.

    And add "pink taco" to the list of Google Image Searches that I'm sorry I did, or at least sorry I did while the wife was sitting next to me.
    || JM, 9:11 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, May 15, 2006

    Silent Voices Say A Lot

    Adopt-A-Mime
    "Which Mime speaks to you (without actually speaking)?" Oh, I get it...irony, right? I can almost let this pass, since Sparkles is kinda cute, and her career aspiration if she weren't a mime is to be "a high-class stripper". But since it violates my long-standing policy against bag-pipes, clowns, mimes, and viral marketing I can't endorse this link. I'll just pass it along without comment, and be thankful that I missed The Million Mime March.
    || JM, 9:59 AM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Dubya Speechifying


    Bush Drinking Game
    Luckily, I'll have to miss the speech that Bush is scheduled to make this evening. For those who have to endure the agony, this NSFW explanation of the Bush Drinking Game just might come in handy. Also includes info. on why "Bush is my bitch".

    Another case where Dubya makes a blatantly political speech labeled "important" as misdirection to distract us from his current woes. As we see his approval rate plummet downhill faster than Sonny Bono, it's apparent that most people have finally figured out the man behind the curtain.

    I find it unbelievable that his first response to every problem is to use the military option; ironic from the guy who didn't want to serve himself. Just another case of trying to look like he is addressing an issue, and in the process just making the problem worse. AND he's messing up the prime-time TV schedule all at the same time!
    || JM, 9:57 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    America The Fearful

    FROM: Bob Herbert, NYT Op-Ed:
    In the dark days of the Depression, Franklin Roosevelt counseled Americans to avoid fear. George W. Bush is his polar opposite. The public's fear is this president's most potent political asset. Perhaps his only asset.

    Mr. Bush wants ordinary Americans to remain in a perpetual state of fear — so terrified, in fact, that they will not object to the steady erosion of their rights and liberties, and will not notice the many ways in which their fear is being manipulated to feed an unconscionable expansion of presidential power.

    If voters can be kept frightened enough of terrorism, they might even overlook the monumental incompetence of one of the worst administrations the nation has ever known....

    After the Sept. 11 attacks, all bets were off. John Kennedy once said, "The United States, as the world knows, will never start a war." But George W. Bush, employing an outrageous propaganda campaign ("Shock and awe," "We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud"), started an utterly pointless war in Iraq that he still doesn't know how to win or how to end.

    If you listen to the Bush version of reality, the president is all powerful. In that version, we are fighting a war against terrorism, which is a war that will never end. And as long as we are at war (forever), there is no limit to the war-fighting powers the president can claim as commander in chief.

    So we've kidnapped people and sent them off to be tortured in the extraordinary rendition program; and we've incarcerated people at Guantánamo Bay and elsewhere without trial or even the right to know the charges against them; and we're allowing the C.I.A. to operate super-secret prisons where God-knows-what-all is going on; and we're listening in on the phone calls and reading the e-mail of innocent Americans without warrants; and on and on and on.

    The Bushies will tell you that it is dangerous and even against the law to inquire into these nefarious activities. We just have to trust the king.

    Well, I give you fair warning. This is a road map to totalitarianism. Hallmarks of totalitarian regimes have always included an excessive reliance on secrecy, the deliberate stoking of fear in the general population, a preference for military rather than diplomatic solutions in foreign policy, the promotion of blind patriotism, the denial of human rights, the curtailment of the rule of law, hostility to a free press and the systematic invasion of the privacy of ordinary people.

    There are not enough pretty words in all the world to cover up the damage that George W. Bush has done to his country. If the United States could look at itself in a mirror, it would be both alarmed and ashamed at what it saw.
    || JM, 9:55 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "It was reported last week that Rosie O'Donnell will take over for Meredith Viera on The View. It will now be called The Obstructed View."
    Tina Fey
    || JM, 9:54 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    The Answer To Asian Food Violence

    Chopchucks
    Nunchucks meets chopsticks, so you never have to dine in fear. Allows you to bring food to the jaw, or break someone elses. Not recommended for use with burgers, ribs, etc.
    || JM, 9:52 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sunday, May 14, 2006

    Quiz Time

    Nobel Prize Winner...or Porn Star
    I was disappointed that I didn't score higher on this little quiz where you must choose if the person is a nobel prize winner, or is a porn star. My score was 70% which I guess is respectable, but not what I had hoped for. Should I be Googling nobel prize, or porn star to research this and study for the make-up test?

    Another fun time-waster is the Guess the Dictator and/or Television Sit-Com Character game. You pretend to be either a dictator or a TV sit-com character, and you will be ask questions to determine which character you picked. Picking the more popular dictators (now THERE'S an oxymoron for 'ya!) and TV stars will probably will result in getting your identity discovered; even with 584,981 characters in the database it's not all that tough to stump it!
    || JM, 12:55 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    The Da Vinci Hype

    Anybody other than me expect the much hyped, soon to be released The Da Vinci Code to be a clunker? Sure, it's got great DNA, with Tom Hanks, Ron Howard, and based on the entertaining Dan Brown novel. How could that go wrong? But how many books that worked well in that format have EVER translated into a movie that was satisfying to the fans of the novel?

    Seldom, if ever can a moviemaker bring forth all the detail that is essential to the books' success and winds up with a screenplay that's like a Readers Digest version of the original. Even the more successful translations (like the movies based on John Grisham books for example) usually leave something to be desired. When I read the Grisham stuff, most of the time I feel like he's writing it with one eye on the screen already. I usually find fault with those screen adaptations only because I've "cast the role" in my mind differently than the screen version. And please, don't even MENTION Steven King, since the memories of the movies from his books are too painful to recall.

    I certainly hope I'm wrong since I'd like this to be an enjoyable movie. I'll just wait till the DVD comes out to pass judgment. Till then, here's a little interesting da Vinci trivia to tide us over: 20 Things You Didn't Know About Leonardo da Vinci. Includes such gems as the fact that he beat a sodomy rap, and was the first person to explain why the sky is blue!
    || JM, 12:53 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Adams-Quotes-A-'Da-Day:

    "How strangely will the Tools of a Tyrant pervert the plain Meaning of Words!"
    Samuel Adams

    "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"
    Scott Adams

    "In wisdom gathered over time I have found that every experience is a form of exploration."
    Ansel Adams

    "All men profess honesty as long as they can. To believe all men honest would be folly. To believe none so is something worse."
    John Quincy Adams
    || JM, 12:52 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Toga Party!

    "ALL I EVER REALLY WANTED TO BE..." is one of the many fine comics and films to be found at Tales Of Mere Existence. I hadn't considered the Boys of Faber as role models, but this puts forth a pretty convincing case. Luckily, he takes a pass on Flounder. Probably because "fat, dumb and stupid is no way to go through life"
    || JM, 12:50 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    MMmmm GGood!


    MG Ad
    Fond memories of the MG as I was growing up are probably what motivated me to get a Miata. Too bad MG's are no longer available in the states, since this ad just might move a few cars off the lot!
    || JM, 12:49 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, May 12, 2006

    Headline News

    Newspaper Snippet Generator
    Here's a fun little link that allows you to generate your own news headlines; sorta like a poor man's Photoshop. I'll link to that instead of the lame piece that I was working on before I came to the realization that I suck at Photoshop, and that it wasn't all that funny. I was changing the album "N.W.A. Greatest Hits (The World's Most Dangerous Group)" into an album cover of "N.S.A.'s Greatest Hits", and putting the heads of Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, and Hayden over the faces of the group members. Too much work...too little funny.
    || JM, 9:51 AM || link || (6)||comments|| Email this link:

    Today's Forward

    From the 'ol inbox, another cute e-mail:
    What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

    At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
    At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
    At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
    At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
    At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
    At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
    At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
    At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
    || JM, 9:50 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Courtesy is the one coin you can never have too much of or be stingy with.
    John Wanamaker
    || JM, 9:49 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Drivers Wanted

    VW's Automated Parking Garage
    This rather surreal looking picture looks like a CGI shot from some futuristic Sci-Fi flick. But in reality, it's from the 20-story automated garage that houses cars for new VW owners in Germany.

    Speaking of Sci-Fi, for some odd reason I added the movie "Frequency" to my NetFlix que recently. Honestly, I really didn't even remember this movie being in theaters, but it popped up as a recommended movie, so I thought "why the heck not?" And I'll have to admit, it really blew me away. I was almost put off by the premise, which has a son who tragically lost his father 30 years ago being able to contact him via short wave radio. He then tries and succeeds in saving his father's life, but then has to deal with the problems resulting from the temporal changes. The movie had me on the edge of my seat, since it effectively combined elements of action, sci-fi, dramatic, mystery, and feel-good family flicks. Sure, there's plently of stuff to pick on with a plot device like this one, but I enjoyed it far more that I had expected. Ok, that is all...no more movie or music reviews, I promise!
    || JM, 9:47 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    City Of Caveman


    Weird Al: Bedrock Anthem
    "What I got, I gota woman name 'a Wilma...." I should have thrown this in yesterday in my RHCP rambling, but I didn't. My bad. And just in case I haven't given you enough Weird Al links, one of my favs has to be his Amish paradise one. Having grown up in Amish country somehow makes this even more wrong/funny.
    || JM, 9:46 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, May 11, 2006

    Hard To Concentrate

    I can be such a lazy ass sometimes. Heck, if truth were to be told I'd have to admit that the real answer is MOST of the time, but I suppose this blog is evidence of that as well. After resisting the pre-release hype of the new "album" from the Red Hot Chili Peppers and refusing to pre-order it from iTunes, I did an immediate "about face" the moment it came out and clicked on the old "buy album" button. I'm sure it would have been cheaper if I had just pulled into the Target I pass everyday on the way home from work and picked up the CD. But it's so darned convenient to be able to multitask from the comfort of my house and order stuff on-line that my instinct now has me inclined to make as many purchases as possible from the web. One line in the sand I haven't crossed yet is getting groceries on-line. I did go as far as setting up a Peapod account, but I've never used it. I hate grocery shopping, but buying groceries on-line somehow seems unnatural and requires too much planning. I'll keep doing THAT the old fashioned way...for now.

    I'm not quite sure why we are still calling these things "albums". If you go back far enough to times of old, when they listened to 78RPM records, they couldn't get that much content on a disc. So longer recordings were issued on multiple disks, bound together in a book which would resemble a photo album. When this format was made obsolete with the release of the 33&1/3RPM record, the multiple disks went away, but the name did not. And we are still stuck with the monicker today, which seems so odd when the process is totally digital as it is these days.

    The last time I bought a commercial album/CD release was ironically the last one from RHCP, "By The Way". It's hard to believe that almost four years have passed since this came out. As much as I like that one, which certainly wasn't as strong as some of their previous work, the new one "Stadium Arcadium" is right up there with some of the best stuff they've ever done. The sound is a bit more mature, but it still covers all the bases that fans of the band would have come to expect. I'm sure there will be some fans of their older stuff that might be disappointed that that it wasn't as hard or as funky as what they've done before, but I'd disagree. There's a lushness and a fullness to this album that pulls me in and gets better each time I listen to it. The album "totally rocks" if you'll allow my "inner 18yr old" to speak for a moment. Needless to say, that's all I've been listening to since I got it.

    So when Nicole, who is hosting a week long "meme-a-thon" on her blog, ask folks to answer questions using only the song titles from a chosen band, my response was inevitable:
    Musician I chose: Red Hot Chili Peppers
    Male or female: If You Have To Ask
    Describe yourself: No Chump Love Sucker
    How do some people feel about you: Skinny Sweaty Man
    How do you feel about yourself: Johnny Kick a Hole In The Sky
    Describe your ex: Under The Bridge
    Describe your current significant other: Catholic School Girls Rule
    Describe where you want to be: Higher Ground
    Describe how you live: Naked In The Rain
    Describe how you love: I Could Die For You
    What would you ask for if you had just one wish: I Like Dirt
    Share a few words of wisdom: True Men Don't Kill Coyotes
    Now say goodbye: If You Want Me To Stay...
    || JM, 12:38 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Time For A New Ride

    Get Your WRFF On! (VIA linkfilter)
    WRFF? ...WTF? This contraption looks like it can't make up its' mind if it wants to be a bike, a skateboard, a Segway, or whatever. This special Snoop Dog model has paw prints on the pedals, and custom Snoop spinners. Better hurry, since it's a limited edition!
    || JM, 12:36 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Conquest is easy. Control is not."
    Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
    || JM, 12:35 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    A Little Magic


    This Self-Tying Shoelace would certainly come in handy. Anybody know where I can get me some of those?
    || JM, 12:34 PM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, May 10, 2006

    The President's Favorite Sandwich!

    Tom Tomorrow: This Modern World

    Although most people have finally noticed that the emperor has no clothing, the MSM and a few holdouts remain.

    And speaking of nutcases, let's ask the question WILL ANTICHRIST BE REVEALED ON 6/6/06? (VIA Bifurcated Rivets)
    || JM, 9:57 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Naughty Fun

    Censored Porn
    These porno shots that have been "sanitized for your protection" have been around for awhile, but now they've been pulled together and done up as a YTMD page. Maybe one of these days it will work with Firefox, but until then to get the full "multimedia effect" you'll have to use Safari or IE.
    || JM, 9:55 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."
    Aristotle
    (I'm pretty sure this explains my lame blogging attempts recently.)
    || JM, 9:54 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    And Now, For A Word From Our Sponsor...


    Vintage TV: Classic Commercials
    A look back at a simpler time.
    || JM, 9:52 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Special Delivery

    Another fantastically bizarre comic from those sick folks at the Perry Bible Fellowship. Hallelujah!
    || JM, 9:50 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, May 08, 2006

    Yet Another E-Mail

    From the re-cycling department, something else that I just received that I had to re-post:
    George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy." The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 6 billion people unbelievably happy."
    || JM, 11:49 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Dogs Vs. Cats

    Someone just sent me this via e-mail. It's just too cute so I just have to share:
    The dog's diary:

    7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
    8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
    Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
    1 pm - Oh boy! My poop! My favorite!
    2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
    3 pm - Oh boy! Sniffing butts! My favorite!
    4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
    6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
    7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
    8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
    9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs! My favorite!
    11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping! My favorite!

    The cat's diary:

    Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture.

    Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts.

    They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

    But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.
    || JM, 10:32 AM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Bring 'em Back...Or Forward?

    Back to the Future NIKE sneakers
    In the event you have nothing else to be passionate about, this might interest you. Add you name to the voices asking for Nike to bring out the Marty McFly sneakers from Back To The Future and sign this on-line petition!
    || JM, 10:27 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wakka Wakka

    One of the most influential video games ever would have to be Pac Man. It's design seems charmingly simple now, but it's broad-based appeal remains even today as virtually every gaming platform offers a version of the game. An almost overwhelming amount of interesting trivia can be found in the Wikipedia entry on the game and its' history. I didn't know that the original title was Pakku-Man, which was changed to Puck Man, and then to Pac Man, out of fears that arcade vandalism would quickly turn Puck Man into something less wholesome. A few video links reflecting the influence our little yellow friend has had:
    Pac Man Prank
    Pac Man: The Movie
    Pac Man: The Cereal
    Pac Man Generation
    Pac Man Vs. Tetris
    Mexican Pac Man
    || JM, 10:23 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "The administration says the American people want tax cuts. Well, duh. The American people also want drive-through nickel beer night. The American people want to lose weight by eating ice cream. The American people love the Home Shopping Network because it's commercial-free."
    Will Durst
    || JM, 10:22 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quiz Time

    I don't know why, but I'm always a sucker for these silly quizzes. And I should probably be ashamed to share my results of this one, but here goes anyhow:

    If you were a MOVIE VILLIAN, which one would you be!?

    Norman Bates

    You are very shy and overpowered more often than not. You have held your tongue far too often. You can almost hear the cuckoo birds singing inside your head.

    From the Movie: Psycho

    Personality Test Results

    || JM, 10:20 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, May 05, 2006

    You pick up Little Dynamite

    I just got an e-mail from the folks at Weird N.J. about the recent Asbury Park Implosion. It took 91 pounds of explosives spread out in 130 key locations in the 8,000 ton 10 story steel skeleton, but this ghostly reminder of the city's failed redevelopment attempts was finally gone.

    Most of us think of The Sopranos or Bruce Springsteen when Asbury Park is mentioned, but in it's day it was once a major resort destination before it began its' decline into seediness.

    Luckily, the city seems to be on the rebound, and the removal of this giant abandoned mistake marks the final chapter of a stage of the city's history that I'm sure everyone will be glad to forget. But for just one more look, the Weird NJ Essay Greetings From Abandoned Asbury Park gives us an excellent look back.
    || JM, 12:17 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    On This Date

    Most people are aware that today marks the date that in 1862, Mexican troops led by Ignacio Zaragoza halted a French invasion in the Battle of Puebla, thus giving college students, and lushes everywhere one more excuse to pound down some Dos Equis. Since we've turned our own Independence Day into a day synoymous with BBQ, why not bastardize another country's holiday by making it an excuse to tie one on?

    A few other memorable events in addition to this and the previously mentioned "No Pants Day" took place on this date as well:
  • '25- John Scopes was arrested for teaching about evolution.
  • '41- Haile Selassie returns to Ethiopia (I just like saying his name, myself)
  • '44- Gandhi is released from prison.
  • '61- Alan Shepard is the 1st American in space.
  • '92- Wolfenstein 3D, the 1st first-person shooter computer game is released.
  • '94- Michael Fay is caned in Singapore for graffiti.
  • Famous Birthdays today include Karl Marx (1818), James Beard (1903), Ann B. Davis (1926), Michael Palin (1943), Brian Williams (1959), Tina Yothers (1971), and Danielle Fishel (1981).

  • And speaking of celebrities (for what might qualify as the cheesiest segue ever) this recent Worth 1000: Celebrity Time Travel Photoshop Contest features some great shots of celebrities who have traversed into a time other than their own. I tried to compile a short list of my favorites, but there are too many good ones to choose from. This shot of LBJ is certainly on of my list of favorites.

    But are those who would tell you that time travel may be possible! And the BBC continues to bring us news that sounds like it was ripped from pages of Star Trek scripts as they also tell us that a cloaking device might also be feasible!
    || JM, 12:15 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link: