Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!
Hillary Clinton says she's the most qualified because she was married to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, "Wait, let's get his wife."
I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, "Family Jewels." Or as it's known in the business, " 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father."
During a "Weekend Update" segment about Eliot Spitzer: And you wanted to have sex with a hooker but you didn't want to wear a condom? Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I'm ninth in line at the deli.
Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them!
I'm still in my first marriage. I know, it's wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.
My girlfriend said, "I hate it when you finish my sentences." So I said, "Period."
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?
Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!"