John's Blog

Q: I once heard George Bush is a liar. Is this true?
A: No. President Bush is the most honest man in the history of the White House—he is a born-again Christian, after all. You should report whoever told you this to the proper Party authorities so they can be questioned, and sent to Guantanamo Bay, if necessary.

Q: I support the troops, but I don't support the Iraq war. Can I still be a Republican?
A: This is clearly a trick question, because we all know anyone who supports the troops must also support the war on terrorism. The two are inextricably linked. Now, if you cannot even bring yourself to support the troops, you obviously aren't Party material. You may make a fine liberal, however.

Q: Do I have to believe every single talking point, even if I don't agree with them?
A: Yes, especially if you don't agree with them! By reciting talking points in your head and saying them out loud to democrats, you will actually start to believe them. Remember, joining the Party is not a half-measure. You are either in or out. People who only believe 90% of the talking points, for example, are arguing for the other side 10% of the time. That's no way to run a nation. Just imagine if United States soldiers fought for the other side 10% of the time.