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John's Blog

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day....Teach him to use the internet and he won't bother you for weeks!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

And Now A Word From Our Sponsor:

One of the things I hate this time of year is seeing people running around on a mission to get rather specific (and apparently life enhancing) "stuff" that is on their loved ones Christmas list. Many people have a great sense of perspective, and don't bust a vein if they can't find it, but not everyone takes the big picture view. As their frustration builds while they travel from store to store in search of the holy grail, it becomes increasingly likely that they will take out their frustrations on some unsuspecting salesperson...or more likely me.

Just the other day some guy ask me if we carried that silly B&D jar opener, which we didn't pick up this year. I could see "that look", which is equal parts disbelief and rage. As the holiday shopping season progresses, the equation shifts into a higher proportion of rage.

But there are so many reasons why in a materialistic, consumer driven society this phenomenon exists that I won't even try to list them all. But one of the key offenders has to be the commercials that suggest that the product is the best thing since sliced bread. If I didn't know better, I'd say that they contained subliminal, hypnotic messages. A case in point: today I was looking at a commercial for the Hamilton Beach Toaststation which is a product that is a combination toaster oven and two slice toaster. I've seldom seen a sillier or more unnecessary product, yet the blond babe who was selling it in the commercial had such a convincing, mesmerizing presence that I was utterly captivated by her presentation. For a brief moment, I almost thought it was a good idea. Thank goodness it wasn't a redhead, or I would probably have called and ordered it, since I'm usually powerless to resist redheads.

A few "bad commercial" links for 'ya:
Commercials I Hate
Awful Commercials
Outrageous Commercials
Amazingly Bad Commercial Generator
Bad commercials of the past
Crazy Eddie Insane Tribute Page
The Passing Of The Pillsbury Dough Boy!
SNL Commercial parodies
Polo: Small But Tough
|| JM, 12:11 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

Time For Soup

I'm amazed to find out that the story I've heard about Soupy all these years ("If I see F you see K") is merely a well circulated urban legend. While I work out my grief on this, a few more links to explore this funny-man's past:
Jump The Shark
TV party: Soupy
Pioneer of the whipped cream pie
Zug: Soupy Sales
|| JM, 12:09 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

Quote-A-'Da-Day:

"There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers."
Robert Orben
|| JM, 12:08 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

Hava' Holly Jolly

NORAD tracks Santa
Radar, satellites, Santa Cams and jet fighter aircraft are all used by NORAD to track the progress of Santa on Christmas eve. Since there are Canadians involved, I'm pretty sure that they can surpass the level of competence exhibited by FEMA.
|| JM, 12:07 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

Bad Pr0n

I'm pretty sure I've linked to The 100 Worst Porn Movie Titles ! at some point in the past. But a recent Fark thread included some pretty amusing fake titles based on current movie hits:
  • The Sopornos
  • Schindler's Fist
  • Forrest Hump
  • Pulp Friction
  • The Slutty Professor
  • The Hornymooners
  • Natural Born Drillers
  • For Your Thighs Only
  • Lord Of The G-strings
  • Free My Willy
  • On Golden Blonde
  • Everybody Loves Reamin
  • Inspect Her Gadget
  • Das Booty
  • || JM, 12:04 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, November 29, 2005

    More Ranting

    I feel another rant coming on. I don't normally complain about a co-worker, but it might be safer to get it off my chest here than to explode all over her, and I'm certainly not using any sort of sexual double entendre there. Her daily dose of negativity is sort of like the bizarro world version of Mary Tyler Moore ("Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?") that can take a good day and make it into a bad one. Obviously, that's no fun to have to put up with on a daily basis.

    If I felt that confrontation on this would resolve anything, I would do so. But since she really doesn't listen to half of what I say and goes into the defensive mode on most things, I know that would just be an exercise in frustration and give her some additional backstabbing opportunities as well. I hesitate to even put that negative accusation out there since I know that it can be a hurtful statement, and I know she doesn't view herself that way. I used to have a boss that would ocasionaly tell me that I was negative and pessimistic. I would try to explain that she was wrong on the first and right on the second, since they aren't the same but that never went over well.

    I feel that pessimism isn't the same as being negative, and in fact represents a positive value. A pessimist plans for and aspires to success, but is mindful that the results might not be as hoped for. I might have supported Kerry in the presidential election as the better choice, but as a pessimist I was prepared for the worst case scenario. Maybe that's not the best example, since even I can't just stoically roll with the punches given the ineptitude of Dubya's administration, but hopefully you get the idea.

    I'm going absolutely nowhere with this ramble, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. There, I feel better already.
    || JM, 8:55 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote(s)-A-'Da-Day:

    "Pessimism...is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play."
    Thomas Hardy
    "Pessimism, when you get used to it, is just as agreeable as optimism."
    Arnold Bennett
    "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true."
    James Branch Cabell
    || JM, 8:54 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wrap It Up

    X-Rated Wrapping Paper (VIA YesButNoButYes)
    Perfect for the person who is both naughty AND nice.
    || JM, 8:52 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Battle Of The Sexes

    If Men ran the world:
  • Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
  • St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
  • Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps"
  • Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.


  • The flip side of the coin would be the Secret rules women live by:
  • Invite a man to go shopping with you only if you need someone to carry your packages or drive.
  • Assure your boyfriend that every female movie star has had a boob job.
  • When your man asks you what's wrong, say "Nothing." However, when Oprah, Dr. Phil or Dr. Laura asks you, go into excruciating detail. Leave nothing out.
  • The negative effects of cheese puffs and chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream are offset by the positive effects of diet soda.
  • Make friends with your hormones. They're what make you colorful and unpredictable. If other people have a hard time with that, that's their problem.
  • No matter how much they fight it, all men need a woman to organize their lives and their closets and tell them what kind of hair products to use.
  • Consider yourself a sculptor and your man a block of marble. Chip away until you have created someone you can live with. He'll thank you. Later.
  • || JM, 8:51 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Ranting...

    God, I'm pathetic. Just dangle the latest piece of technology in front of me and I start to salivate like a dog in heat. After finally talking myself down from the ledge after seriously considering getting a new iPod and selling the old one on eBay, now I keep hearing other new toys calling out my name. Over the last few days, I've been convinced that I "need" (not just want) either a Treo 650, a PSP, or the XBox 360...not that I'd be likely to find one. What is it that is so darned seductive about these gadgets that makes me lose perspective? When did I turn into this crass materialist who craves "stuff"? This too will pass...maybe.

    I just miss the satisfaction of a good first person shooter like Half-Life 2 to get out my frustrations. It's been awhile since I've been bitten by the gaming bug (the original Half-Life was new then), so maybe this is a delayed reaction. Maybe just buying a new desktop system with gaming capacity would be a good way to go, but I always go crazy adding more bells and buzzers. More memory, bigger hard-drive, better graphics card, make sure it has the media-center PVR stuff thrown in, and that quickly becomes a bigger chunk of change than I had planned. I'll probably just wait till after the first of the year to torture myself and sort out my options. Instead of Half-Life, I'll just punch walls.
    || JM, 8:48 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, November 28, 2005

    Holiday Recap

    Much like the groundhog emerges from his hole to see his shadow and proclaim that there are six more weeks of winter, I emerge from my post-Thanksgiving stupor and see that there are four more weeks till Christmas. If I had needed any sort of a reminder (which I didn't) about why I dislike holiday shopping, Black Friday certainly made it abundantly clear.

    The past few years we ran a coupon at work that just allowed people to come in a get $10 worth of stuff for free, which many people viewed a a challenge to see how many times they could go to different registers and get their "one per customer" coupon. This year a qualifying purchase of $20 was required to get their free $10. I innocently thought that this would prevent the day from becoming another free-for-all crapfest. I was wrong. It was better, but the difference was subtle, much like turning a stereo down to a "9" from a "10".

    Last year's madness included many instances of parking grandma or the children on their "loot" while the rest of the family ran around and cashed in their coupons. There was much less of that this year, but the above sight was still common. This woman sat on a much larger pile of stuff from about 6:15 a.m. until about 1:30 p.m. on Friday. At one point, I thought her family had forgotten her and just gone home. Again, I was wrong. They did come back and pick up grandma and then repeated the process on Saturday. The picture and the description can't convey just what a madhouse these kind of days really are. But trust me, you probably are happier not knowing.

    A few more post-turkey day random thoughts:
  • A nice, relaxing (although too short) Thanksgiving Day. The three hour drive went quickly and without incident. That's no small accomplishment considering my driving companions were the wife with with full blown PMS, and the dog who seems to have a weak bladder. Only one hair-raising stop on the side of the turnpike for a doggie "wee-wee" break.
  • Gotta love the benefits of technology. I can't say enough good things about the convenience of driving with an EZ-pass and an iPod, as opposed to fumbling for change and CD's while driving.
  • I had a ton of cool ideas while driving that I thought would make great blogging material. Unfortunately, since I couldn't write them down I don't recall a single one of them. Yea, I know; they couldn't have been that good.
  • My turkey carving skills seem to be improving. Last year's attempt left us with many piles of turkey crumbs. This year I truely believe they could be considered slices.
  • Almost had a post-dinner incident during the clean-up phase. I was doing the dishes and reached for the scouring pad on the corner of the sink. What I didn't see was the cup with these large spikes that had been used to stitch up the turkey's butt to keep the stuffing in the bird. Mom had left them to soak, but for some reason had them in the cup with the points facing up. I had jammed one of these puppies into my hand, and I pulled back in pain. The "F" word was on the tip of my tongue, but my self-control returned just in time to avoid offending everyone. When I pulled back, the spike came out of my hand and wound up getting stuck in the ceiling. I'm lucky it didn't hit anybody.
  • || JM, 9:25 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "If you accept your limitations, you go beyond them."
    Brendan Behan
    || JM, 9:24 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Everywhere A Sign

    FROM: Roadside Art Online
    The joke is just a bit too easy. Reminds me just how excited I was to hear that today was Cyber Monday until I found out that it had nothing to do with cybersex.
    || JM, 9:21 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    More YTMND!

    Once again, I feel the need to prove that I have the emotional maturity and the sense of humor of a 14 year old. I love the silly stuff at You're The Man Now, Dog. One of my new favorites is Bush Loves It Bald! (doesn't work in firefox)
    || JM, 9:20 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, November 23, 2005

    WWWD?

    George W. Bush and Jesus
    If the Prince Of Peace had to run for elected office and ran against the GOP machine, he would like face ads much like this!
    || JM, 7:51 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Unpredictability, too, can become monotonous."
    Eric Hoffer
    || JM, 7:50 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Hard To Handle?

    Balloon Handling Woes
    Given the forecast of cold, windy, and wet weather for tomorrow and the great publicity that this piece provides, I'm feeling a whole lot less regret about not participating in the parade.

    "Please do not inhale helium escaping from the balloon." This takes much of the fun out of it anyway.
    || JM, 7:47 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Yo!

    Hip Hop Name Generator (VIA Catch)
    Henceforth, you can call me MC Nasty Cube Z. Just don't call me Ray.
    || JM, 7:47 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, November 22, 2005

    Face The Music

    Gary Glitter could face a firing squad
    I see that freakazoid Gary Glitter faces the possibility of execution via a firing squad if he is found guilty of allegedly having sex with a 12 year old. I'm not sure which is sicker; the act itself or my vision of the firing squad performing the deed while his one big hit is playing in the background.
    || JM, 10:41 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    More Holiday Fun

    If the more traditional Holiday celebrations just don't float your boat, this one might be for you. Then again, you may just want to have a Happy Festivus!
    || JM, 10:36 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "I'm not a snob. Ask anybody. Well, anybody who matters."
    Simon Le Bon
    || JM, 10:35 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Funny Quotes

    MILLITANTPLATYPUS: Funny air traffic controllers quotes (VIA Businessballs)
  • Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!” Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
  • From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!” Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!” Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
  • Control tower to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.” United 239: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
  • Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″ Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?” Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… we’ve already notified our caterers.”
  • || JM, 10:34 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Drive Her Crazy?

    I'll help ya make any woman,girlfriend, or ex jealious! (VIA Outrageous Ebay Auctions)
    "I will send you a bogus love letter with a sexy picture of myself declaring how we are ment to be together! " Yea, I'll bet she "ment" to use spellcheck too. You want me to pay money for this?
    || JM, 10:33 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Song Titles Interpreted

    McSweeney's: Bruce Springsteen Songs, If the Title More Accurately Reflected the Subject Matter
    "You and I Are Confronting the Industrialized Wasteland Alone, and We Must Cling Together, for We Are Beset on All Sides by Inescapable Oblivion"

    "I Have Deep-Seated Emotional Issues With My Father That Cannot Be Resolved Despite My Attempts to Communicate With Him in a Meaningful Fashion"

    "You Were Once Attractive, but I Have Grown Weary of Your Company, Even Though I Have Not Forgotten That Previously We Had a Meaningful and Romantic Courtship"

    "Vietnam Ruined My Life and the Lives of Those Close to Me"
    || JM, 10:31 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, November 21, 2005

    Thanksgiving Prep

    Hard to believe that Thanksgiving is almost here. Every year I consider participating in the Thanksgiving Day parade, but I usually wimp out. To get up way before the crack of dawn and freeze my butt off just for the opportunity to march in a silly costume, and catch a glimpse of a celebrity usually proves less appealing than the long drive to be with family. I had a momentary regret when I found out that I could have been a balloon handler, but perhaps everybody will be safer if I'm not involved with that. Maybe I'll break down and do it next year.

    To get you in the mood for the holiday season, a few quick links:
    The Road To Turducken
    How To Cook A Turducken
    Chef Paul Prudhomme's Holiday Dinner
    If you absolutely must use a turkey fryer
    Deep-Fried Turkey
    The Truth About the Pilgrims and Thanksgiving
    Turkey FAQ
    Spirit of Fruitcake
    Dubya's Thanksgiving Message
    Turkey's Last Day
    || JM, 8:41 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Talk Dirty To Me

    Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving, But Aren't
    "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
    "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
    "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
    "Talk about a huge breast!"
    "It's Cool Whip time!"
    "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
    "Don't play with your meat."
    "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
    "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
    "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
    "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
    "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
    "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
    || JM, 8:40 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
    George W. Bush
    || JM, 8:39 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Time to Leave

    Krugman: Murtha Is Right
    For the non TimesSelect subscribers, a quick take from today's Krugman:
    "Not long ago wise heads offered some advice to those of us who had argued since 2003 that the Iraq war was sold on false pretenses: give it up. The 2004 election, they said, showed that we would never convince the American people. They suggested that we stop talking about how we got into Iraq and focus instead on what to do next.

    It turns out that the wise heads were wrong. A solid majority of Americans now believe that we were misled into war. And it is only now, when the public has realized the truth about the past, that serious discussions about where we are and where we're going are able to get a hearing.

    Representative John Murtha's speech calling for a quick departure from Iraq was full of passion, but it was also serious and specific in a way rarely seen on the other side of the debate. President Bush and his apologists speak in vague generalities about staying the course and finishing the job. But Mr. Murtha spoke of mounting casualties and lagging recruiting, the rising frequency of insurgent attacks, stagnant oil production and lack of clean water....

    Some administration officials accused Mr. Murtha of undermining the troops and giving comfort to the enemy. But that sort of thing no longer works, now that the administration has lost the public's trust.

    Instead, defenders of our current policy have had to make a substantive argument: we can't leave Iraq now, because a civil war will break out after we're gone. One is tempted to say that they should have thought about that possibility back when they were cheerleading us into this war. But the real question is this: When, exactly, would be a good time to leave Iraq?

    The fact is that we're not going to stay in Iraq until we achieve victory, whatever that means in this context. At most, we'll stay until the American military can take no more....

    The only way to justify staying in Iraq is to make the case that stretching the U.S. army to its breaking point will buy time for something good to happen. I don't think you can make that case convincingly. So Mr. Murtha is right: it's time to leave."
    || JM, 8:38 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sunday, November 20, 2005

    It's Alive

    Amazing "Alive" Chimpanzee
    Thanks to The Sharper Image, you can now buy a full sized, lifelike animated head of a chimp! He sees and hears, which allows him to interact intelligently with you, you family and your friends, which is more than can be said of me many days. His emotional moods include "Curious," "Happy," "Fearful" and "Feisty." A real bargain at $150, but I'll have to pass on this one. I simply find this creepy, and besides do I need any additional reminders of who is in the White House?
    || JM, 10:44 AM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Rad' Radio

    I don't impress easily (big lie...I'm easy), but this has to be one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time! Pandora is a customizable on line streaming radio station. You suggest bands and songs you like, and you get music by artists that are similar. Don't like what they suggest? No problem, just hit the "guide us" button and leave feedback that will let you discover new music more to your liking, via your own personalized DJ. With my first station I started out with Cake, and added a few more bands, and so far, I'm lovin' it! A great way to discover artists and tunes you might have missed. The kind of journey of discovery that one used to be take back in the heyday of the original Napster. (And I see that Shawn Fanning is coming back for chapter two.)
    || JM, 10:43 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise."
    Paul Engle
    || JM, 10:42 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Hey Hey Hey

    TV's The Graduate
    Seeing the lame TV re-make of The Poseidon Adventure reminds me of one of the more regrettable small screen adaptation featuring Henry Winkler as Ben.

    For more little known TV treasures, a visit to Television Obscurities might prove worth a look. (VIA Bibi's box)
    || JM, 10:40 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    L & O: CI

    I'll have to admit that I'm a little late to the party, but after being a longtime fan of Law and Order I only recently discovered the Criminal Intent franchise. It was aired at a time when I was either busy, or if I was watching TV it was tuned to HBO. But thanks to the fact that between USA, Bravo, and NBC it seems like they run the show 20 times a week.

    It quickly became my favorite of the L&O series, largely due to the quirky super-sleuth played by Vincent D'Onofrio. Shifting more of the focus to the criminal side of the equation, it's stories seem a bit deeper and better crafted than the other crime shows on TV. When they announced that Chris Noth and Annabella Sciorra would be added to the cast I initially thought this would be a good thing, since I like them both. But the episodes that they've been in have been disappointing so far. The Vince+Chris chemistry that we've seen on the episodes that have them featured together has been good, maybe I just need to give the Noth-Sciorra version time to grow on me.

    A few more quick takes from this weekends' viewing marathon:
  • What a trip to see Colm Meaney (Miles O'Brien) play a creepy, evil character.
  • I still find it odd that CNN has Miles O'Brien anchor their space and science coverage. Is this just a strange coincidence?
  • It's beginning to annoy me that there is a resemblance between Kathryn Erbe and a co-worker. Hope it doesn't ruin the show for me.
  • How creepy was it to watch Charles Rocket playing a character who planned a "suicide by cop" death knowing that he actually committed suicide?
  • When viewing the teenager suspects list of BTDT (been there, done that) perversions, Logan points out that "sex outdoors and sex in an elevator aren't checked off". How odd is it that those are checked off on my list?
  • Enough with the crawlers at the bottom of the screen! I can tolerate the information overload that they cram into every news and sports program, but the newest thing seems to be having a miniature character crawl of the corner of your screen and drag the graphic away with them. Extremely annoying.

  • To round things out a few L&O links just for the heck of it:

    L&O:CI Episode Guide
    Law & Order TV Show Spinoff Generator
    Law & Order Criminal Intent Game Demo
    Which Law & Order Criminal Intent character are you?
    L&O Coloring Book
    Jump The Shark? L&O:CI
    || JM, 10:35 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, November 17, 2005

    Lank'-is-ter NOT Lan-cast'-ter!

    The jokes just write themselves when you visit Lancaster county!

    Watching the news updates about the teenagers from PA who were captured recently after the murder of her parents is painful enough. But as a local boy, to hear the repeated mispronunciation of Lancaster by newscasters is like hearing fingernails dragging across a chalkboard. Locals' pronounce it Lank'-is-ter and not Lan-cast'-ter like it is said everywhere else.

    Although I'm originally from a town near there I get a blank stare from some people when I tell them my home town. When I tell them Lancaster, I usually get the "ah-ha" since most people have at least heard of it. Sure, everybody knows about the Amish, but Lancaster also has a few more claims to fame. It was the birthplace to both Hershey's chocolate and the Woolworth's 5 &10 stores. It also has the dubious honor of being the home of James Buchanan, who until Dubya came along held the mantle of "worst president ever".

    A few more links to give you some "local flavor":

    Flickr: Amish Photo tags (seems like an oxymoron)
    The North Museum (one of my favorite childhood destinations)
    Landis Valley Museum (a must see if you've never been on a farm)
    You might be from Lancaster...
    Lancasters' Failed Attempt At Urban Renewal
    The Covered Bridges of Lancaster County
    Amish FAQ
    Pennsylvania Dutch
    Amish Computer Virus
    Amish Paradise
    Amish Humor
    Jakey Budderschnip: Amish Comedian
    Amish Heat
    Chicken Corn Soup
    || JM, 10:03 AM || link || (6)||comments|| Email this link:

    T-Shirt Humor

    Gawker T-Shirt Contest
    Believing that the reader knows best, Gawker has a contest where you can vote for your favorite reader submitted slogans, or submit your own. A few of my fav's include:
  • Anonymous sources do it off the record
  • Ask me about my settlement from Russell Crowe
  • Desperately seeking desperate housewife
  • CELEBRITY SEX TAPE FANATIC
  • George Bush doesn't like black people. And poor people. And literate people. And gay people. And Arabs. Picky fucker.
  • Honk if Angelina stole your man, too
  • JENNA AND BARBARA -- FOUR MORE BEERS
  • My other t-shirt is a plain white one
  • My talent comes in a D Cup
  • We know people who know people
  • Worst. President. Ever.
  • || JM, 10:02 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "He is able who thinks he is able."
    Buddha
    || JM, 10:02 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Prank 'Em

    Mousetrap Prank Stickers
    From the home of the TGIF Menu prank comes these lifelike trapped mouse stickers available for purchase, or on eBay. "Bring the magic of an Urban Safari to your home or office with these fun, versatile vinyl stickers. Printed on transparent low-tack removable vinyl, these trapped mice will blend seamlessly into your surroundings." Sounds like tons of fun.
    || JM, 10:00 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Knock-Out The Crap

    I Invented ... The George Foreman Grill
    You knew George didn't do it; now a profile of the man who did and a few more inventors as well.
    || JM, 9:59 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, November 16, 2005

    Dirty Secret

    Victoria's Secret?
    What the heck IS Victoria's dirty little secret? Is it that all those 395 million catalogs result in more forests getting cut down and increased global warming? Maybe. A few other choices are suggested as well.
    || JM, 9:51 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Looking Back

    The Ames Fan Club (VIA Metafilter)
    Hard to imagine that someone could be nostalgic for this lame chain of defunct discount stores, but there are stranger and more dangerous obsessions that one could have pursued.
    || JM, 9:50 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monkey Around

    Curious GWB (VIA growabrain)
    Although probably seen before (originally in Maxim back in 2000), aren't the classics always in good taste?
    || JM, 9:48 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "That there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
    Teddy Roosevelt
    || JM, 9:48 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Withdrawal

    Wow, I knew that I relied on my daily web surfing fix, but I guess I underestimated the degree the addiction had me in it's grips. After dinner last night, I flipped on the 'ol 'puter to find out that my internet service was down. A less than satisfying call was made to their customer service department ("We are aware of the problem"....Can you tell me when it will be restored?...."no"....Can you estimate?...."no; is there anything else we can do to be of assistance?"....What makes you think there is an ELSE involved, like you've provided some degree of assistance?) after which I began to sort out my options.

    Well, any normal person would probably view this as an opportunity to spend more time reading, maybe watch one of those DVD's that I haven't gotten around to looking at, or maybe watch one of those shows I've taped and never watched. Yea, all those thoughts crossed my mind just prior to the panic attack that shortly set in. But suddenly an evil option presented itself, why not tap into one of those other wifi networks that I see under the available internet connections? Luckily, one of the unencrypted networks was there, and I was able to slip right in. Unfortunately, the connection speed was slow as molasses, and I quickly felt guilty and grew tired of sponging, so I bailed-out and went back to the more traditional media that I first considered.

    I'll use that as an excuse for today's lame post. I'll have to come up with another excuse for prior/future lameness. But speaking of lameness, a short story about some lame, flawed conclusions. There is a web site I've linked to that I find amusing and I usually catch updates via the RSS feed. I went to view the page in my browser, and the site appeared ever so briefly, then disappeared as if blocked.

    Although I'm not normally this narcissistic, I jumped to the conclusion that this guy had chosen to block my IP address from looking at his site. Trying to figure out why he might have done so proved more difficult, so I was left to surmise that I had expressed an opinion that was offensive to him. I assumed that he was one of those "rightwingnuts" that didn't want to hear opinions other than their own. I was going to drop him an email asking him to explain, but I didn't want to start a flamewar, and essentially I'm lazy and couldn't be bothered to do so. Good thing, since on a recent comment to his site I see that someone wrote "did you know you can't view your site in Firefox?" Oops, my bad.
    || JM, 9:45 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    KFC Introduces New Bird-Flu Dipping Vaccine

    (VIA The Onion)
    || JM, 9:43 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, November 14, 2005

    Torture?



    FROM Slowpoke: 'We do not torture'


    And from Ed Naha: 'Do you really want to hurt me? Bush: Yes, we do.'
    Watching a bewildered President Bush declare "We do not torture" last week, responding to a reporter's question with a squinty, surreal harangue, made me think of an old Three Stooges routine.

    Curly steps into a boxing ring to fight a guy twice his size. The referee gets both fighters together and says something like: "Now, I want you guys to play be the rules. There'll be none of this (He stomps on Curly's toes.) or this (pokes him the eyes), or this (punches him in the stomach, causing him to double over) and especially none of this (slams a fist into the back of his head). Now go out there and give me a clean fight!" By this time, Curly doesn't know whether he's coming or going and the referee is beginning to resemble Donald Rumsfeld...
    || JM, 10:56 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Classic Stuff

    EphemeraNow: Cars
    I'm always a sucker for a good nostalgia site, so Ephemera Now.com was bound to be appealing. Featuring images from vintage ads and promotional brochures from the mid 20th century, it contains a ton of images that car buffs will love.

    I'm a bit concerned with this image, since a whole torrid scenario just writes itself when I look at it. Do you think anybody noticed the kid who looked like the milkman?

    And since I've gone "retro + gutter", what better time than to link to Adult Movie Posters of the 60's & 70's? (VIA Beware of the Blog)
    || JM, 11:05 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    T-Shirt Links

    Fear God T-Shirts (VIA Information Junk)
    From time to time I like to share a link to a site with amusing T-shirts. This isn't one of those times, unless of course you are Pat Robertson.

    And at the opposite end of the T-Shirt continuum, is T-Shirt Hell, where you can sign up for an evil e-mail address.
    || JM, 11:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "A yawn is a silent shout."
    Gilbert K. Chesterton
    || JM, 11:02 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    From The Dark Side

    Bleak Wristbands
    Since the whole wristband thing is getting so overdone, why not try these? "All those bright rubber bracelets are so darned positive and life affirming. Don't any of those trendy folks that wear them ever have a bad day? Well, these bracelets are perfect for any day that is less than perfect. Wear one and you could be the tiny storm cloud in someone else's sunny day."
    || JM, 10:59 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    More Spin

    Generally, taking any personal responsibility seems pretty much out of style these days. When things happen, it's always a result of other factors in the environment where these actions occur. Stepping up to the plate and taking ownership or blame seems like it's not the popular thing to do. So based on that, why should I be surprised to read that Doug Forrester says that the reason he lost the election for NJ governor is as a result of Bad News for Bush as Key to Loss. Un-f'ing believable.

    "Mr. Forrester said his campaign had done all the right things we were supposed to do." Running the most negative mudslinging campaign I've ever seen is the right thing to do? Naw, I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with it.

    And while I'm wearing my political hat (not to be confused with my tinfoil hat) Hoffmania points us to an excellent piece from Jimmy Carter: This isn't the real America.
    || JM, 10:58 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sunday, November 13, 2005

    More Things That Bug Me

  • Dubya's continued insistence that those who question him and challenge his actions are somehow unpatriotic. What's really unpatriotic is to continue to use the troops as a back-drop to his attempts to spin his woes away. To not respect the contributions of the military, to exploit them and to die for a lie...that's shameful.

  • And while we are talking about small-minded evil pinheads, I have to make sure that Pat Robertson's name is added to that list. If he's is right about an angry, vengeful God, then I can only assume that Pat's name will be on his list of those to strike down. All hail the God Of Irony.

  • Reality TV. Your five minutes is up. Go away, quickly...but leave us with The Apprentice. And make sure you take this woman. Also add her to the list above with Pat Robertson.

  • People who stop to look at things in the grocery store, and as a result of parking their cart and their fat ass in the isle close down the flow of traffic so nobody else can shop.

  • Amateur porn. Not that it bugs me, but some of it really gets my goat. No matter how good looking you may be naked, you lose major points when it looks like you were posing at the home of The Collyer Brothers.

  • Celebrity news...who cares? E!, Access Hollywood, etc. should all fall off the face of the earth. I don't care. If I never see another picture of Vince Vaughn's nose hair it will be too soon! But just keep giving us the paparazzi pictures of Jessica Alba, Pam Anderson, and Angelina Jolie.
  • || JM, 9:21 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Really, Really Bad

    I had previously posted a link to the Really Bad Tattoos post at Type Brighter. And now I see that Really Bad Tattoos Part 2 is now up. OMFG! Just make sure you scroll all the way to the bottom for the ultimate in questionable decisions. In the event that this doesn't just satisfy your desire to be grossed-out or astounded, then you'll want to view this BadTattoos Gallery featuring ink from around the world.

    In the event you are still not shaking your head in disbelief, this NSFW review of DIY Sex-Machines just might do the trick.

    And if you're in the mood for MORE BAD...Tony's singing sure qualifies. (VIA YesButNoButYes)
    || JM, 9:20 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from."
    Al Franken
    || JM, 9:19 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    I Love A Parade


    Fark Photoshop Contest
    Every year a few new balloons get added to the Thanksgiving Day parade. Here are some that might be fun, but are unlikely to be seen anytime soon.
    || JM, 9:18 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, November 11, 2005

    The American Way?

    Cenk Uygur: We Didn't Torture the Nazis
    Conservatives these days talk about the war on terror being a new kind of war that demands new tactics. They say it’s nothing like any war we have ever fought and the terrorists are more vicious than any previous enemy. Really? How about the Nazis? They seemed pretty vicious – and we never felt the need to torture them.

    We won a couple of world wars without ever having to torture anyone. In fact, we treated the German soldiers so well when the war was over some of them wanted to stay (true story). Yet, I recollect us winning that war...

    We have to make a decision. Do we want to change the tenor of this country? Do we want to change our principles? Do we want to become a whole new country? It’s a democracy. If you keep voting for these Republicans, they can take us in that bold new direction. Maybe we can even amend the constitution, withdraw from all international treaties, and repeal our own anti-torture laws and roll back some of our pesky rights.

    Or we can throw out all of these abhorrent politicians who never understood what this country is all about, who don’t believe in the American justice system, and who don’t believe in the American way of life. We can tell the world that they are an embarrassment to the country, they are not what America stands for, they are unpatriotic and un-American...
    || JM, 10:30 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Latest Rage?


    Upside-Down Christmas Trees
    Looks like I almost missed this "hot" new, but really stupid trend. But thanks to this MetaFilter thread, I've learned way more than I needed to. Sure, it leaves more room on the floor for gifts, but I would feel far more silly than hip. I'll do the Charlie Brown tree before I do that!
    || JM, 9:50 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Funny Pages

    Indictment Circus
    Little scooter takes a turn at the drawing board....Bil Keane rolls over.
    || JM, 9:49 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "He had nothing to say and he said it."
    Ambrose Bierce
    || JM, 9:48 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Time For Everything & Everyone

    What time is it around the World? (VIA del.icio.us)
    Yet another Google maps enhancement, but I'm such a sucker for these.
    || JM, 9:47 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sqawk Radio

    Blanton's and Ashton: No Excuses
    An interesting and on-target piece about the annoying local talk radio station and their ranting callers' flawed logic:
    The first caller said, in a grumpy, complaining voice, that he didn't vote because the negative television ads "beat [him] into submission" and not one of them ever told him what the candidates' plans were. I turned off the radio. I just can't listen to stupidity for very long That man actually wanted someone to come to his living room and explain their positions to him....That caller wanted all of their policy positions distilled into a 30-second TV spot so he could determine who to vote for during commercial breaks from Matlock...

    A few minutes later I turned the radio back on and heard a whiner named Chang say that he didn't vote because the day of the week isn't convenient for him....He did have the time to call the radio station and whine, however...

    My conclusion: the turnout was exactly perfect. We didn't need larger turnout. You will not hear me complaining about turnout. People who are too lazy to listen to one debate, read one newspaper the day after a debate, spend one hour on the internet reading up on the candidates' positions, spend a few minutes contacting a campaign by phone or email or in person, or obtain the widely available campaign literature that described the candidates' positions don't deserve to vote. Seriously. They don't deserve it....
    || JM, 9:46 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Thursday, November 10, 2005

    Mainstream, Meet Smart-ass Humor

    First, I see in a recent article that The Wall Street Journal explains YTMND. Then, the next thing I know I see a piece where Richard Roeper explains the shocker. Expect to see The New York Times feature on the Cleveland Steamer in this week's Style section. Or maybe Brian Williams doing an expose on the hot Karl.

    For an eye-opening look at an extensive list of sexual slang, there's no better place to look than Wikipedia. And for some not so hot colloquialisms, a few from McSweeney's Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On:
  • Taking the F train to Queens
  • Getting a quart of milk and a carton of eggs from the store
  • Forgetting to pick up your sister from soccer practice
  • Paying extra for refills
  • Trying on the sweater Nana sent you
  • Dropping the car off at the mechanics
  • De-boning the salmon fillet
  • Rewinding the tape before returning it
  • Double-bagging the trash
  • Checking the tire pressure
  • Separating your colors and whites before doing the laundry
  • Getting overcharged on the cheese
  • Flipping that jackass the bird after he cut you off on the parkway
  • Compounding 4 percent interest annually
  • Lather, rinse, and repeating
  • Keeping up with current events
  • Buying pants at Marshalls
  • Ordering Chinese for lunch
  • Signaling before changing lanes
  • || JM, 12:06 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Almost Here...

    Hard to believe that the holiday shopping season is almost upon us. If you're the kind who craves the adrenaline rush of the official kick-off that happens the Friday after Thanksgiving, then Black Friday Ads may be up your alley. Featuring scans of some major retailer's ads so you can plan your attack strategy.

    Luckily, I had the energy to reflect on what happened on Black Friday last year just in case I was tempted to forget the madness.
    || JM, 12:04 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Solitude is the place of purification."
    Martin Buber
    || JM, 12:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    The Pause That Refreshes

    Demystifying Diet Coke(s) (VIA Incoming Signals)
    Holy crap; who knew that there were this many varieties of Diet Coke? And that's not even counting in all the flavored (cherry, vanilla, lime, etc.) variations!
    || JM, 12:01 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, November 09, 2005

    Arrr....

    Wake Up with the Captain (VIA MilkandCookies)
    If "Wake Up with the King" creeps you out as much as it does me, then this might just go down a bit easier.
    || JM, 12:12 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Check, Please

    Todd Barry Receipt Museum (VIA Chelsea Peretti)
    Three years of receipts...and proving that there is humor to be found in just about any subject if you look hard enough.
    || JM, 12:11 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."
    Gore Vidal
    || JM, 12:10 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    OnionNews

    The Onion: Bush Orders Mass Bald Eagle Slaughter To Stop Spread Of Bird Flu
    As experts issue increasingly dire warnings of an avian flu epidemic, President Bush signed an executive order Tuesday authorizing the mass slaughter of "all bald eagles found anywhere within our borders."

    "As president, my first duty is to protect the American people, whether the threat is terrorists or deadly, fast-mutating bird viruses," said Bush, standing on the lawn of the National Mall before a specially built pyre stacked with recently killed bald eagles. "This proactive initiative will rid our nation of this potentially disease-ridden winged animal."

    And in other news: Unfazed Karl Rove Leaks Valerie Plame's Age, Weight
    || JM, 12:09 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Behind The 8-Ball

    Lame Magic 8-Ball®s on the Net (VIA Linkfilter)
    Since "Not all Web 8-Ball emulations are created alike!" this helpful guide rates them on a scale of one to eight 8-balls! Many broken links, but still fun.
    || JM, 12:08 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, November 08, 2005

    Happy Erection Day

    Here's hoping that today is a happy and successful erection day. That YOUR candidate prevails and comes out on top. Although not the biggest erection we've seen in recent years, in these troubled times every erection presents us with hard choices. In the final hours, make sure your voice is heard. The success of any erection is firmly in your hands. When handled properly an erection can be a satisfying process, culminating in showering freedom over our nation. So remember, go behind the curtain, grasp the big rod firmly, and yank it for democracy.

    This has to have been one of the ugliest campaigns in the race for the Governorship of New Jersey that I've ever seen. But as if all the negative ads aren't bad enough, now Forrester has posted the following on his web site:

    The price for Governor is loyalty and trust
    The price for Governor is the absence of lust
    Thoroughly qualified Doug Forrester for sure
    Bringing to the voters the requirements for cure
    A state of emergency for a state that’s ill
    Doug Forrester with vision with maximum skill...


    Can New Jersey afford a Governor who is a bad poet? I think not! And Scott at Poetic Leanings sorts out the issues in this race.
    || JM, 12:14 AM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Make It Happen

    By Accident (VIA altdotfuckingtasteless)
    By Accident, a new concept that gives you the chance to receive the attention you deserve. We deliver customized accidents such as rape, assault and past traumatic experiences. All personally tailored to suit your special needs.

    When you start changing your past and creating a more unique and interesting life story you should assume the accident has already happened. The services we provide are to help you achieve the realistic behavior and the physical signs that fit the accident of your dreams. Usually we also make sure you return to your surroundings in a spectacular and dramatic way....

    Imagine the way people would listen to you if you had been the victim of an assault. Imagine how they would admire you if you had survived it and came out even stronger. Ask yourself who the real heroes in our society are. One thing is to be strong and beautiful but to be the survivor of a traumatic incident and have a life is a real accomplishment.

    We can only hope this is a joke...
    || JM, 12:12 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Cool comes with a pay cut."
    Rob Zombie
    || JM, 12:12 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Ever Notice?

    Film Cliches
  • Animals are never ever silent - dogs whine/bark/yip, cats meow or purr, cows moo, even in cases where most animals wouldn't be making a sound.
  • In a horror film when there is a full moon there is either an owl or a wolf howling in the distance.
  • All bicycles have bells (that sounds)
  • Bombs always have big, blinking, beeping timer displays.
  • Car tires "always" screech on dirt roads.
  • Car breaks must always squeak
  • When in San Francisco, no matter where you are, you always hear a cable car and or a fog horn.
  • Kids can always whisper even if their two inchs away from a villian - he won't hear. If they step on a branch however, the villians will immediatly know its not some animal, and catch them.
  • || JM, 12:11 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Head, Shoulders, Etc.


    Mother Goose Rocks! (VIA The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns)
    It's good to see Bono branching out to cover the classics...with a bit of help from some famous friends!
    || JM, 12:08 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tagged!

    Never a big fan of memes, but the gauntlet was thrown down by Scott and I've been challenged to do the following:
    1. Go into your archives.
    2. Find your 23rd post.
    3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
    4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
    5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.


    Not that it will make much sense, but here goes: "Cumulative FPM: 1.23"
    (From a post about a link to a site keeping track of The Number of F^@&s In Deadwood)

    And I'll tag Mary, True, Jennifer, Indigo, and Alicia.
    || JM, 12:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Monday, November 07, 2005

    Wingnut Xmas

    I've become accustomed to posting a link only to see the entire blogosphere post the same one eventually. What I find amusing is that on the rare occasion that I have an original thought, I inevitably find that someone else has taken that thought and run with it. What usually happens is that they do such a good job with the subject matter that my effort would pale with comparison, so I just add it to the junk-pile of ideas.

    The recent entry from World O' Crap 'War on Christmas' POWs to be Held in Secret CIA Prisons is an example. He examines the rightwing blowhards who are stirring up the pot again this year over the use of the phrase "Happy Holidays" by the retail community.

    I've already heard people calling in and asking if we will "allow" people to say "Merry Christmas", which shows me that the rabble rousers have been whipping up the sheep already. But what these nut-jobs fail to recognize: IT"S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU! Sure, we have plenty of people who celebrate Christmas, but open your eyes and look around. It may be a bit different in other areas of the country, but we live and work in a very diverse, multi-ethnic community. There are plenty of other faiths and holiday celebrations that take place this time of year, not just Christmas. The use of "Happy Holidays" is meant to be respectful to all, and not any sort of conspiracy to dis' the Christians. Get a life. Or go out and buy Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics and have a Merry F'ing Christmas:

    I heard there is no Christmas
    In the silly Middle East
    No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
    They have different religious beliefs

    They believe in Muhammad
    And not in our holiday
    And so every December
    I go to the Middle East and say…

    “Hey there Mr. Muslim
    Merry F'ing Christmas
    Put down that book the Koran
    And hear some holiday wishes.

    In case you haven’t noticed
    It’s Jesus’s birthday.
    So get off your heathen Muslim ass
    and F'ing celebrate.
    || JM, 9:22 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote(s)-A-'Da-Day:

    10 Mind-Numbing Quotes By Tom Delay:
  • "So many minority youths had volunteered that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself." --Tom DeLay, explaining at the 1988 GOP convention why he and vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle did not fight in the Vietnam War
  • "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" -Tom Delay, to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston, Sept. 9, 2005
  • "I AM the federal government." -Tom DeLay, to the owner of Ruth's Chris Steak House, after being told to put out his cigar because of federal government regulations banning smoking in the building, May 14, 2003
  • "We're no longer a superpower. We're a super-duper power." -Tom DeLay, explaining why America must topple Saddam Hussein in 2002 interview with Fox News
  • "Nothing is more important in the face of a war than cutting taxes." -Tom DeLay, March 12, 2003
  • "Guns have little or nothing to do with juvenile violence. The causes of youth violence are working parents who put their kids into daycare, the teaching of evolution in the schools, and working mothers who take birth control pills." -Tom DeLay, on causes of the Columbine High School massacre, 1999
  • "A woman can take care of the family. It takes a man to provide structure. To provide stability. Not that a woman can't provide stability, I'm not saying that... It does take a father, though." -Tom DeLay, in a radio interview, Feb. 10, 2004
  • "I don't believe there is a separation of church and state. I think the Constitution is very clear. The only separation is that there will not be a government church." -Tom DeLay
  • "Emotional appeals about working families trying to get by on $4.25 an hour [the minimum wage in 1996] are hard to resist. Fortunately, such families do not exist." -Tom DeLay, during a debate in Congress on increasing the minimum wage, April 23, 1996
  • "I am not a federal employee. I am a constitutional officer. My job is the Constitution of the United States, I am not a government employee. I am in the Constitution." -Tom DeLay, in a CNN interview, Dec. 19, 1995
  • || JM, 9:20 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Say What?

    What Tian Has Learned:Jon Stewart at 2005 Emmy Awards
    Jon Stewart demonstrating a way to get around network censorship.
    || JM, 9:18 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Do As I Say Dept.

    Da Boy In Brazil
    Jeeze Louise, that Dubya sure does have a great sense of irony, no? Bush made a speech where he urged Hugo Chavez to defend democracy and reject a drift back to authoritarian rule. Now our first sign of trouble is the buzzword "democracy" since he really doesn't understand the mechanics of how a real democracy works, or if he does just finds it easier to subvert the process.

    But when he warns against the urge to "roll back the democratic progress of the past two decades by playing to fear, pitting neighbor against neighbor and blaming others for their own failures to provide for the people" I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry. Perhaps we should try that at home before we mount the bully pulpit and start pointing fingers at others.

    Bush joked that he wants to go fishing, but can't take a big entourage with him while he is president. Hey, there is an easy solution to that problem...
    || JM, 9:16 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Sunday, November 06, 2005

    Mary, You're A Fine Girl

    Holy Crap, it looks like I'm firmly in my "Hey Kid, Get Off My Lawn" mode today. I'm reading the paper this morning, and I discover a story in the real estate section that gets me angry. I've linked to and recapped the story of Mary Ellis as found on Weird NJ several times in the past, but to bring you up to speed, Mary lived in New Brunswick NJ in the late 1700's. She met a sea captain who she fell in love with who had promised to marry her prior to sailing off to sea. He left her his horse that she would ride daily to the banks of the Raritan river and she would wait for his ship to return. It never did.

    Eventually, she purchased the land overlooking the river so she could continue her daily vigil, which she did until she died in 1826. She was buried on the property which eventually became the home of a discount store, and now a movie theater. The pop hit from the 70's "Brandy" by Looking Glass is an attempt to retell the tale.

    So today, I see that the grave site is slated to be moved to allow for a developer to build condos. The Times piece puts a positive spin on it (A Sentimental Developer Saves a Grave...sorry, link requires registration) but that's hardy my first reaction. Although I've always considered my opinions on development balanced and pragmatic, my sense of romance has always given the Mary Ellis story a special status. When it was still a flea market, you could still catch a glimpse of the grave, but when they built the theater they re-graded the lot making it less visible, although as you drive by on Route 1, you can catch a glimpse. Perhaps moving the site might be respectful to the legacy, but it seems to me to be a crassly commercial move by a developer who is willing to tear down a bit of local history and color for his own enrichment.

    But could I really ever live in a condo that was built on the site of a relocated grave site? I think not. I'm sure there would be many sleepless nights that the memory of Poltergeist would be rolling around in the back of my mind. "All are welcome...all are welcome...."
    || JM, 12:12 PM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Memorable

    I guess I've been suffering from a major case of blogger's malaise recently, so as I clicked on to FamousDays.com (VIA Bifurcated Rivets) I had expected yet another "ho-hum" reaction, which seems to be my response to everything recently. The site pulls up a pretty impressive and extensive list of events and birthdays that match the day you were born...even though many fall into the "who cares" category. I'm lucky enough to share my birthday with The Amazing Kreskin, Tom Dempsey, Rush Limbaugh, Kirstie Alley, Drew Pearson, and Howard Stern.

    As Stern gets ready to say goodbye to free radio and shift to satellite, he's getting much media attention. I still listen occasionally, but find him less and less funny. He peaked creatively about the time Billy West left the show, and I usually only listen as I channel surf during commercials. Ever since I discovered Morning Sedition I find the humor of Marc Maron a far better way to start the day. Unfortunately, it looks like that habit will be coming to an end soon as well, since Beware of the Blog tells us that Maron is probably on the way out. Bummer.
    || JM, 12:11 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract."
    Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
    || JM, 12:10 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Please, Please, Please

    Why You Should Continue To Date Me (VIA YesButNoButYes and Transbuddha)
    I've come close to begging before, but perhaps if I had done up a snazzy presentation such as this the results might have been different.
    || JM, 12:09 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    A Look Back

    Greatest Internet Moments (VIA Waxy.org)
    In case you forgot...
    || JM, 12:08 PM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Friday, November 04, 2005

    Too Much Fun

    Several days after Halloween and I'm still trying to finish off the bags of "Fun Sized" candies left over from the trick-or-treaters. Without trying to be a budget version of Jerry Seinfeld, one has to ask "What the hell is fun about fun size candy?" The fact that if you try really hard you can get two bites out of these mini-Snickers? Yea, that's fun. That I'm going to have to eat all the candy that the little costumed extortionists didn't get on Monday? Oh yea, that's fun that my waistline just didn't need.

    But I guess I'd have to be crazy to expect truth in packaging. Sometimes (but not often enough) I forget that we live in a country where our President campaigned on bringing ethics and integrity back to government, and then he and his cronies manage to subvert truth and lead by intimidation and misinformation. Time after time Dubya says one thing and does just the opposite. So I guess in that context, the fun size bars make perfect sense.
    || JM, 12:05 AM || link || (3)||comments|| Email this link:

    Run Fun

    Map My Run
    Yet another Google maps enhancement, that allows you to plot your daily run on a map; it figures out the milage, calories burned and more!
    || JM, 12:04 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "What you do is of little signifigance. But it is very important that you do it."
    Mahatma Gandhi
    || JM, 12:03 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    A Short List

    McSweeney's: What I Like About You
  • You hold me tight.
  • You really know how to dance.
  • You keep me warm at night.
  • You are whispering in my ear.
  • You tell me all the things that I want to hear.
  • Hey.
  • || JM, 12:01 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Pitch A Tent?

    Slip of the Lip (VIA MetaFilter)
    A little Freudian slip turns a religious moment, into an amusing NSFW clip that's worth a look. But he's not the only one with a problem.
    || JM, 12:00 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Wednesday, November 02, 2005

    Apology Not Accepted

    Snopes: Birth Signs
    You knew it had to be fake, but we can always hope.
    || JM, 10:21 AM || link || (1)||comments|| Email this link:

    Reflect, He Does

    Life As Yoda
    Frank Oz on what it was like to bring the little guy to life.

    And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that EVERYONE has a blog.

    Talk like Yoda, you can...or just add a widget.
    || JM, 10:19 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?"
    Leo Durocher
    || JM, 10:18 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tasty Links

    Chocolate Junk Food
    "All the yummy things your mother said would ruin your appetite. Pretzels, potato chips, Oreo cookies, graham crackers, peanuts, toffee and more are covered with chocolate and packed in a miniature, galvanized steel, trash can"

    In the event you want something healthier, Mars re-thinks chocolate and tries to re-invent it as "health food"

    From growabrain we find a few more links covered with "chocolately goodness":
    Chocolate Covered Bacon
    Molded Chocolate Breakfast
    Chocolate Toothpaste
    Deep Fried Snickers
    Flickr: Photos tagged with chocolate
    || JM, 10:15 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Real Fake

    Flameless Wax Candle (VIA Engadget)
    Real wax, but real fake. If you want a real candle that uses an LED as the light source instead of a flame, then this is for you. Safe for use around kids or pets and shuts off automatically after two hours. Gives you the flicker with out the wick....err.
    || JM, 10:14 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Tuesday, November 01, 2005

    Casting Call

    From apostropher comes a few suggestions on casting the suggested movie "All the President's Men II":
    JAMES CANN as Scooter Libby
    JOHN LITHGOW as Karl Rove
    LOUISE LASSER as Judith Miller
    PAUL GIAMATTI as Matt Cooper
    MATTHEW BRODERICK as Patrick Fitzgerald
    ALBERT FINNEY as Joseph Wilson
    RANDY QUAID as Tim Russert
    DON S. DAVIS as Dick Cheney
    LORNE GREENE as Robert Novak
    and
    LISA KUDROW as Valerie Plame


    And from Unfogged comes another great suggestion:
    PHILIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN as Karl Rove

    The temptation to revise the list is too great, and he changes his suggestion for Dubya to Jim Varney. My own choice would be more of a dark horse,
    Connor Trinneer:

    || JM, 9:57 AM || link || (2)||comments|| Email this link:

    Who Dat?

    I was running around today and I stopped off to pay a charge bill, since I didn't notice it's due date till too late to drop it in the mail. One of the purchases on the charge was from the Sears Hardware store. It appeared on the statement as "Sears Roebuck". Dang, I hadn't thought about poor 'ol Roebuck for years!

    A few Google hits later I found out just about everything I might want to know about Alvah C. Roebuck: A watchmaker hired by Richard Sears in 1887, they partnered and had incorporated as Sears, Roebuck and Company in 1893. By 1895 Roebuck was looking to get out but Sears put him in charge of a division that handled some of the hard goods that they sold. He also organized and financed other manufacturing companies and was responsible for inventing an innovative and best-selling typewriter. Although he was semi-retired, the '29 stock market crash forced him to return to work at Sears where he spent most of his time working on compiling a company history. Then in 1934, they trotted him out to make public appearances which proved popular enough that he continued them across the country for the next few years.

    Looking for this info. caused me to start poking around Wikipedia, where the following lists also caught my eye:
    List of companies named after people
    List of famous pairs
    List of people known by one name
    List of people with things named after them
    List of company name etymologies
    List of people who became famous only in death
    List of celebrities on The Simpsons
    List of people widely considered eccentric
    List of silly, pointless lists on Wikipedia
    || JM, 12:12 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Darth Doggie

    Flickr: Halloween + Dog
    One of my favorite time-wasters is trolling through Flickr galleries and checking out the tags that are used on the pictures by those who are posting. It's possible to find tags for just about any subject.

    Since we opted-out on the doggie costume, this Flickr gallery shows you plenty of folks who DID dress up the pooch and did a great job of it.

    And more Flickr Halloween party pix linked to on Sterogum featuring this set which looks like it was fun. Costumes included gigantic fake boobs, drag queens and the iPod ad person; how can you go wrong?
    || JM, 12:09 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    Quote-A-'Da-Day:

    "Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together."
    Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
    || JM, 12:06 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link:

    I Heart...

    Ah, love is in the air. Who knew that amidst all the negativism and mudslinging Cupid could tweak the heartstrings of hardened web-surfers, not once, but twice. First, I Love Tom DeLay! celebrates the "jowly, blow-dried manliness that make knees week...a man who will let nothing get in the way of his relentless and ruthless climb to the top of the heap; a man who sees what he wants and just...reaches out and takes it! A man who laughs in the face of persecution by the small-minded liberal snivelers." (And heck, they were nice enough to repost my lame Tom The Pinhead photoshop that I did awhile back.)

    And since everybody needs a hug, I Love Karl Rove is an outpouring of appreciation for everybody's favorite turd blossom, just when he needs it most.
    || JM, 12:05 AM || link || (0)||comments|| Email this link: